He sat down and I looked at his long blonde hair, blue eyes, tattooed skinny frame and I wanted him. I wanted him because deep down inside, I knew that he would never pick me…that we would never get far and that we would never be…anything more than that moment.
One thing lead to another…another text, another dinner, another kiss, another move that would make me more confused.
I left his place without a kiss, there were no further talks about a future date and I had that feeling that I would never see him again. I had already heard that silent, unspoken farewell before the door to his house had fully closed. That we ended before we really started…this was no surprise. What is surprising is that I actually cared. At the cusp of hello and goodbye, I started to “like” this most unlikely companion. He was “jagged”…the rough edge to my conservative, straight laced figure that I put out to the public. I started to imagine nights filled with mixed drinks, lazy cable watching and whether I could handle this mixture of a man that could leave me at a loss for words. I started to wonder whether his beautiful smile would be enough for me to want to pursue a life of unfamiliarity and whether I would let him lead me to the cliff that I needed to jump off of, to learn more about myself.
He was a man that could make me question where I stood. A man that could make me picture bike riding till the sun went down. A man who knew the exact spot to kiss on my neck until I moaned for more. A man who knew how to hold me without causing the fear of suffocation. A man who knew how to cook me breakfast without pleading for more of my time. A man who was carefree and content and who I wished would teach me how to be the same way.
Unfortunately, he let me go too easily. Unfortunately, I let him.
In the midst of ups and downs and male woes that I could write a 10 book series about…there is one man who still stands out among the rest. And after 27 years…he is still the best. My father is one of the strongest men out there. He left his family at the age of 19 years old, knowing that he may never see them again, to join a cause that he believed in…and that was to fight for his country. During that journey he met and fell in love with my mother, who was of a different tribe and spoke a different language…and won her over with his shy smile. And almost 29 years later…he is loving her still. He fathered 5 children…while working numerous jobs, learning English, and getting his degree.
My father is not the richest man…he is not the smartest man…he is not the strongest man…but he has taught me more about life, then the richest, smartest, or strongest man ever could.
He has taught me that you can start a new life with not a penny to your name. My father came to the United States with absolutely NO money and NO connections. He started working right away and made $5 a DAY!! He now owns his own home, car, put himself through community college, maintains a steady job, and still managed to put 3 children through higher education. If my father has achieved this much from so little…I know that money is not an obstacle unless you make it one.
He has taught me that knowledge is power and it’s the type of power that no one can take away from you. If you don’t have the knowledge, then you do what you need to do, to achieve that knowledge. My father may not have an architect’s degree, but he helped build his own home. He may not have a mechanic’s license, but my father knows how to fix everything from an oil filter change to spare parts. My father may not be an agricultural specialist, but his little garden grows everything that can be found at the grocery store. He may not have a linguistic degree, but he speaks 6 languages: Rade, Jarai, Vietnamese, French, English and Thai. And I could go on and on. I wonder how many people with PhD’s could compete with a man who holds knowledge as vast as my father’s.
He has taught me that strength is not found in height, muscle, or weight….it is found in the heart. I believe that the heart is the strongest muscle in the human body. It is the only thing that can break over and over again…and not only endures, but grows stronger afterward. He has seen his country fall, his comrades die, and lost his family and friends at a young age. But he has grown to love another country, made new friends, and been the father that he never had. I hope I inherited half the heart that my father has.
So HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to my Ama (father) and all the other father’s just like him!!
Ok…it’s no secret I have the worst luck in love. I am not qualified to tell you how to find “the one”…and even if I was qualified, you probably would not want to take my advice because I am slightly “unconventional”. But what I am qualified to help you out with, is to find out if the guy is NOT the one. Unfortunately, I have dated enough “no” men to make up my own rule book. And yes, believe it or not, all of these situations personally happened to me. So learn from my mistakes!!! If the guy you are dating or is interested in dating exhibits any of these characteristics….RUN THE OTHER WAY!!
Here are 11 signs that he is NOT the one for you (these are not in particular order of importance):
#1 He is not the one…if he “borrows” your lip gloss (but he actually has the intent of never returning it back to you). I know you are thinking…it’s just lip gloss…and I don’t want my man to walk around with chapped and cracked lips (this is what chapstick is for…or butter…or chicken grease). Well that’s what I used to think too…until one day he was standing next to me at Wal-Mart with glossy, glittery lips and I was really praying (and yes, sometimes I pray about superficial things like this) that no one I knew would recognize us. And after the lip gloss…he will start to borrow your Bath and Body Works, highly scented body lotion and body wash. And your feminine powder. And then you finally break up with him and next thing you know, you find out that he stole half of your lip glosses, used up half your bath products and stole replaced your favorite Jillian Micheals workout DVD with a Snoop Dog CD.
So don’t let him borrow your lip gloss or buy him any as a gift…unless you find this attractive…and if you do, more power to you and just ignore Rule #1.
#2 He is not the one…if he calls you by another woman’s name…unless you told him your name was Delicious or Cinnamon and he was dumb enough to believe you. Once I had breakfast with a man, after a romantic night spent together, and he looked me right in the eyes and called me “Amber.” That’s really a beautiful name, but it’s not mine. He apologized right away and said he had no idea where that came from, because he doesn’t even know anyone named Amber and besides Amber sounds kind of like my name…right. The next time we had sex, I “accidently” called him Dale.
#3 He is not the one…if he calls you 20 times a day “to check up on you” or follows you around town or comes over to your place UNINVITED all hours of the night/early morning. That is not cute…or sweet. Trust your gut…those are the habits of a stalker/psycho/paranoid freak…and none of those characteristics are ones that you want in your boyfriend/husband. Next thing you know, he will have your body chopped up in his freezer. And if you don’t trust your gut and continue to date him because, oh I don’t know, maybe you think he’s cute (most killers don’t look like Freddy Krueger by the way)…at least tell your friends or a trusted family member. That way if you come up missing, the police will know to check his basement first.
#4 He is not the one…if you cannot sleep with him. And NO, I don’t mean sexually. I mean if you literally, cannot sleep with him…because he snores like a bear in hibernation, or he talks in his sleep like a possessed demon, or his breath in your face smells like your dog passed gas, after you feed him beans…
Once I spent the night with a man who literally scared me half to death in his sleep. He spent half the night talking in his sleep. At one point he rolled over, rubbed my butt and said “Yo, Nicole has a nice ass.” Well, my name is not Nicole and I don’t know whether I was more upset that he was dreaming about some girl named Nicole or whether she was getting credit for how nice my ass felt. To make matters worse, he had a nightmare which caused his arms to flail around like he was the inflatable tube man. ..but worse…
I thought he was going to hit me in the head with his flailing arms and I was so afraid his eyes were going to turn red at any moment. I was as far away from him as I could be without falling off of the bed. Thankfully, the whole date was a nightmare, but his sleeping habits made it even easier for me to never see him again.
#5 He is not the one…if he goes down on you and you start thinking about all the dishes you have to wash in the sink, or how you have to clean up the bathroom, or all the groceries you have to buy. This also applies to kissing, cuddling, sex, etc. Those experiences should be so mind-blowing that your brain cannot find the mental capacity to think about anything else besides pleasure. Of course, you could always tell him that he needs to move slower/faster, be more gently/rough, etc. but if he is still not getting the picture after you let him “practice” some more on you…then you just have to accept the fact that he will never be able to please you sexually and you need to move on to another man who can.
#6 He is not the one…if he wakes up in the middle of the night to have sex with you and you have a dream that you are inserting a tampon into your vagina. Or you are giving him a hand job and it’s reminding you that you need to stop smoking cigarettes. You shouldn’t look at your tampon and think of your man’s dick and your period at the same time.
Besides why fuck a tampon when there are so many other options out there…like a banana.
#7 He is not the one…if he disrespects your family and/or friends. A man who wants to be a part of your life should know that your friends and family are important to you. It doesn’t mean that he has to like all of your friends or family (I mean not even you like all of them, all the time) but he has to have enough common sense to be civil and should not talk bad about them to you because this puts you in an uncomfortable position. Now unless a situation comes up where your friends or family really are in the wrong…I suggest that you re-evaluate your man to see whether or not he can really fit into your social circle. And if he doesn’t then you know what I say…”chicks before dicks.”
#8 He is not the one…if he lies to you. This applies to cheating too. And yes…lying about what and who he had dinner with is still a lie…and they only get bigger over time. Or if he thinks you are lying and cheating on him and constantly accuses you of this…it’s still NOT acceptable. This shows that there is no trust in the relationship. And if you really are lying and cheating on him, then why are you in the relationship anyways. Oh…it’s because he has some good dick?? Well honey, then he’s really just a fuck buddy that you disguised as a boyfriend. If that’s what you really want then go for it. Otherwise, stop wasting your time because in the end, those guys are usually just good for one thing…and that’s fucking…not just your body, but also good at fucking with your head, your heart, your time, etc.
#9 He is not the one…if he asks you what it feels like to be penetrated by a penis. And don’t even try to explain it to him…because it will never make sense, unless he’s had prior experience with men. And if he had prior experience with a man…he wouldn’t be asking you this question anyways. And then next thing you know…he is asking you to demonstrate the experience on him…with a cucumber (I guess it was the only thing that resembled a dick in the refrigerator at the time). And that just makes for a very awkward moment that you will want to forget about the rest of your life.
#10 He is not the one…if he calls you “stupid”, “fat”, “ugly”, “bitch”, “whore” or any other words that are meant to insult and hurt you (now if these words turn you on and he’s using them in a sexual situation, then this might be ok). A real man who truly cares about you will NEVER do this…no matter how angry you make him!! Actually he will be saying so many other positive things, so you don’t feel fat, ugly or stupid. Plus once he tells you that you are stupid, then you have to tell him what a dumbass he is as well…then he says you are fat, and then you have to tell him his breath smells like onions covered in mustard, left out in the hot sun for a week…then he says you are ugly, so you have to tell him what a small dick he really has …then he says you are a bitch, so you have to tell him that he was the worst experience you had in bed…then he says it’s because you are a whore, so then you confess to sleeping with his brother, who has a big dick and is amazing in bed. So you see…to avoid awkward conversations like this…that eventually end up very, very bad…and no amount of apologizing will fix it…just don’t tolerate it when a man calls you inappropriate names.
#11. And finally…he is not the one…if he throws a shoe at you. Or almost hits you but accidentally on purpose misses your face because he meant to scare you. Nothing funny to say about this situation. Walk away and never look back. Believe me, if you stay in this situation, the pain will only get worse and he will not change. And it isn’t your fault that he is a deranged, violent, unstable man with low self-esteem, who uses your heart as a punching bag because he really hates himself.
On that final note, remember…
NOW GO OUT AND DATE!!! WISHING YOU GOOD LUCK AND GOOD LOVING!!
The other day I received a text message from someone in my past, who I haven’t seen in years. His text reads: “I wish I could have been better for you…you don’t have to say anything…I thank you! You are one whom will always hold 1st place in my heart…I know you may think there are some that holds higher rank…but they are like dead leaves that have fallen from a rose bush that only had one rose and that was you. Thank you…please be good to whomever you may share your smile with…for he will be on top of this world.”
It is men like him, that make the pedestal of what makes my heart flutter, hard to reach. Now, I may have made myself seem like a disgruntled woman who hates all men. But that’s only true like 80% of the time. The other 20% of the time I love men…especially the good men out there, and the text above reminds me that there are still plenty of good men around, who deserve to be acknowledged.
Thanks to good men, like my own father, who worked 2-3 jobs so that he could provide for his family and put aside his own dreams so his children could pursue theirs.
Thanks to good men, like my brother, who love and raise children who are not their own.
Thanks to good men, who love the mother of their children, for one of the greatest acts of love you can show a child, is to truly love his/her mother.
Thanks to good men, who risk their lives every day in service to their country. They sacrifice time with their loved ones, so that you may know peace with yours.
Thanks to good men, who still know the power of good conversation. Thank you for checking up on me, laughing with me and debating with me…even if it cost you sleep the next day.
Thanks to good men, who remember that being a gentleman is more important than a flashy car, a thick wallet, and a pretentious job.
Thanks to good men, who still put thought and effort into a first date…and who would rather end the date by putting a smile on your face then by having sex on the first night.
Thanks to good men, who allow me to use them for food…so my stomach is always full and I don’t have to cook after a long day at work.
Thanks to good men, who allow me to use them for their cable, movies, free DVD’s and HBO. Because of them, I have no need to buy any of these things and I still get to watch Game of Thrones and the Knicks games…for free.
Thanks to good men, who make it not so bad to be a single girl living on her own…whether it’s by helping carry my groceries up to the third floor, fixing things around my place, putting up bookshelves for me, hanging my pictures in places I can’t reach…and most importantly, acting like they don’t mind doing me a favor.
Thanks to good men, who know the art of lovemaking…which does not necessarily start in the bedroom. It starts with a compliment, a good meal, a soft kiss, a foot rub, or a combination of all of these and then some.
Thanks to good men, who never forgets to tell his woman, how much he loves her and how she is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. A good man also knows to back these words up with actions that reiterate his love and her beauty.
Don’t forget to thank the good men in your life today!!