February 16, 2014: I felt trapped. Suffocating in a relationship that no longer had a future; with a man I had long fallen out of love with. Two days after Valentine’s Day and the only thing I was looking forward to was my move out date in 6 days. There is nothing harder than having a one-sided relationship with a man who won’t meet you halfway; nothing more heartbreaking than kissing a man who won’t kiss back; nothing more pathetic than crying alone on my side of the bed when he was less than an arm’s length away.
April 26, 2014: I turned 29. One year away from the big 30 and even with all that I had accomplished, I still felt dissatisfied with my life. But that was nothing new. Growing up, I always wanted more for myself and more out of the life I was so blessed to have. But that weekend was more than about me feeling like I was stuck in a rut; it was also the weekend I found out my good friend passed away…the day after I saw him for my birthday dinner. Even now, replaying the moment I heard the news still brings tears to my eyes. I still remember for my 26th birthday, he got to work early to blow up balloons and decorate my desk area to surprise me.
That was the kind of friend he was. He sat next to me for almost 2 years and kept me laughing and my spirits high every day that we worked together. When I moved into my first apartment alone, he gave me a really nice glass set. Till this day, it is still the glass set I drink from. It is so hard to explain what it feels like to see someone arriving on their customary motorcycle, to eat and laugh, to hug them good-bye…like you two have done for the last 5 years, only to find out that they got into a fatal motorcycle accident the next morning. As much as his friendship affected my life; his death affected it even more. Now more than before, I understood the meaning of cherishing every moment, appreciating every friendship, and most importantly to truly love living. It was at that moment, I knew I had to worry less about the future, enjoy the present, and pursue my daydreams even harder.
July 10, 2014: For the first time in my life, I stepped onto European soil. After a year of planning, saving, and daydreaming about the moment; it passes by in a blink of an eye. My best friend and I spent the next 2 weeks exploring Rome, Barcelona, and Madrid and it was a life changing experience; as most international travels always are. There is no way I can put into words what it feels like to walk down a cobblestone street listening to beautiful Italian accents, while enjoying an authentic gelato with my best friend, under a beautiful sun, with the iconic Roman Colosseum in sight. There is nothing as refreshing as “summer wine” in Madrid after a long, hot day or as delicious as spicy potato fritters at Bar Nuria (http://http://www.nuria.com/en/#_=_) while people watching in Barcelona. It is every bit as amazing as I had imagined it would be and exactly the break from my real life that I needed. If you are ever presented with the opportunity to travel internationally, do it!! It will bring more value to your life than any designer purse, spa day, or luxury car that will only depreciate over time. Traveling opens your eyes to sights not seen on tv and enlightens your soul, like few other things in this world can.
July 26, 2014: I had fallen in love/in lust with a married man. In life you always say there are certain things you will never do, certain lines you will never cross but the older I’ve gotten, the more I realize that list gets shorter and shorter as I continue to break all the imaginary “rules” I laid out for myself. We spent all day at the beach and it was like a scene from a movie. A wonderful, sweet, sappy, and romantic movie. We laid out on the beach, frolicked among the waves, and kissed on the shoreline as the waves crashed against our laps.
Some people are in your life for a reason and he helped to remind me of what amazing chemistry felt like, what passion and love could be like…with the right person. He wasn’t the “right” person, but when he touched me, it felt like magic. When he kissed me and made love to me, I thought of nothing and no one else. We were both so deprived of intimacy, that we poured all of that need into each other. I had more orgasms in the few months I was with him, then I did in the year before I met him. He looked at me and I felt beautiful. When I had a bad day, he would make a point to send me funny videos. When I got discouraged, he would push and motivate me. He always believed that I would go on to do bigger and better things, sometimes more than I did. In the shortest time, he somehow colored my world more than he will ever know.
October 1, 2014: I found out I didn’t get the promotion at work. I was beyond insulted and thought I was more qualified than some of the others who got the promotion. I didn’t know it at the time, but this event was the main catalyst that would propel me to start looking outside my comfort zone. Looking back, I am so thankful that I didn’t get this promotion because if I did, I would have stayed in the same city I grew up in, surrounded by my family and friends, and my life would have completely taken another path than the journey I am on now.
October 27, 2014: The day that changed my life forever and I hated him. I wished he would get hit by a semi-truck and be forever paralyzed from the neck down. If my life were a reality show; this episode would be the season finale. I became every single crazy woman stereotype and continued breaking all of my “rules”. Catch him in multiple lies and stay with him – check. Catch him cheating and stay with him – check. Allow yourself to be in a love triangle and stay with him – check. Drive over to his house banging on the door and screaming at the top of your lungs at 2 in the morning – check. Try to get your roommate and 4 of his big friends to threaten the guy – check. Ask your pregnant sister if you could please have some of her urine so you can pretend to be pregnant – check. Out of every dark storm, there is a silver lining and my sanity was saved by the most unlikeliest person. “The other woman” made me a stronger person; she became my support group when I felt like I had no one else who could understand me. Despite all the hurt and anger, we became friends as he becomes a distant memory. Some days it is still a struggle to not think of him and as I feel that dark anger and sadness start to engulf me, she reminds me….everything will be ok, everything will get better, and I am beautiful and amazing and loved. We still talk on a regular basis and I know that, even though the bonds that tie us together are dark and ugly, we will be friends for the rest of our lives.
November 17, 2014: I got the job! Everything happened in a whirlwind. Things were so bad at my last job that one day I went home and applied to 6 open positions. My best friend kept talking about the DC area and out of desperation, I just happened to apply to 2 jobs in the DC area that I found through LinkedIn. I got a phone interview that Thursday and an in person interview the following Monday. I walked into the firm and it felt like home; like I belonged there. I came home after the interview and told my roommate that the job was made for me and I don’t know who could have been more of a better candidate. I logged into my email to write out a thank you letter and had an offer waiting for me…4 hours after I had left my interview. Three weeks later, I moved to an unfamiliar city where I barely knew anyone and just prayed that I had made a good decision and that this move was for the best. Two months later, and I am happy to proclaim that this was the best decision I have ever made for myself.
February 14, 2015: I had a great Valentine’s Day. To think that just a year ago, I was dreading Valentine’s Day. I was getting over a cold at the same time that I was getting over my relationship. I woke up to a card, chocolates, and cough drops. Fast forward a year and I am enjoying Spanish tapas and refreshing sangrias, with one of the sweetest and most understanding guys I’ve ever met. We are laughing, he’s speaking Spanish to me, I am watching the snow falling outside, and he’s rubbing my bare feet that fit so comfortably on his lap. He knows parts of me that are dark, sees the tension that these secrets bring to me, and accepts me and my baggage wholeheartedly. He kisses me, touches me, and all the anger of the last 5 months slips away. I am still learning what his purpose in my life is, but he is giving me something to believe in again.
February 16, 2015: I am free. I love my new job. I love my new city. I am starting to love my body again. I have two international trips planned. My writer’s block has finally been lifted and I’m writing again. At this moment, all seems right in my life and I could not ask for anything more. I am happier than I have been in a long time.
Where were you when I cried myself to sleep, when I felt the walls caving in and control melt away?
Where were you when memories haunted me and nightmares visited at night?
Where were you when my insomnia refused to give me peace and the whole world abandoned me to simmer in my own thoughts?
Isn’t it ironic, that in a world where everyone has a cell phone, no one is picking up my phone call.
Were you blinded by my surface smile
As I convinced you that I was dancing…and happy…and beautiful?
Were you deafened by my laughter
As I covered my fears…and anxiety…and sadness?
How people are so easily fooled when they see all the glitter and the gloss but never the undercoat colors with which I paint myself.
No matter how many friends I have,
Or how big my family is,
Or who I am dating,
Or how many shoes I buy,
Or how many cookies I eat,
On a Saturday night, I am still the lonely girl.
The girl that used to eat lunch by herself, play with rocks in the sand instead of other people,
I am still the girl that was teased for my big glasses and home-made haircut and hand me down clothes.
I am still the girl that uses words to escape to a place where no one can hurt me, like when they said I was ugly.
There is still a part of me, that no one can touch
There is still a pain that no hug can heal
An ache that no amount of alcohol can ease
And no one will ever know how I really feel.
I feel like I have my head under water and I can’t breath but I refuse to drown.
I feel lost…just so utterly lost and I have no GPS, no map, not even a freaking compass, and I’m driving on this road alone.
I feel like I want to sleep my days away, the type of sleep that numbs your mind and your senses.
I feel like I want to shred every paper and trash every insignificant thing in my life.
I feel like it’s Christmas Day and I am the only one still waiting on my gift, that never comes.
I feel like an orphan and no matter how much you tell me you love me and want me, a part of me will never believe you.
I want to run away…from these walls…from these emotions…from these headaches,
I want to escape my life…and leave myself behind.
What if…two simple words
That have haunted me
Like a shadow
Clinging to cobwebs
I cleaned out long ago.
In the back of my mind,
You never left, always there
Reminded by dimpled smiles
Of strangers unaware,
Of their resemblance to you
In the way that they walked
Or in your favorite color, blue.
I can still hear your laughter
Carried by the breeze.
Still remember “Because of You”
Played on piano keys
With the same fingers
That traced my face,
Tucked my hair behind my ears
And expertly removed lace.
I can still feel you
At night, you enter my dreams.
You waited for me to come to you
Like in blockbuster movie scenes
Where the girl always gets the guy
And it’s never too late
And love always wins
No matter how much they tempt fate.
But I am not an actress
And time has moved fast like
The tide stealing sand from the shore
This emptiness I saved for you,
I can no longer ignore.
Memories of your love
Still capture me,
Like the moon, I’m caught
Inside your gravity.
Please, release me,
Set me free
From shadowy cobwebs
That still haunt me.
Oh how I feel so free,
I could fly, I could sing,
I could dance to Mordor
And bring back Frodo’s ring.
I am coming for you!
I envision your beautiful smile,
The way your laugh lines crease
And your dimples show.
The way you throw your head back with laughter;
Your joy had me at “hello.”
I can’t wait to run into your arms
Sewn with muscle, enhanced by lifting
Built for strength, yet softened by kissing.
I will tell you everything that I never could before.
I can’t wait for the look of surprise when you open the door.
Oh what shall I tell you?
What should I say?
And forgive these simple words,
For I know they sound cliché, but…
I can’t even start to explain
Why I love you so much.
It’s like a liquid fire inside
That can only be extinguished by your touch.
When I open my eyes and see your face,
My joy, I cannot hide,
My feelings, I can’t erase.
Each day I love you more and more,
As the pounding of my heart reveals
Out of my mouth comes unspoken words
I can no longer conceal.
I am coming for you!
My heart pounding so fast,
I can barely breathe
In and out…I count to ten
Over and over and over again.
My movements a blur,
Like I forgot how to drive.
I can’t crash and burn
I’ve never felt more alive.
I finally get to your place
And I stop…breathing
I really can’t …breathe.
It’s like I am choking on silent sobs
Of thunderclouds filled with paperweights
Every breath I take
And from my eyes
A tempest rains
Down my face
With teardrop chains.
Finally the wail of a hurt animal
Escapes from my cottonmouth lips.
Who was once my sun and stars,
Is now my lunar eclipse.
Please lightning strike my eyes
So I can no longer see.
He’s smiling and hugging and kissing her
And that girl is not me.
He never even knew I was there
Never knew I came for him.
I left what if behind
Only to think of what could have been.
(TOO BE CONTINUED…)