As I am waiting for my asparagus wrapped in bacon to cook…and as some are relaxing after a big meal…or maybe taking a break from family and friends to read blogs…I figured I would add a little spice to your festivities. 🙂 I am not a parent. I am not even in a relationship…but you should totally ignore the disclaimer “warning” above and practice plenty of thanksgiving innuendos. In fact to make up for the poor folks at home, like me, who won’t be getting anyone to “eat my pie”…you should totally practice thanksgiving sex. Here are some ideas… and no I’m not a sitophilia (someone who derives sexual pleasure from food). I think whatever sitophilia I had, went away after the whole cucumber incident. But if you try any of these out and really enjoy it…then you have me to thank for helping you discover a part of yourself. Enjoy! 🙂
1) “clean the carrot”
I’ve done a lot of things in the name of self love…but I will have to admit cleaning the carrot was not one of them. You can “clean the carrot” a few different ways. Two obvious ones that come to mind are using a carrot as a dildo for vaginal penetration or for anal pleasure. But DON”T use the sharp end of the carrot (especially with anal penetration) because you don’t want to tear or bruise delicate skin. It really helps if you “clean the carrot” first by scrubbing the top layer of skin and then rubbing some lubricant on it. If you are worried about being strange for using a carrot to help you masturbate…just know, you are not alone. A carrot is no stranger to masturbation, see the links here to verify: What else can you masturbate with instead of a dildo, Is it normal to use a carrot to masturbate?, and you are joined by numerous porn stars who love using carrots as dildos, just Google to find out.
Plus no one loves carrots as much as this lady…
And the carrot must be a good lover because this woman has the carrot tattooed 35 times all over her body…she has definitely committed to them for life.
2) “eat the pie”
Damn, I wish someone would just come over and “eat my pie.” Or shit, at least come over and give me pie so I can eat it myself….wait…nevermind… Or how about you can come over with pie and you can eat two things at the same time. But you should probably put cling wrap over the vagina, unless you want to risk a yeast infection. Eating someone’s pie has long been a holiday favorite I’m sure. For some folks, it is the only time they really get their pie eaten. As “defined” by Urban Dictionary, there are a few ways to eat the pie, such as:
performing oral sex on a menstruating female.
Looks like Johnny’s been having a pie-eating contest.
or the usual
And some people also like cream with their pie too 🙂
3) “mash the potatoes”
I’ve never experienced mash potatoes in the bedroom. According to Urban Dictionary, this term means to either…
Of course, you can also refer to this term when potatoes are actually mashing like here… (the fact that someone actually sculpted mash potatoes into a sexual position….makes me feel better about my freaky mind).
4) “butter the corn”
The corn is another favorite replacement dildo. It’s so popular they actually have made corn inspired dildos now.
I swear I never knew people could get turned on by corn…but I guess if you look at corn closely it does resemble a part of the male anatomy. And you would butter the corn the usual way… with your mouth or another pair of lips, of course.
5) “cover with nuts”
Do I really have to explain this one??? “Nuts” are sometimes used to describe testicles, thus “nutting” is another term used to describe when a male ejaculates. Because a male’s ejaculation can be trajectory, the male’s partner can be covered in nuts or it can be directed at a particular part of his partner’s body. This method of showering their partner with nuts, seems to be a main staple in the porn industry, so there is plenty of video documentary on this if you need to do more research.
6) “squeeze the turkey baster”
Wow…I really hope you all have already eaten Thanksgiving dinner…because reading about turkey basting may cause you to never look at a turkey baster the same way again. Just a warning. So I never knew that a turkey baster could have so many sexual uses or there would be so many sexual references to it. (Where do these people come up with this stuff?!…I learn so many new things every day!!) Here are so more Urban Dictionary terms for your educational pleasure.
the act in which you have anal sex with a female whilst she is throwing up in the toilet
last night we got so drunk that i ended up turkey basting my girl friend
When you orgasm multiple times onto a woman’s stomach. Using the pull out method. Then wiping off using a towel or other cloth.
I love turkey basting onto a woman’s stomach.
It also seems that a turkey baster is helpful for self love and maybe even pregnancy…
This is another home made sex toy favorite. The possibilities are almost endless and it is so much cheaper than anything sold at Adam & Eve or Priscilla’s. All the things you can do with this amazing invention via homemade sex toys:
1. Use it to suck your clit
Remove the rubber bulb, place the opening over your clitoris, and squeeze rhythmically. Use some water-based lube for more suction and sensation. Simulate oral sex or just get your clit pumped up and sensitive.
2. Use it to suck your dick
Guys, try the same thing on the head of your cock. It’s like a mouth sucking on just the end. With a soft rubber bulb you probably won’t hurt yourself, but be gentle.
3. Use it as a nipple pump
Use the bulb the same way to “pump” your partner’s nipples. Let suction hold the bulb in place, then pull it, hit it, or let it hang.
4. Hump the baster tube
Rub the plastic baster tube against your clitoris, over it, and on the sides. Raised markings on the tube will give extra stimulation.
5. Water massage
Use it to squirt streams of water onto your clit. Do it fast and you can get a “pulsing” effect going. It’s easiest to do this in the tub.
6. DIY ejaculating dildo
A baster is the easiest DIY ejaculating dildo. Squirt warm water (or something else) into your vagina. Use some real baby gravy if you want to get pregnant. Don’t penetrate too deep or poke too hard with the baster tip
7. Anal douche/ejaculating dildo
This could be either an anal douche in preparation for anal sex, or to simulate an ejaculation into the ass. Use caution when inserting the hard end of the baster into the anus, and make sure there aren’t sharp plastic edges that could cause damage.
8. Air stream
Use it to blow puffs of air on the clit or other sensitive areas. Note: Blow air on and around the outside of the vagina or anus. Blowing air into the vagina or anus could cause an embolism, which can be life-threatening.
9. Pussy thumping
Hold the baster by the tube and rub, thump, and tap your partner’s clit and pussy with the rubber bulb. Nothing like a little pussy spanking to get her warmed up.
10. Water torture
Tie up your partner and use the baster to drip cold water on his or her sensitive areas.
11. Serve a creampie
Otherwise known as “felching”. After coming inside your partner, use the baster to suck out your jizz. What you do with it after that is your business
12. Love Taps
Grab the baster by the tube and whack your partner on the butt or back. The rubber bulb makes a nice “thwack” but doesn’t hurt too much. If they’ve been very naughty, discipline them with the plastic baster tube – it has more sting.
13. Ball gag
Remove the rubber bulb and fill with tissues. Stick the closed end into your partner’s mouth.
14. Lube applicator
To prepare yourself for anal sex or fisting, suction some lube up into the baster and squirt it up into your ass.
15. Rub one out
Masturbate by rubbing the bulb on your clit. Stick the baster in your panties with the bulb between your legs, hold the baster tube like a dick, and pump it up and down like you’re jacking off, Drop some marbles or lead fishing weights into the bulb for vibration as well as friction.
7) “stuff the turkey”
And last but not least on my list….this one is for the more adventurous soul. For committed couples, stuffing the turkey is a self explanatory innuendo. For individuals or couples who like to try something different on the holidays, here is an idea also brought to you by Urban Dictionary.
On a more serious note, despite the confusion on why this holiday was actually started, Thanksgiving does have a meaningful purpose behind it. I am thankful for a lot of things…some big, some small, and some only significant to me. One of the things I am thankful for is having this blog to release some of my more insane/intimate thoughts and for having followers/readers who actually lend me your time by supporting this blog. This means a lot to me. So whether you celebrate this holiday or not, I hope you have a lot to be thankful for this season!!
Peace and love!!
As this summer draws to an end, others will think of bar-b-ques and poolside drinks and sand in between their toes. I will only think of him and the taste of lemon and grape popsicles melted on my tongue. I still remember when my friend first bought them for me. I did not put popsicles on my grocery list, but she told me, “you are gonna be so glad to have them on a hot summer day.” Little did I know how right she would be. Indirectly, I have her to thank for sticky sheets and sweaty thighs and satisfied smiles…as I strolled into work late with my purple tongue as a reminder of what he tasted like.
He was the grounds keeper for the apartment complex. I was the sexy, single female who liked to water the plants on my balcony with nothing but my t-shirt and panties on…and sometimes with a lucky frozen fruit bar in my mouth.
It started with a favor on how to care for my plants. It ended with the taste of lemon and grape intertwined with each breath I took and every moan I released. I sucked on the tip of a frozen treat as he sucked on my nipples…until they stood erect like brown pyramids against the sandy desert of my skin. He used his tongue to taste me from my chest down to my navel, as I used mine to lick the juice dripping down the sides of the popsicle, like it was the sweat rolling down his abs.
He buried his head in between my thighs and proceeded to do a taste test of the pussy that was spread out before him. With the flat part of his tongue he stroked the entire length of my cleft. He sucked on my plump pussy lips till my thighs shook from the pleasure. He licked the juices flowing out of me like nectar from a flower, as I licked the melted sweetness dripping down my hands. He suckled and slurped me as if I tasted like the frozen lemon drop he finished minutes before he undressed me.
I fed him pussy with each thrust of my hip and he took in mouthful after mouthful. I tried to finish my frozen fruit bar before he finished me but I could no longer concentrate on the sticky sweetness which had melted all over my hands and mouth. He stroked my insides with his fingers as he sucked on my clit until I screamed out his name and begged him to stop.
As my pussy continued to pulsate, he kissed me with lips overworked from natural desires. He tasted of my orgasm mixed with a lemon tongue and I tasted of grape soda. His tongue was hot from my heat and I tried to cool it off with a tongue drenched in a frozen treat.
And so my summer began with the taste of lemon and grape. And in this way, it continued on… as I bought lemonade and grape frozen fruit bars, 2 and 3 boxes at a time. This past summer sure was a hot one …thank goodness for frozen popsicle treats.
J carries me into the bedroom and places me on the bed, still wrapped up like a sushi roll. My hair, still wet, is cascading down my back and leaving little round water stains on the covers.
“Will you lotion me up?” I ask.
“Do you want me to do your legs, arms, back or all over?”
“Well since you gave me that option, I’m gonna have to go with all over. And you know what I mean when I say all over.”
He laughs and says, “No, I have no idea what you mean by all over.”
He starts leaning into me, his presence forcing me to lay down on the bed. He places his hands on my leg and uses his fingers to gently graze me.
“You want me to lotion up here?” he asks while trailing his hands up my leg…then higher on my thigh.
I silently nod, my eyes already hooded, my body already anticipating.
“What about here?” J asks, while kissing my collarbone, slowly…gently. Then his tongue traces the outline of my shoulders. Damn, his lips feel so good. Every spot he kisses…licks…feels like it’s been hit with fireworks.
He takes his lips off of my shoulders and looks down at me. I know that if we start kissing…we will have to finish what we started in the shower, which means, the kitchen won’t get cleaned, emails won’t get sent, unpacking won’t get done…
He leans in and I automatically close my eyes and tilt my head up. Everything else can wait…his lips on mine are all that matter right now. His lips are not as hungry as they were earlier in the shower. He slowly brushes them against mine. I return his kiss with the same gentleness. My arms are circled around his neck. His hands are rubbing up and down my sides. We do this back and forth kissing…our lips as soft and tender as a butterfly’s grace…as if to extend the sweetness of the appetizer, before we get to the main course.
I try to fight back moans…but they rise with the beating of my heart. As if on cue, I can feel J start to harden. I wrap my legs around his back and his hands move down to grab my ass. Our kisses began to pick up the pace…our tongues tasting more urgently…our breaths getting more heavy. He starts grinding on top of me as his dick gets more and more defined…and my pussy is getting more and more moist. Our towels act as a barrier, and the friction of the terry cloth rubbing against my clit, is making me gasp and sigh in ways I can’t explain. His lips move from my lips down to my chin…down to my neck, where he flicks his tongue up and down, side to side.
“Oh, shit baby!” I love when J uses his tongue.
He doesn’t stop at my collarbone, but continues to head south. He unwraps the towel from around me and just stares at my body. I feel like I am being displayed like a piece of art and he is studying me…deciding which part of my body is the most beautiful to him. He gazes lovely at my breasts and seems to ponder, which one to enjoy first. He decides on my right breast and wraps his mouth around my taunt nipple. He suckles it, while fondling my left breast. I love the feel of his big hands on me. He uses his tongue…expertly moving it around and around my nipple, sending shivers down my spine and moans out of my mouth. He teases my nipple with his teeth as he finishes the right breast and switches over to give my left some attention. His sucking, licking, and nibbling is making me squirm uncontrollable…and I can tell he is just getting started.
He heads further south, kissing his way down, towards my belly button. And then lower still. He uses his tongue to graze the area where my legs meet my hips…and I am shuddering already…my breathing starts to stutter…I am so glad I decided to take the time to get that Brazilian wax. I hope the sight of my smooth pussy lips entices J enough to take a bite.
He hovers for a minute over my triangle. I can feel him eying it, even with my eyes closed. I know J is still kind of shy when it comes to pleasuring my pussy with his tongue and I don’t want to pressure him into it, so I just silently try to brainwash him with my telepathic thoughts.
What the fuck…I feel a slight breeze on my bare skin. It is warm and tingly. Oh shit, J is blowing on my pussy lips…damn! OMG…he is kissing my landing strip and heading further south. OMG…is he actually going to do it?! Is he actually going to taste me….
OMG…fuuuuck!! He takes his tongue and slides it in between my pussy lips. He places his hands under my ass and lifts my lower half off of the bed as he uses his lips and tongue to devour me.
“Omigod, baby. Fuck! Damn, that feels so good!”
The only responses I get from him are more slurps of his tongue, as he flicks it up and down my pussy lips. I am tingling everywhere. My hands are all in his hair…squeezing his shoulders…and with every moan I release, he is tasting me harder and harder. It’s like I have gold in between my legs and he’s using his tongue to unlock my treasure chest. He is damn good at this…I can hardly contain myself. My body is shaking and my pussy is pulsating and I’m dripping…everywhere. So much profanity is coming out of my mouth…I feel possessed by the devil. So much pleasure is riveting from my pussy to the rest of my body, I feel like I’ve lost control of my shakes and shudders. I am starting to feel it, but there is one more thing I need from him before he can take me over the edge. I use one hand to spread open my pussy lips wider, so his tongue can dig in even deeper…and I use my other hand to guide his head, higher up…to my happy bump. He follows my guide without any hesitation and starts sucking on my clit. His tongue and lips go into overdrive and I can no longer control my need to cum.
“Fuck, baby…I am about to cum…Please don’t stop…Just suck on my clit…Yes, right there…” Omyfuckinggoodness…my body is experiencing wave after wave of spasms. My eyes go blind and see colorful spots dancing at the same time. My hands are everywhere…clutching the bed sheets, J’s head, J’s shoulders…until I can’t take it anymore. My pussy is just pulsating and I’m soo sensitive that I have to push him away. I’m trying to slide away from him and he grabs my legs and looks up at me.
“I never said I was done,” J says, with a greedy, hungry look in his eyes.
“Baby, I swear I can’t take it anymore.”
“Are you begging me to stop?” J asks, hardly able to believe what he was hearing. I am always ready for more. I am the one sheltering a nymph deep within my loins.
“Baby, I just came soo good, I have to catch my breath. And damn, where did you learn to eat pussy like that?!”
“You liked it?” he says with a grin.
He knows I liked it…actually I loved it. “Baby, if you eat my pussy like that every day, I swear I will clean your apartment, wash your laundry, cook every night…”
He interrupts my sentence with a kiss. He tastes of my orgasm. I open my mouth and search out his tongue with my own…wanting to do to his mouth, what he just did to my pussy. I suck on his lower lip and can taste my own desires. I can feel his shaft…so hard…up against my tender lips. He is moaning and grinding on top of me. I can tell he is ready for the main course.
“Grab my dick,” J commands. I do as I’m told and begin to stroke him. Gently, but steady… I move my hands up and down…up and down. His dick is so hard…I know he is just aching to be inside of me. I place his dick in between my legs but don’t let him inside…yet. I just want him to feel the heat coming from my core. He adjusts his weight on top of me and starts grinding his hips again. My pussy, still sensitive from being his midnight snack…instantly throbs for more.
“K, do you want me inside of you?”
“Hell yes. What are you waiting for? My pussy is so wet!”
“I didn’t hear the magic words.”
Magic words?? Oh… “Please, J…I want you so bad.”
“Beg me…” he says, still grinding his shaft against my valley.
I feel him take his dick and direct it into my opening. My body tenses up. I can feel the tip of his dick as he slowly starts to fill me up. Every time is like the first time between us.
“Oh, shit!!” I throw my head back and a gasp escapes from deep within.
With every stroke he is prying me open…wider and wider, plunging deeper and deeper…into my pussy. Opps…I meant my heart. Ahh…shit…fuck romance at the moment. This feels so damn good, I can’t even think straight right now. His long, thick dick is plunging deeper and deeper into my pussy…and with every thrust, I’m releasing pussy juices. I mean every centimeter of his cock is soaked. My wet ecstasy is literally seeping into his pores…and J is loving it.
TO BE CONTINUED….
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The water is cascading down my hair and all over my body. Then a slight breeze tickles my nipples and they respond with hardened tips. I know he is there. He doesn’t have to say a word. I can feel his eyes watching me as I shower. My eyes remain closed as I rinse off my shampoo, along with all the stress and dirt from a busy day.
“J, is that you?” I ask.
“Who else would be watching you take a shower?” he jokingly replies back.
I finally open my eyes…just in time to see him slip off his black boxer briefs and step into the standing shower with me. Damn, he is a sight to behold…especially when his lean, 6’3” frame is standing in front of you naked. I step backwards to allow the shower head to spray him with droplets that do nothing but accentuate his strong shoulders, glisten off of his arms and trickle down his chest. I try not to watch the droplets that are traveling via his chest…because then my eyes will be drawn down to his penis…and oh, what a pretty penis it is. It’s the same sunny, almond color as the rest of his body…a good 7.5 to 8 inches depending on the time and day…and super thick. It’s the type of dick you want to conquer with your mouth…and your pussy. He doesn’t even have to “man-scape” since he barely has any hair surrounding his cock…and what little he has is like an arrow pointing to his prize possession. Well it’s actually more like my prize possession. He could care less about the size of his dick…and is as humble about it, as he is with everything else in his life.
A splash of water hits my face and I am shaken out of my reverie.
“What are you daydreaming about there, pretty girl? It better not be about another man.” J laughs. He knows that I have eyes only for him.
“And what if I was?” I retort back as I “try” to tickle him. I say “try” because J declares that he is not ticklish…even when he clearly squirms every time my fingers tickle his sides.
“Stop, I told you I’m not ticklish,” J says…of course all the while trying to fight back laughter and squirming like a wiggle worm from side to side. He then easily picks my 4’10” frame and places me against the shower wall, as I wrap my legs around his back. He showers my face and neck with little pecks as I giggle with delight and try to not get water into my eyes.
“Did you miss me today?” I ask.
“Umm…naw, not really he says,” while shaking his head no. “I can think of 10 other places I would rather be right now, instead of showering naked with you…like being in a gym with a bunch of sweaty, smelly men,” he teases.
I laugh out loud. We have grown to love and understand each other’s sense of sarcastic humor. I know how to read through his sarcasm to realize that the most important things out of his mouth, are what he does not say.
I kiss him on the lips. What started as an innocent peck, turns into an instant hunger. His arms grip around me tighter, as he presses me even harder against the wall. My arms are around his neck as our lips melt into one and my tongue searches out his. I suck on his bottom lip and a moan escapes from deep in his throat. I can feel him harden in between my open and parted legs. We haven’t seen each other in a few weeks and the time apart has only made our kisses even more intense and our carnal desires even harder to fight. I miss him terrible and my heart and body just won’t let me pull away from his kisses. Finally he stops and wills himself to pull away. I don’t know how he does it, but J has always had more willpower than me.
“Whew, baby,” he says, while catching his breath. “We’ve got to stop before I lose all self-control in the shower.”
He gently lowers me back down. I had already finished washing myself up but I grabbed our two bath sponges and poured body wash into both…one for him and one for me…so that we could wash each other down. We have this routine of washing each other’s bodies and it is a habit I love.
I turn my back to him so he can scrub me down…first my back, then my neck. Then he gets on his knees and I like being the taller one at the moment. He gently places pecks all over my butt cheeks and I just sigh in contentment. I place my hands on the shower wall for support and arch my back towards him… silently begging him not to stop. He then scrubs down my legs and even the soles of my feet. J is such a detailed person. Then he spins me around to face him. I start washing his chest…his shoulders…his neck…then the back of him. His face is serious and his eyes are zoomed in on my breasts. My breasts are not too big…not too small…at a 34 C and very round…they are just right for J. He loves my breasts…he is totally a breasts man. I want him to just grab them and put them in his mouth…and suck…and lick…and nibble…until I can’t stand it anymore. But he doesn’t. He simply places little soft pecks everywhere as he is still gently scrubbing my lower back and butt. Gosh… I wish he didn’t have such restraint. He unintentionally makes me feel like a nympho sometimes.
“Baby, please…” I say.
“Shhh…I just want to take it slow. Let me enjoy this view. I just want to wash you up right now.”
He is such a tease and he knows it. Or maybe he’s really a sweetheart…and I’m just really a horny mess right now.
Then J suddenly puts his mouth over my left breast and I moan instantly. His hands are all over my ass…palming my round butt checks, like they are his favorite pair of basketballs. I lean myself closer to him and hold onto the back of his head. The shower is hitting my back…this feels like a dream…a wet dream. His hands slowly move from my butt to my hips. Then he slightly parts my legs with one of his hands and slides it in between my thighs. He places his thumb on my happy bump and uses his other four fingers to lightly trace the outside of my pussy lips. He has barely touched my pleasure zone and I am already gasping for air. I start panting and moaning as his fingers continues to search me. It feels so good I can barely keep my knees from collapsing. I don’t want him to stop…but he does.
“K, let’s finish showering so we can go to the bedroom. I want to lay you down.”
So typical of J…his favorite place to have sex is in bed. I was actually hoping he would try something different tonight, but I guess not.
“Wait J, I haven’t finished cleaning you up. Stand up, so I can get your legs.”
When he stands up, I can barely concentrate. I am scrubbing him down…moving the bath sponge up and down his long legs…my pussy is throbbing…and his beautiful dick is in my face. I can’t take it anymore…I want that thing in my mouth! He feels me reach for it and he tries to push my hands away.
“Baby, not here. I really want to get out of here. The water is getting cold anyways.”
I ignore him. He’s a man…he doesn’t know what he wants half the time anyways. But I know what I want. I want to taste him with the cool water hitting my back. I want him to just lose control, relax and release himself onto me. ..and then let the water clean us off. So I ignore what his mouth is saying …and listen to his dick. Because his dick clearly wants me to suck it. It has grown hard in my hands again.
Before he can protest again, I grab the base of his dick and guide the rest of it into my mouth. A moan escapes his lips. He gives in to me…finally. He braces himself against the wall and leans his head back…eyes closed. I take my tongue and trace from the base of his dick to the tip…slowly. Then I use my tongue to draw circles around the head…over and over again. He can barely contain himself…with all types of moans and half spoken profanity coming out of his mouth. My lips form a tight grip around the head of his dick and I slowly suck…moving my head back and forth…and taking him deeper and deeper with each head nod. His hands are tangled in my hair…he starts controlling my head…causing me to take him even deeper…even faster. I have to use my hands to slow his movements. His dick is so big, it keeps hitting the back of my throat and I am trying to fight my gag reflex. My eyes are starting to water. Gosh…K, keep it together. Just breathe in through your nose. I don’t want him to stop….I can’t tell him to slow down…otherwise he may never let himself lose control like this again. I attempt to maintain it…to regain control of the stroke. I start moaning as I continue to work my mouth and lips up and down his shaft.
“Oh shit, I’m starting to feel it. Oh shit…don’t stop. Go crazy on the top of my dick. Baby I’m about to cum…”
I can feel his legs start to shake and his dick starting to tense up. I lean my head back, with my mouth open and tongue out. He knows what to do. He takes over where my hands used to be and aims for my mouth. I hear him say “fuck” before I feel his seeds spill all over me. He seeds are showering down on my tongue, my chin, dripping down my neck…while the cool water is plastering my back. He’s been holding it for weeks and the buildup is evident all over me. He finally finishes unloading himself and sighs with relief.
He looks down at me and says, “Baby, are you ok? I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
“No, of course not, I love sucking you off and I love the way you taste,” I say, as I gently clean his tender and now shrunken dick. I then finish rinsing myself, along with what remains of J, off of my skin. Finally I turn the water off.
He hugs me tenderly. “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” he says, in between pecks all over my checks. “That was awesome. You are awesome.”
I smile to myself. I love pleasing him. I love the warm afterglow I get when I see him so satisfied…and so happy. After every time he cums, he gets this cheesy smile…you know, the ones where his dimples show…and I love knowing that I am the reason behind it.
He grabs a towel and wraps it around his waist. Then he grabs a towel for me and slowly dries me off. I look into his face…and he is still smiling…hard, like a camel…LOL.
“Wait, are you laughing at me?”
“Hahahaha, yes. Don’t ask me why…”
“Why are you laughing at me?! I’m not doing anything but drying you off.”
I laugh even harder, barely able to contain myself. “Hahahaha….omg…sorry. I was imagining you looking like a camel.”
At that comment, he picks me up off the floor and carries me out of the bathroom…with me still squealing and laughing in his arms.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Ok…it’s no secret I have the worst luck in love. I am not qualified to tell you how to find “the one”…and even if I was qualified, you probably would not want to take my advice because I am slightly “unconventional”. But what I am qualified to help you out with, is to find out if the guy is NOT the one. Unfortunately, I have dated enough “no” men to make up my own rule book. And yes, believe it or not, all of these situations personally happened to me. So learn from my mistakes!!! If the guy you are dating or is interested in dating exhibits any of these characteristics….RUN THE OTHER WAY!!
Here are 11 signs that he is NOT the one for you (these are not in particular order of importance):
#1 He is not the one…if he “borrows” your lip gloss (but he actually has the intent of never returning it back to you). I know you are thinking…it’s just lip gloss…and I don’t want my man to walk around with chapped and cracked lips (this is what chapstick is for…or butter…or chicken grease). Well that’s what I used to think too…until one day he was standing next to me at Wal-Mart with glossy, glittery lips and I was really praying (and yes, sometimes I pray about superficial things like this) that no one I knew would recognize us. And after the lip gloss…he will start to borrow your Bath and Body Works, highly scented body lotion and body wash. And your feminine powder. And then you finally break up with him and next thing you know, you find out that he stole half of your lip glosses, used up half your bath products and stole replaced your favorite Jillian Micheals workout DVD with a Snoop Dog CD.
So don’t let him borrow your lip gloss or buy him any as a gift…unless you find this attractive…and if you do, more power to you and just ignore Rule #1.
#2 He is not the one…if he calls you by another woman’s name…unless you told him your name was Delicious or Cinnamon and he was dumb enough to believe you. Once I had breakfast with a man, after a romantic night spent together, and he looked me right in the eyes and called me “Amber.” That’s really a beautiful name, but it’s not mine. He apologized right away and said he had no idea where that came from, because he doesn’t even know anyone named Amber and besides Amber sounds kind of like my name…right. The next time we had sex, I “accidently” called him Dale.
#3 He is not the one…if he calls you 20 times a day “to check up on you” or follows you around town or comes over to your place UNINVITED all hours of the night/early morning. That is not cute…or sweet. Trust your gut…those are the habits of a stalker/psycho/paranoid freak…and none of those characteristics are ones that you want in your boyfriend/husband. Next thing you know, he will have your body chopped up in his freezer. And if you don’t trust your gut and continue to date him because, oh I don’t know, maybe you think he’s cute (most killers don’t look like Freddy Krueger by the way)…at least tell your friends or a trusted family member. That way if you come up missing, the police will know to check his basement first.
#4 He is not the one…if you cannot sleep with him. And NO, I don’t mean sexually. I mean if you literally, cannot sleep with him…because he snores like a bear in hibernation, or he talks in his sleep like a possessed demon, or his breath in your face smells like your dog passed gas, after you feed him beans…
Once I spent the night with a man who literally scared me half to death in his sleep. He spent half the night talking in his sleep. At one point he rolled over, rubbed my butt and said “Yo, Nicole has a nice ass.” Well, my name is not Nicole and I don’t know whether I was more upset that he was dreaming about some girl named Nicole or whether she was getting credit for how nice my ass felt. To make matters worse, he had a nightmare which caused his arms to flail around like he was the inflatable tube man. ..but worse…
I thought he was going to hit me in the head with his flailing arms and I was so afraid his eyes were going to turn red at any moment. I was as far away from him as I could be without falling off of the bed. Thankfully, the whole date was a nightmare, but his sleeping habits made it even easier for me to never see him again.
#5 He is not the one…if he goes down on you and you start thinking about all the dishes you have to wash in the sink, or how you have to clean up the bathroom, or all the groceries you have to buy. This also applies to kissing, cuddling, sex, etc. Those experiences should be so mind-blowing that your brain cannot find the mental capacity to think about anything else besides pleasure. Of course, you could always tell him that he needs to move slower/faster, be more gently/rough, etc. but if he is still not getting the picture after you let him “practice” some more on you…then you just have to accept the fact that he will never be able to please you sexually and you need to move on to another man who can.
#6 He is not the one…if he wakes up in the middle of the night to have sex with you and you have a dream that you are inserting a tampon into your vagina. Or you are giving him a hand job and it’s reminding you that you need to stop smoking cigarettes. You shouldn’t look at your tampon and think of your man’s dick and your period at the same time.
Besides why fuck a tampon when there are so many other options out there…like a banana.
#7 He is not the one…if he disrespects your family and/or friends. A man who wants to be a part of your life should know that your friends and family are important to you. It doesn’t mean that he has to like all of your friends or family (I mean not even you like all of them, all the time) but he has to have enough common sense to be civil and should not talk bad about them to you because this puts you in an uncomfortable position. Now unless a situation comes up where your friends or family really are in the wrong…I suggest that you re-evaluate your man to see whether or not he can really fit into your social circle. And if he doesn’t then you know what I say…”chicks before dicks.”
#8 He is not the one…if he lies to you. This applies to cheating too. And yes…lying about what and who he had dinner with is still a lie…and they only get bigger over time. Or if he thinks you are lying and cheating on him and constantly accuses you of this…it’s still NOT acceptable. This shows that there is no trust in the relationship. And if you really are lying and cheating on him, then why are you in the relationship anyways. Oh…it’s because he has some good dick?? Well honey, then he’s really just a fuck buddy that you disguised as a boyfriend. If that’s what you really want then go for it. Otherwise, stop wasting your time because in the end, those guys are usually just good for one thing…and that’s fucking…not just your body, but also good at fucking with your head, your heart, your time, etc.
#9 He is not the one…if he asks you what it feels like to be penetrated by a penis. And don’t even try to explain it to him…because it will never make sense, unless he’s had prior experience with men. And if he had prior experience with a man…he wouldn’t be asking you this question anyways. And then next thing you know…he is asking you to demonstrate the experience on him…with a cucumber (I guess it was the only thing that resembled a dick in the refrigerator at the time). And that just makes for a very awkward moment that you will want to forget about the rest of your life.
#10 He is not the one…if he calls you “stupid”, “fat”, “ugly”, “bitch”, “whore” or any other words that are meant to insult and hurt you (now if these words turn you on and he’s using them in a sexual situation, then this might be ok). A real man who truly cares about you will NEVER do this…no matter how angry you make him!! Actually he will be saying so many other positive things, so you don’t feel fat, ugly or stupid. Plus once he tells you that you are stupid, then you have to tell him what a dumbass he is as well…then he says you are fat, and then you have to tell him his breath smells like onions covered in mustard, left out in the hot sun for a week…then he says you are ugly, so you have to tell him what a small dick he really has …then he says you are a bitch, so you have to tell him that he was the worst experience you had in bed…then he says it’s because you are a whore, so then you confess to sleeping with his brother, who has a big dick and is amazing in bed. So you see…to avoid awkward conversations like this…that eventually end up very, very bad…and no amount of apologizing will fix it…just don’t tolerate it when a man calls you inappropriate names.
#11. And finally…he is not the one…if he throws a shoe at you. Or almost hits you but accidentally on purpose misses your face because he meant to scare you. Nothing funny to say about this situation. Walk away and never look back. Believe me, if you stay in this situation, the pain will only get worse and he will not change. And it isn’t your fault that he is a deranged, violent, unstable man with low self-esteem, who uses your heart as a punching bag because he really hates himself.
On that final note, remember…
NOW GO OUT AND DATE!!! WISHING YOU GOOD LUCK AND GOOD LOVING!!
Hotel room stirrings
Sprung on by chocolate dreams
And a muscadine high.
Lips on mine
Before I even realize
Butterfly kisses melt into
Birthday wishes and
Walls crumble as
On buttons, zippers, and
My eyes linger on the view
That readies my body on cue.
My waves crash against the shore
Meeting the hardness of your core.
My goal, to release your energy
Into milky, white dreams set free.
(c) 2012 Ksoranna
You just got home from a long, hard day at work. After getting settled in, you sit in your favorite chair, in front of the computer, or where ever it is, that helps you release the stress of the day. It’s ok, just close your eyes. Relax your neck and shoulders. Breathe in deeply…count to ten. Release that breath.
You breathe in again. You sniff the air…it is the scent of Victoria’s Secret Strawberry and Champagne body wash. It’s ok…it’s just me stepping out of the shower. You don’t open your eyes or turn your head, but you listen to my footsteps, moving closer and closer to you. I walk up behind you and gently brush my fingertips across your neck…you love when I do this. You smile as I gently suck on your right earlobe and whisper, “Hey Big Daddy, how was work?”
It’s a rhetorical question…you know full well I am not here to talk about work. I am here to help you forget about work.
You start to get up and I tell you, “No, don’t. I want to be on top.” I straddle you and you love the sight of me in a blue silk robe…you know the one that always slips open, and my long black hair is still damp…leaving wet spots on my robe wherever the droplets fall from my hair.
I take your face into my hands and bring my lips to yours. I kiss you, gentle pecks at first, then more urgently. Your hands are tangled in my long, wet hair. I suck on your bottom lip and continue to kiss you like your lips taste of chocolate and caramel.
I move from your lips to your chin, slowly tracing a trail with my lips. I move from your chin down to the apple in your neck and use my tongue to lightly lick your neck with gentle flicks. I go up and down, not leaving a spot on your neck untouched. I take my time because I love the way you taste…fresh but with a hint of salty sweat, left over from a long work day. I finally get to your earlobe and suck on it again…using my teeth to gently nibble it, as your earlobes leave my mouth.
I can feel the hardness in your pants start to grow. I know you want me to release him but I make you wait a little longer. I unbutton your dress shirt…one button at a time, giving you a kiss after each one is undone. I slip the shirt off your shoulders and down your arms, until all you have on is a white undershirt. I gently kiss your collarbone and trace my tongue down to where your collarbone melts into the middle of your neck. Then I take your undershirt and lift it up over your raised arms and off. It falls to the ground next to your work shirt. I kiss your shoulders, peck by peck, down your arms, past your elbows…it takes me 43 kisses to reach your fingertips. I take your thumb and slip it into my mouth. You instantly groan and I can feel your manhood harden even more. I work your thumb with my mouth and my wet tongue, going up and down, up and down…you are imagining what else I am good at sucking. I repeat the motion with the rest of your hand.
You are asking me to release him. “Please, please, take him out,” you beg of me. I undo your belt and your button and unzip you…I can’t wait to release your hardness from the confines of cloth and thread, that is separating you from the warmness between my legs.
I leave your pants on but finally, your hardness is able to breathe. I massage him with my hands…my soft, petite hands that make your manhood look huge. I kiss you…all gentleness out the door. You capture my lips in between your own, hungry for the taste of me. Your tongue explores the gap that separates my breath from yours.
Your big, strong hands are underneath my robe…palming my soft, round ass…gripping my back, my waist, my hips…My breath quickens and moans escape every time your lips release mine.
Your hardness is thumping against me and I can feel myself getting moist, like that first drizzle of rain before a thunderstorm.
“Put him in” you growl, no longer able to fight your carnal desires. I pick myself up and slowly lower my wetness onto your hardness…I get past the tip and almost lose control, but I catch myself and pull myself off of you. I want to feel the tip again, so I pull myself up and slowly lower myself onto you once more. You no longer take the teasing and thrust your hard cock into my 4’10” frame. I gasp out your name, as your hardness invades my tightness. I am so tight you feel like you must have the biggest dick in the world as my soft, wetness bounces up and down on your dick. You are thinking, “Oh shit, damn, Asians do have the best pussy.” You can feel my walls surround your dick with every up and down motion I do. You feel so good that my wetness is trickling down the side of your dick. My breast slowly emerges from behind my robe with every thrust and moan I give you. You have one hand on my ass and the other on my right breast. They look like round, full grapefruits with Hersey kiss nipples. My skin is flushed a soft bronze and you feast on my full, round fruit. My hands are in your hair, pulling you into my chest to feed you seconds. I am grinding and riding…faster and faster…breathing harder and harder. I can feel my heat rising…toes curling…legs shaking. I can feel myself losing control as orgasmic spasms rock my body from head to toe. Breathing heavy, I recollect my breaths as I lay my head against your shoulder.
You give me 5 seconds to regain control but then you lift me up and set me on your desk. You rip your pants and boxers off in 0.25 seconds. My robe is wide open exposing everything from my neck down past my navel. You look down to see nipples, erect, chest rising, and my legs open, exposing lips glistening with wetness leftover from orgasms orchestrated by your dick. I am biting my lips…eager and anticipating your hardness entering me…again and again. You grip my waist and bring me to meet your hardness halfway…I am gasping with every meeting. You are like a beast and I am like a china doll, submitting to your every need and desire.
You feel your hardness throbbing against my inner walls and you want to bury your seeds deep inside of me. Your knees get weak and you start to lose control…and you want to lose it all…all the stress, all the anger, all the desire…you want to release it all inside of me. And you finally do…and it was exactly what you needed to end your night.
Thank you for letting me mind fuck you.
Sex is like a drug
That some use in place of love.
Addicted to the night
When only sex can make it right.
That initial touch,
That high you crave so much
From fingers yet unknown
Undress breasts, still unshown.
Kisses fast and incomplete
Breath catching in defeat
Heartbeat racing, loud and clear
Hormones ready, in high gear.
Fingers search for that spot
A few flicks here, make you hot.
Lips working, tongue thick
Wetness dripping with every lick.
Sex hard as a rock
Impatiently he knocks
On your wet door
Entering the only cure.
That aching throb inside…
Your cravings pacified
Addiction… for now, satisfied.
Craving your body all through the night
Kissing you, rubbing you, holding you tight.
Skin on skin, eye to eye
Tender touch so soft from inside.
Your tongue on my neck, lips on my breasts,
Leaving my body in eager unrest.
Entangled among the sheets, entwined as one
Leave all thoughts behind, let our bodies have fun.
I fit every inch and every curve.
You caress my spot and tickle every nerve.
Slowly whisper softly to me
And guide me to the point of ecstasy.
Hear the moans you can’t ignore,
As I say your name and call for more.
Laying beside you, so close, yet so far away.
Lost in each other’s presence, there are no words worthy enough to say
That could break this calmness, that has trapped us in time.
For a moment I am yours, and for now, you are mine.
I savor your breath on my ear…my neck
I anticipate the chills that emerge from the tips of your fingers
And in my mind, I silently lust
For more of your electric touch
To move higher up… to my bra…my breasts
To release these hindered moans
Caught in the walls of my chest.
And I yearn for your lips to misbehave,
For your tongue to follow suit
And for my body to cave in…to our desires of what can be
If we let down our guard and opened our minds
To explore this chemistry
That is hidden from view
Except from my eyes, and it’s only for you.
My heart skips and my cheeks flush
At the thought of what ifs occurring between the two of us.
What if…I pressed my body so close to yours that the rise and fall of our chests became one breath and
What if…I took your face into my hands, brushed your lips with mine, met your tongue halfway until we lost all sense of time and
What if…I let you lick my lips… not the ones on my face, but the ones with a clit…until they pulsated with my wet desire, that overpowered my body and set my soul on fire and
What if…I returned the favor by discovering your weakness in its salty flavor, as I gently suck you dry with strokes so sweet that if your nuts had wings, they would fly and
What if…I rocked my hips to match your beat until you lost control and curled your toes and let out cries of satisfied defeat and
But then my phone interrupts my thoughts
Of you and me and what could be
And I leave your couch to return to this reality.
(TOO BE CONTINUED…)