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Evaluation of Self: The Lonely Girl


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Where were you when I cried myself to sleep, when I felt the walls caving in and control melt away?

Where were you when memories haunted me and nightmares visited at night?

Where were you when my insomnia refused to give me peace and the whole world abandoned me to simmer in my own thoughts?

Isn’t it ironic, that in a world where everyone has a cell phone, no one is picking up my phone call.

Were you blinded by my surface smile

As I convinced you that I was dancing…and happy…and beautiful?

Were you deafened by my laughter

As I covered my fears…and anxiety…and sadness?

How people are so easily fooled when they see all the glitter and the gloss but never the undercoat colors with which I paint myself.

No matter how many friends I have,  

Or how big my family is,

Or who I am dating,

Or how many shoes I buy,

Or how many cookies I eat,

On a Saturday night, I am still the lonely girl.

The girl that used to eat lunch by herself, play with rocks in the sand instead of other people,

I am still the girl that was teased for my big glasses and home-made haircut and hand me down clothes.

I am still the girl that uses words to escape to a place where no one can hurt me, like when they said I was ugly.

There is still a part of me, that no one can touch

There is still a pain that no hug can heal

An ache that no amount of alcohol can ease

And no one will ever know how I really feel.

I feel like I have my head under water and I can’t breath but I refuse to drown.

I feel lost…just so utterly lost and I have no GPS, no map, not even a freaking compass, and I’m driving on this road alone.

I feel like I want to sleep my days away, the type of sleep that numbs your mind and your senses.

I feel like I want to shred every paper and trash every insignificant thing in my life.

I feel like it’s Christmas Day and I am the only one still waiting on my gift, that never comes.

I feel like an orphan and no matter how much you tell me you love me and want me, a part of me will never believe you.

I want to run away…from these walls…from these emotions…from these headaches,

I want to escape my life…and leave myself behind.

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