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Evaluation of Self: The Lonely Girl


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Where were you when I cried myself to sleep, when I felt the walls caving in and control melt away?

Where were you when memories haunted me and nightmares visited at night?

Where were you when my insomnia refused to give me peace and the whole world abandoned me to simmer in my own thoughts?

Isn’t it ironic, that in a world where everyone has a cell phone, no one is picking up my phone call.

Were you blinded by my surface smile

As I convinced you that I was dancing…and happy…and beautiful?

Were you deafened by my laughter

As I covered my fears…and anxiety…and sadness?

How people are so easily fooled when they see all the glitter and the gloss but never the undercoat colors with which I paint myself.

No matter how many friends I have,  

Or how big my family is,

Or who I am dating,

Or how many shoes I buy,

Or how many cookies I eat,

On a Saturday night, I am still the lonely girl.

The girl that used to eat lunch by herself, play with rocks in the sand instead of other people,

I am still the girl that was teased for my big glasses and home-made haircut and hand me down clothes.

I am still the girl that uses words to escape to a place where no one can hurt me, like when they said I was ugly.

There is still a part of me, that no one can touch

There is still a pain that no hug can heal

An ache that no amount of alcohol can ease

And no one will ever know how I really feel.

I feel like I have my head under water and I can’t breath but I refuse to drown.

I feel lost…just so utterly lost and I have no GPS, no map, not even a freaking compass, and I’m driving on this road alone.

I feel like I want to sleep my days away, the type of sleep that numbs your mind and your senses.

I feel like I want to shred every paper and trash every insignificant thing in my life.

I feel like it’s Christmas Day and I am the only one still waiting on my gift, that never comes.

I feel like an orphan and no matter how much you tell me you love me and want me, a part of me will never believe you.

I want to run away…from these walls…from these emotions…from these headaches,

I want to escape my life…and leave myself behind.

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11 Signs He is NOT the One!!


Ok…it’s no secret I have the worst luck in love. I am not qualified to tell you how to find “the one”…and even if I was qualified, you probably would not want to take my advice because I am slightly “unconventional”. But what I am qualified to help you out with, is to find out if the guy is NOT the one. Unfortunately, I have dated enough “no” men to make up my own rule book. And yes, believe it or not, all of these situations personally happened to me. So learn from my mistakes!!! If the guy you are dating or is interested in dating exhibits any of these characteristics….RUN THE OTHER WAY!!

Here are 11 signs that he is NOT the one for you (these are not in particular order of importance):

#1 He is not the one…if he “borrows” your lip gloss (but he actually has the intent of never returning it back to you). I know you are thinking…it’s just lip gloss…and I don’t want my man to walk around with chapped and cracked lips (this is what chapstick is for…or butter…or chicken grease). Well that’s what I used to think too…until one day he was standing next to me at Wal-Mart with glossy, glittery lips and I was really praying (and yes, sometimes I pray about superficial things like this) that no one I knew would recognize us. And after the lip gloss…he will start to borrow your Bath and Body Works, highly scented body lotion and body wash. And your feminine powder. And then you finally break up with him and next thing you know, you find out that he stole half of your lip glosses, used up half your bath products and stole replaced your favorite Jillian Micheals workout DVD with a Snoop Dog CD.

So don’t let him borrow your lip gloss or buy him any as a gift…unless you find this attractive…and if you do, more power to you and just ignore Rule #1.

#2 He is not the one…if he calls you by another woman’s name…unless you told him your name was Delicious or Cinnamon and he was dumb enough to believe you. Once I had breakfast with a man, after a romantic night spent together, and he looked me right in the eyes and called me “Amber.” That’s really a beautiful name, but it’s not mine. He apologized right away and said he had no idea where that came from, because he doesn’t even know anyone named Amber and besides Amber sounds kind of like my name…right. The next time we had sex, I “accidently” called him Dale.

#3 He is not the one…if he calls you 20 times a day “to check up on you” or follows you around town or comes over to your place UNINVITED all hours of the night/early morning. That is not cute…or sweet. Trust your gut…those are the habits of a stalker/psycho/paranoid freak…and none of those characteristics are ones that you want in your boyfriend/husband. Next thing you know, he will have your body chopped up in his freezer. And if you don’t trust your gut and continue to date him because, oh I don’t know, maybe you think he’s cute (most killers don’t look like Freddy Krueger by the way)…at least tell your friends or a trusted family member. That way if you come up missing, the police will know to check his basement first.

#4 He is not the one…if you cannot sleep with him. And NO, I don’t mean sexually. I mean if you literally, cannot sleep with him…because he snores like a bear in hibernation, or he talks in his sleep like a possessed demon, or his breath in your face smells like your dog passed gas, after you feed him beans…

 

Once I spent the night with a man who literally scared me half to death in his sleep. He spent half the night talking in his sleep. At one point he rolled over, rubbed my butt and said “Yo, Nicole has a nice ass.” Well, my name is not Nicole and I don’t know whether I was more upset that he was dreaming about some girl named Nicole or whether she was getting credit for how nice my ass felt. To make matters worse, he had a nightmare which caused his arms to flail around like he was the inflatable tube man. ..but worse…

I thought he was going to hit me in the head with his flailing arms and I was so afraid his eyes were going to turn red at any moment. I was as far away from him as I could be without falling off of the bed. Thankfully, the whole date was a nightmare, but his sleeping habits made it even easier for me to never see him again.

#5 He is not the one…if he goes down on you and you start thinking about all the dishes you have to wash in the sink, or how you have to clean up the bathroom, or all the groceries you have to buy. This also applies to kissing, cuddling, sex, etc. Those experiences should be so mind-blowing that your brain cannot find the mental capacity to think about anything else besides pleasure. Of course, you could always tell him that he needs to move slower/faster, be more gently/rough, etc. but if he is still not getting the picture after you let him “practice” some more on you…then you just have to accept the fact that he will never be able to please you sexually and you need to move on to another man who can.

#6 He is not the one…if he wakes up in the middle of the night to have sex with you and you have a dream that you are inserting a tampon into your vagina. Or you are giving him a hand job and it’s reminding you that you need to stop smoking cigarettes. You shouldn’t look at your tampon and think of your man’s dick and your period at the same time.

Besides why fuck a tampon when there are so many other options out there…like a banana.

#7 He is not the one…if he disrespects your family and/or friends. A man who wants to be a part of your life should know that your friends and family are important to you. It doesn’t mean that he has to like all of your friends or family (I mean not even you like all of them, all the time) but he has to have enough common sense to be civil and should not talk bad about them to you because this puts you in an uncomfortable position. Now unless a situation comes up where your friends or family really are in the wrong…I suggest that you re-evaluate your man to see whether or not he can really fit into your social circle. And if he doesn’t then you know what I say…”chicks before dicks.”

#8 He is not the one…if he lies to you. This applies to cheating too. And yes…lying about what and who he had dinner with is still a lie…and they only get bigger over time. Or if he thinks you are lying and cheating on him and constantly accuses you of this…it’s still NOT acceptable.  This shows that there is no trust in the relationship. And if you really are lying and cheating on him, then why are you in the relationship anyways.  Oh…it’s because he has some good dick?? Well honey, then he’s really just a fuck buddy that you disguised as a boyfriend. If that’s what you really want then go for it. Otherwise, stop wasting your time because in the end, those guys are usually just good for one thing…and that’s fucking…not just your body, but also good at fucking with your head, your heart, your time, etc.

#9 He is not the one…if he asks you what it feels like to be penetrated by a penis. And don’t even try to explain it to him…because it will never make sense, unless he’s had prior experience with men. And if he had prior experience with a man…he wouldn’t be asking you this question anyways. And then next thing you know…he is asking you to demonstrate the experience on him…with a cucumber (I guess it was the only thing that resembled a dick in the refrigerator at the time). And that just makes for a very awkward moment that you will want to forget about the rest of your life.

 

#10 He is not the one…if he calls you “stupid”, “fat”, “ugly”, “bitch”, “whore” or any other words that are meant to insult and hurt you (now if these words turn you on and he’s using them in a sexual situation, then this might be ok). A real man who truly cares about you will NEVER do this…no matter how angry you make him!! Actually he will be saying so many other positive things, so you don’t feel fat, ugly or stupid. Plus once he tells you that you are stupid, then you have to tell him what a dumbass he is as well…then he says you are fat, and then you have to tell him his breath smells like onions covered in mustard, left out in the hot sun for a week…then he says you are ugly, so you have to tell him what a small dick he really has …then he says you are a bitch, so you have to tell him that he was the worst experience you had in bed…then he  says it’s because you are a whore, so then you confess to sleeping with his brother, who has a big dick and is amazing in bed. So you see…to avoid awkward conversations like this…that eventually end up very, very bad…and no amount of apologizing will fix it…just don’t tolerate it when a man calls you inappropriate names.

#11.  And finally…he is not the one…if he throws a shoe at you. Or almost hits you but accidentally on purpose misses your face because he meant to scare you. Nothing funny to say about this situation. Walk away and never look back. Believe me, if you stay in this situation, the pain will only get worse and he will not change. And it isn’t your fault that he is a deranged, violent, unstable  man with low self-esteem, who uses your heart as a punching bag because he really hates himself.

On that final note, remember…

NOW GO OUT AND DATE!!! WISHING YOU GOOD LUCK AND GOOD LOVING!!

Honeysuckle Bees


I look at you and I am reminded of

Honeysuckle leaves

With their guarding bees

That I tried to taste so expertly.

Yet each drop of honey was not enough

To quench my thirst

Or dry my lust.

So again and again, I would take my chances

Of freeing my aching sweet tooth

With those tempting leaves

Guarded by those stinging bees,

Until I got close to filling my tongue

With that ecstasy,

And I felt the pain of those jealous bees.

And even now, I’ll never know why,

I couldn’t get enough of you,

With your guarded heart

And those frequent lies.

But looking back, I clearly see

You were nothing but a temptation of

Honeysuckle leaves with their guarding bees.

James’ Story: A Reflection on Kony 2012 and the LRA


The night was hot as usual, but thankfully there was a slight breeze and the mosquitoes were merciful. James was sleeping soundly in his bed…dreaming about what 8 year olds normally dream about. In the distance, there is a rustling of what sounds like a medium-sized animal creeping towards the village. Suddenly, a scream of alarm breaks the silence, followed by a chorus of other screams…but these screams are no longer of surprise, but rather of terror and cries of anguish. The once peaceful night is no more.

Before he can fully comprehend what is going on, James is roughly pulled out of his slumber. His night of dreaming has suddenly turned into a nightmare. Men with guns are pushing him on his feet and away from his parents. His parents try to go after him, but their efforts are useless. James is helpless as he watches his parents get executed in front of him…first his mother, and then his father.

So…what happens next? The police arrive, right? These men are arrested and sentenced to pay for their horrible murders, right? The answers to both of these questions are “no”…because unfortunately for James, and thousands of other children like him, this did not happen in the United States. This happened in central Africa, where the villages are remote, there is no 911 emergency number, and where there will not be any retribution for the senseless attacks on his village or for the murders of either of his parents.

This is not a post about Joseph Kony, the LRA (Lord’s Resistance Army), or the Sudanese government…it is about James and the thousands of children like him. The thousands of children who were forced to take arms, to kill their parents, to kill other civilians, and watched as people were mutilated. They lost their homes, their siblings, and their childhoods. These children will no longer dream the same dreams.

I know some of you are thinking…this is “old” news by now but the sad thing is, there are still so many people in this world who have never heard of Joseph Kony or the LRA (Lord’s Resistance Army).  I was going to let this topic pass me by, but with the recent arrest of George Clooney on March the 16th, during a protest against the Sudanese government (this arrest was unrelated to Kony or the LRA) and after watching the movie, Machine Gun Preacher (2011), starring Gerard Butler, this week…I just could not stop thinking about the atrocities happening half a world away.

Before you shake your head, I already know the criticism that comes with this situation. I know the main argument is, what can the United States do? This is not our battle to fight and the U.S. does not have any interests in Sub-Saharan Africa, except for concerns regarding oil. I agree with that concern, but isn’t the value of human life more important than the value of oil. Are we just supposed to sit back and let the mass killings of innocent civilians go unpunished…especially after we are aware of it.

Another argument is that, the crimes against children have been exaggerated. Invisible Children claims there have been about 30,000 children abducted while Machine Gun Preacher claims there are about 40,000 children abducted. My argument is, isn’t even 1,000 children, just one too many. I’ve heard how Kony is in hiding and how the LRA have dwindled to an army of only a few hundred soldiers, but regardless these men are still responsible, it doesn’t matter if there are only three of them left. And should we now teach war criminals that if they hide long enough, the world will forget about them and no longer pursue them?

The NGOs have also been scrutinized for the way they have been dispersing funds. As an advocate myself, who does work for a non-profit organization, I can tell you first hand, that it is not cheap to travel to D.C. and that funds do have to be allocated for travel and meal expenses. But you don’t have to donate to these organizations to make a difference. Spreading news by word of mouth is free. You can make your own posters and t-shirts. Calling and writing your district representatives and senators costs little in time and money. Yes, the U.S. government is made up of the few, the rich, the elite…but they are always aware of public opinion polls and key word computer searches are always tracked. I do believe there is power in numbers and when the general public act as one voice, there is a better chance that voice will be heard.

I honestly do not think that Kony will be captured in 2012 nor do I think that the U.S. will do more than they already have, which consist of deploying 100 combat-equipped U.S. troops to Central Africa in November of 2011. With this being an election year, I also do not think President Obama or the Republican nominee will want to introduce the thought of another foreign war funded by American money and American troops.

But still…I truly do believe in the power of emotions. I believe that stories like James’, Jacobs’ (from the Kony 2010 video), and so many others like them should be heard and acknowledged. While I don’t have the solutions, I know that most people feel that anyone who commits a crime against humanity should be punished and because the heart usually wins over the mind, despite all the concerns I voiced above, I think that with public pressure and awareness, Kony and others like him, will one day answer for all they have done.

If you are unfamiliar with Joseph Kony or the LRA (Lord’s Resistance Army) please take the time to watch these videos. They provide basic background information.

I don’t claim to know all the facts and I realize that there are so many more complex issues surrounding the crisis of North Uganda and South Sudan. These are just my thoughts on the situation. I love feedback. Please feel free to share your comments on this post below.

DISCLAIMER: I am not promoting nor am I affiliated with the Invisible Children, Machine Gun Preacher, or Amnesty International.

For more information visit:

James’ Story http://www.machinegunpreacher.org/kids-stories/

Machine Gun Preacher http://www.machinegunpreacher.org/

Invisible Children http://www.invisiblechildren.com/

LRA Crisis Tracker http://www.lracrisistracker.com/

The Ugandan Civil War and the LRA http://www.globalsecurity.org/military/world/para/lra.htm

Amnesty International http://www.amnestyusa.org/

All Africa http://allafrica.com/

All For Sport (Warning: Hunting Pictures)


 

How does it feel, man child

To bring the beasts of the earth down

To watch them fall to their knees

As if begging you to spare their life.

Do you feel powerful, holding a weapon

So deadly that it pierces muscle…

Made for running from predators,

Jaws with a 5,000 pound bite force,

And trunks strong enough to lift trees from their roots.

Do you know that they were once mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters

That they once hunted, fought, loved, and walked the ground with footsteps so heavy

It shook the earth upon which you now stand, aiming your gun.

As these beautiful creatures gave to you their last breath,

Did you notice the color of their eyes,

The curve of the water buffalo’s horns,

Did you count the spots on the civet’s fur coat,

Did you appreciate the width of the elephant’s ears…

Or did you simply cut off it’s tail

And pose for a picture.

Prologue: What If… (Warning: Mature Content)


Laying beside you, so close, yet so far away.

Lost in each other’s presence, there are no words worthy enough to say

That could break this calmness, that has trapped us in time.

For a moment I am yours, and for now, you are mine.

I savor your breath on my ear…my neck

I anticipate the chills that emerge from the tips of your fingers

And in my mind, I silently lust

For more of your electric touch

To move higher up… to my bra…my breasts

To release these hindered moans

Caught in the walls of my chest.

And I yearn for your lips to misbehave,

For your tongue to follow suit

And for my body to cave in…to our desires of what can be

If we let down our guard and opened our minds

To explore this chemistry

That is hidden from view

Except from my eyes, and it’s only for you.

My heart skips and my cheeks flush

At the thought of what ifs occurring between the two of us.

What if…I pressed my body so close to yours that the rise and fall of our chests became one breath and

What if…I took your face into my hands, brushed your lips with mine, met your tongue halfway until we lost all sense of time and

What if…I let you lick my lips… not the ones on my face, but the ones with a clit…until they pulsated with my wet desire, that overpowered my body and set my soul on fire and 

What if…I returned the favor by discovering your weakness in its salty flavor, as I gently suck you dry with strokes so sweet that if your nuts had wings, they would fly and

What if…I rocked my hips to match your beat until you lost control and curled your toes and let out cries of satisfied defeat and

What if…

But then my phone interrupts my thoughts

Of you and me and what could be

And I leave your couch to return to this reality.

(TOO BE CONTINUED…)