Blog Archives

There Was Her


For some people “will you marry me”

Is not a virgin term that escapes from their lips.

It serves to be only the tip

Of the matter that leads to disaster

And they wonder why, you wonder if

“I love you” is just a script

That seems so easily to drip from their lips.

For some people there is no “one and only”

Forever only you will hold me

Type falsities.

Forever and always is just a trick tease

That speeds up your heartbeat

And then passes by

Just like a quick breeze.

And they wonder why, you wonder if

This love for you will also soon cease.

There is that reality that before you

There was her.

There was laughing and kissing

And lovemaking

That had his toes curling

And ears ringing

And it was her name he was singing

With praises so high.

Her shadow follows your every move

From the way you cook to the way you clean

To the words you say and

How your actions may seem

To be like hers

Or maybe nothing like hers

If it suits his mood.

This may be a good or bad thing

Depending on memories it may allude

To

Like the times he missed her so much

He could have cried

Or the way her hair fell in waves

Before it dried into

The strands of joy that would caress his face

At night

In the same bed

That he invites you to share with him.

And in the quiet moments

I get to thinking

And all the ways he used to love her, sinks in

To my brain, my heart

And I can’t stop, once I start.

He used to kiss her lips with a fever

Erased all doubt from her mind

And made her a believer

Of his words, his touches…

And the ring on her finger

A memory that still lingers

In the box that I found near the bed

Leftovers from two people unwed.

And he wonders why, I wonder if

An ending between us could occur

When I don’t have to look far to see

That before me, there was her.

(c) 2013

 

Advertisements

Relationship Status


PicsArt_1362665109658

I had a blind date last night and I was praying to God the whole day that I would NOT have a good time. Why?? Because I was crazy about this other guy and I didn’t want any more confusion in my dating life, but at the same time I had to go on the blind date, otherwise I would be thinking “what if” the entire time.

I walked in 10 minutes late and there he was sitting at the bar. Damn, not only was I not stood up, he was there early. I went up gave him a hug and we moved to a table. I looked at him and made a mental scowl and thought, “Damn, I knew God was not going to listen to me.” The dude looked like he walked straight out of a J. Crew catalog, with his blonde hair, blue eyes and perfect straight, white teeth. I never did trust people with perfect straight, white teeth…that is so unnatural.

Right from the beginning the date was a slow disaster waiting to unravel. We sat down and he asked if I was looking forward to this date and I said, “No, I was actually hoping you were going to be ugly and boring…that was my prayer for today.” He just looked at me with that awkward pause playing in the background as the poor guy struggled to find the words to follow up my unexpected comment. In my head I’m like, “Fuck. Ksoranna is on this date and she is going to continue to say crazy things and embarrass me this whole time.” And sure enough, that is exactly what happened. At one point he said that I was being too “negative” and to stop offering him advice on his career path. I told him he had a shitty phone…he didn’t like that I insulted his iPhone very much. I told him that he needs to quit his job…he didn’t like that I insulted his career choice.  I told him that he needs to approach women more and not be scared of confrontation…he didn’t like that I called him out for being a pussy.

I actually thought he was going to get up and leave the table because we were going back and forth so much. This is so typically of 2 people who are both stubborn Taurus’. Why do I continue to date people with my horoscope…I don’t know if it’s a coincidence that we never seem to get along. I even warned him about my split personality disorder and he said that I was so weird and that fact was a little “creepy.” Yes, he actually used the word creepy to refer to Ksoranna. She was not too happy about that and was about to really give him a piece of her mind, but I had to calm her down. This was almost as bad as the date where the guy said on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being bat shit crazy, I was probably about a 6 or 7 and where one guy asked me if I was on any medication, to which I confidently responded to with a “yes and I don’t think it’s strong enough for me”. The only thing me and blind date dude agreed upon was religion…yay for the Catholic Church. I am glad he wants to marry in the Church though I feel sorry for whoever agrees to marry him. I have been single for about 3 years. This dude has been single since high school!! That is a definite red flag. He was soo incredible boring, and judgmental, and not funny in a douche bag kind of way. I told him that I wasn’t much of a people person and that I’m not really comfortable on dates and he responded, “yea I can see that.” When the check came he said there was a basketball game he was trying to catch. That is usually my line for why I am running to the door marked exit, so I knew there would definitely not be a 2nd date. Actually I knew it was over when he insulted my love of Jeremy Lin and said my panda bear earmuffs were childish!! How can you insult Jeremy Lin AND my panda bear earmuffs?! Well I missed a Houston Rockets game last night for nothing!!

Despite all that, I was glad I went on this date. As I was driving home, I realized how much I hate dating. It is usually so awkward and uncomfortable and there are only like 5% potentials and the rest of the 95% are made up of “hell no’s”, “probably gay”, “insecure”, or “friend zone material.” So it is really rare that I make a genuine connection with someone…and it is even rarer that the feelings are mutual. And I already had this connection with someone (let’s call him Home Depot) so why was I even entertaining other dates which would probably fall into the 95% category anyways. I feel like God always is testing me to see where my heart is at. For example there was this other guy…he was half Asian, tall, also a lawyer, also Catholic, unfortunately also a Taurus…basically had all the qualities on my list. And funny that God made him available to me after I met Home Depot. I’m not gonna lie, it made me hesitate for a little bit but then I realized who cares about the color of his skin or his height or his religion…I’ve never gotten along with any Asian Catholics anyways!! So I called up Home Depot and told him that I had to see him. Once I got there he asked me how my date went (yes, I am very honest and open with everyone I am dating) and I basically said, “it was uncomfortable and awkward and weird…don’t ever make me go on those dates again…I just want to be yours.” And that’s how the guy who didn’t fit any of my requisites snagged Ksoranna…oh and the fact that I actually like kissing him and he accepts my multiple personalities and Jeremy Lin love and all my guy friends and lizard man voice, doesn’t hurt either.

PicsArt_1362665056390

Dating me is like a roller coaster and not for the faint of heart…or as one of my best friends said “Only the strong survive!” It usually starts out unexpected and ends up being like the ocean…smooth sailing at times, sometimes beautiful and relaxing to be around, and then stormy and tumultuous on some days. I’m sure, this one will be no different.

I can’t promise Home Depot anything. Some days I may be passionate and affectionate, like Ksoranna, other days I may be in love with Jeremy Lin and my korean dramas, like Anna and other days I may be all about work and could care less about men, like Miss Esquire. All I know is that I finally found someone who I WANT to see and can’t get enough of. This feeling may last 2 weeks, 2 years or forever…but I am willing to take that chance. And for me…right now, this brings me happiness and that is enough.

 

 

 

The Opposite of Me


He sat down and I looked at his long blonde hair, blue eyes, tattooed skinny frame and I wanted him.  I wanted him because deep down inside, I knew that he would never pick me…that we would never get far and that we would never be…anything more than that moment.

One thing lead to another…another text, another dinner, another kiss, another move that would make me more confused.

I left his place without a kiss, there were no further talks about a future date and I had that feeling that I would never see him again. I had already heard that silent, unspoken farewell before the door to his house had fully closed. That we ended before we really started…this was no surprise. What is surprising is that I actually cared. At the cusp of hello and goodbye, I started to “like” this most unlikely companion. He was “jagged”…the rough edge to my conservative, straight laced figure that I put out to the public. I started to imagine nights filled with mixed drinks, lazy cable watching and whether I could handle this mixture of a man that could leave me at a loss for words. I started to wonder whether his beautiful smile would be enough for me to want to pursue a life of unfamiliarity and whether I would let him lead me to the cliff that I needed to jump off of, to learn more about myself.

He was a man that could make me question where I stood. A man that could make me picture bike riding till the sun went down. A man who knew the exact spot to kiss on my neck until I moaned for more.  A man who knew how to hold me without causing the fear of suffocation. A man who knew how to cook me breakfast without pleading for more of my time. A man who was carefree and content and who I wished would teach me how to be the same way.

Unfortunately, he let me go too easily. Unfortunately, I let him.

Thou Shall Not Aspire to be Cling Wrap


Ok…hopefully no one intentionally aspires to be cling wrap. It’s just one of those things that happens when sometimes the paths in life that we take…lead us to the wrong people. Instead of running the other way once we realize that they are not good for anything but lies, cheap thrills, and wasting our time…we somehow get “caught” or “stuck”…and just like cling wrap, it may take a few tries before we can finally peel ourselves off. If any of these pics apply to you and your “relationship”…then it may be a sign that you need to walk the other way… unless you aspire to be cling wrap.

We Kissed


 

Sometimes it seems as though you always run into certain people at certain places…whether it’s at the mall, the gym, or at Wal-Mart. For me and him, it was always the gas station. It’s moments like this when I wonder about the circumstance of coincidence or if there really is a thing such as fate.

We locked eyes and I immediately smiled. We had a brief summer fling before my first year of law school and have maintained a sense of mutual respect  ever sense.

“You look good!” he said. “You look different. You colored your hair…you lost some weight…”

I just smiled and said, “yes.”

He looked the same. Tall and lean. Jet black hair. Golden skin. The prettiest turquoise eyes I’ve ever seen.

“You look happy,” he said.

“I am,” I replied.

“Good for you,” he said, with a simple nod.

We just stood there, eyeing each other and smiling…both of us carrying silly little grins. Then we both just burst out laughing. Yea…it was one of those moments. I couldn’t remember the last time I was this at ease and giddy at the same time.

“Sorry,” he said. “Damn, you just look really good. I know I just said that like 5 times, but I don’t know what else to say.”

I blushed like a school girl.

After a few seconds of stalling, he looked off to the side and somberly said, “I’m getting married next month.”

“I know,” I said. “Congratulations.”

In those 60 seconds, the mood had changed. Before anything else could be said, I asked for a hug and said that I needed to be on my way. He came over to my car and gave me one of those intimate hugs, where you can feel every muscle and every breath he takes. There was no space between his chest and mine.

“It could’ve been you,” he said. Then he kissed me on the forehead, took a deep breath, released me, and walked to his car. It was like a scene from a movie. Out of all the movie scenes in the world, why was I stuck with this sad one.

In that split second, something came over me. It was like ksoranna took over…my ego that was irrational, emotionally driven and too brazen for her own good.

“Wait!” I yelled and ran to him…straight into his arms. Not only did he accept my embrace…he lifted me up to meet his face. Our lips met and we kissed.

In the middle of the gas station…me in my late 20s…he in his mid 30s…like high school sweethearts saying good-bye…we kissed. My arms wrapped around his neck, legs wrapped around his back…his arms holding me steady…we kissed. Unaware of the stares, unaware of the heat, unaware of the time and place…we kissed. Like the memory of his lips hadn’t been absent from mine, for the last 6 years…we kissed.

As suddenly as it started, it stopped. He gently held me as I rested my head in the crook of his neck, one last time. The look on his face, once he released me…was it anguish, regret, guilt??

“Do me a favor,” he stated. “Please delete me from your Facebook and erase my number.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Because I can’t bear to do it and you are stronger than me,” he said.

A few seconds later…the exchange of “good-byes” and “take cares.” I knew that the next time I saw him, if I even would see him again, he would be a married man.

I drove off. “It could’ve have been you” repeated over and over in my head. I don’t know what I felt. It wasn’t guilt…it wasn’t even sadness. More like that dreadful acceptance that everyone else around me was moving on and starting new lives and new families…while I was still stuck in park.

I pulled my car over to the side of the road and like another sad movie scene, I put my head in my hands and cried.

Until the Next Time…Good-bye for Now


NOTE TO ANY MAN I DATE IN THE FUTURE: You must be willing to leave your uneaten food at the table, walk to the car parked a few blocks away, to go get your phone charger, so that you can take pictures of me, if that is my desire. Yes…my pedestal for what I expect out of my future man has risen even higher! But don’t blame me…blame him.

The him that causes me to smile that comfortable, easy smile, shared between friends and past lovers. The him that can pull off a hot pink dress shirt, brown slacks, and brown and pink matching socks to complete the outfit. He looked good.

We argued on the way to the restaurant because he was late, had no idea where he was going, and I was hungry. After 7 years, some things never change. We talked, we laughed, we took pictures and teased each other about who was the more conceited one out of the two of us. After looking through the pics on his phone, the evidence was clear that it was him.

We don’t always get along and barely agree on anything, but for some reason we have remained in each other’s lives, despite a short-lived romance that was more down than up. We don’t have much in common, don’t share the same circle of friends, and haven’t even made time to see each other, yet for some reason I know his number will never be deleted from my phone. My friends sometimes wonder why I put up with his snarky remarks and uncensored comments. It’s for the same reason I still am close with my high school friends, still keep in touch with folks from college…I like having someone in my life who can appreciate the woman I have become, because they once knew the girl I was. He is one of the few guys out there, who knows how I voted during the presidential election of 2004, who knows what I looked like in pictures that I have long since deleted from Facebook, and who will proudly acknowledge my success because he once helped me complete homework assignments.

He has a good head on his shoulder and a good heart. Someday he will learn to love a woman who will put up with his weird disdain for water, Michael Jackson obsession, and conceited mirror loving ways.  If they are blessed enough to have children, he will be the most devoted and loving father. That wife and mother won’t be me…but it was nice to know, that at one time it could have been.

We haven’t spoken since that dinner and he is moving to Atlanta, Georgia…this time for the right reasons. If our history is any indication, it will be months, maybe years before we speak or ever see each other again. But the last text he sent me said, “If my wife doesn’t mind, you will be invited to my wedding.” I will take that, as an early invitation. Until then, good-bye for now and take care.

She Let Go


The following words were forwarded to me by one of my best friends. Unfortunately, I don’t know who the original author is, so I can’t give credit where credit is due, but it seems like someone read my mind and decided to write out my thoughts for me. Everyone goes through a period in their lives, where they hold on to things…whether it’s a past love, past pain, past memories, past happiness… And everyone goes through another period in their lives, where they are trying to let go. Some people succeed and some people never really do… So this is for everyone out there still learning to let go and I hope it gives you that extra strength. Speaking from personal experience…letting go, really is the best gift you can give yourself. I haven’t looked back since and I can honestly say, this is the happiest I have been in a very long time!

Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of fear.

She let go of judgments. 

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
… She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice.

She didn’t read a book on how to let go.
She just let go.
She let go of all the memories that held her back.

She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations

about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.

She made no public announcement.

She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.

She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.

She didn’t utter one word.
She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.

There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.

No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort.

There was no struggle. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face.

A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
Here’s to giving ourselves the gift of letting go…

 

 

Every Hot Shower Should Come with Steamy Sex (Part 1)


***THIS MATERIAL IS NOT SUITABLE FOR READERS UNDER 18. IF YOU ARE A PERSON SENSITIVE TO SEXUAL MATERIAL, THEN THIS POST IS NOT FOR YOU EITHER. PLEASE CLOSE OUT OF THIS BROWSER. THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.***

The water is cascading down my hair and all over my body. Then a slight breeze tickles my nipples and they respond with hardened tips. I know he is there. He doesn’t have to say a word. I can feel his eyes watching me as I shower.  My eyes remain closed as I rinse off my shampoo, along with all the stress and dirt from a busy day.

“J, is that you?” I ask.

“Who else would be watching you take a shower?” he jokingly replies back.

I finally open my eyes…just in time to see him slip off his black boxer briefs and step into the standing shower with me.  Damn, he is a sight to behold…especially when his lean, 6’3” frame is standing in front of you naked. I step backwards to allow the shower head to spray him with droplets that do nothing but accentuate his strong shoulders, glisten off of his arms and trickle down his chest. I try not to watch the droplets that are traveling via his chest…because then my eyes will be drawn down to his penis…and oh, what a pretty penis it is. It’s the same sunny, almond color as the rest of his body…a good 7.5 to 8 inches depending on the time and day…and super thick. It’s the type of dick you want to conquer with your mouth…and your pussy. He doesn’t even have to “man-scape” since he barely has any hair surrounding his cock…and what little he has is like an arrow pointing to his prize possession. Well it’s actually more like my prize possession. He could care less about the size of his dick…and is as humble about it, as he is with everything else in his life.

A splash of water hits my face and I am shaken out of my reverie.

“What are you daydreaming about there, pretty girl? It better not be about another man.” J laughs. He knows that I have eyes only for him.

“And what if I was?” I retort back as I “try” to tickle him. I say “try” because J declares that he is not ticklish…even when he clearly squirms every time my fingers tickle his sides.

“Stop, I told you I’m not ticklish,” J says…of course all the while trying to fight back laughter and squirming like a wiggle worm from side to side. He then easily picks my 4’10” frame and places me against the shower wall, as I wrap my legs around his back. He showers my face and neck with little pecks as I giggle with delight and try to not get water into my eyes.

“Did you miss me today?” I ask.

“Umm…naw, not really he says,” while shaking his head no. “I can think of 10 other places I would rather be right now, instead of showering naked with you…like being in a gym with a bunch of sweaty, smelly men,” he teases.

I laugh out loud. We have grown to love and understand each other’s sense of sarcastic humor. I know how to read through his sarcasm to realize that the most important things out of his mouth, are what he does not say.

I kiss him on the lips. What started as an innocent peck, turns into an instant hunger. His arms grip around me tighter, as he presses me even harder against the wall. My arms are around his neck as our lips melt into one and my tongue searches out his. I suck on his bottom lip and a moan escapes from deep in his throat. I can feel him harden in between my open and parted legs. We haven’t seen each other in a few weeks and the time apart has only made our kisses even more intense and our carnal desires even harder to fight. I miss him terrible and my heart and body just won’t let me pull away from his kisses. Finally he stops and wills himself to pull away. I don’t know how he does it, but J has always had more willpower than me.

“Whew, baby,” he says, while catching his breath. “We’ve got to stop before I lose all self-control in the shower.”

He gently lowers me back down. I had already finished washing myself up but I grabbed our two bath sponges and poured body wash into both…one for him and one for me…so that we could wash each other down.  We have this routine of washing each other’s bodies and it is a habit I love.

I turn my back to him so he can scrub me down…first my back, then my neck. Then he gets on his knees and I like being the taller one at the moment. He gently places pecks all over my butt cheeks and I just sigh in contentment. I place my hands on the shower wall for support and arch my back towards him… silently begging him not to stop. He then scrubs down my legs and even the soles of my feet. J is such a detailed person. Then he spins me around to face him. I start washing his chest…his shoulders…his neck…then the back of him. His face is serious and his eyes are zoomed in on my breasts. My breasts are not too big…not too small…at a 34 C and very round…they are just right for J. He loves my breasts…he is totally a breasts man. I want him to just grab them and put them in his mouth…and suck…and lick…and nibble…until I can’t stand it anymore. But he doesn’t. He simply places little soft pecks everywhere as he is still gently scrubbing my lower back and butt. Gosh… I wish he didn’t have such restraint. He unintentionally makes me feel like a nympho sometimes.

“Baby, please…” I say.

“Shhh…I just want to take it slow. Let me enjoy this view. I just want to wash you up right now.”

He is such a tease and he knows it. Or maybe he’s really a sweetheart…and I’m just really a horny mess right now.

Then J suddenly puts his mouth over my left breast and I moan instantly. His hands are all over my ass…palming my round butt checks, like they are his favorite pair of basketballs. I lean myself closer to him and hold onto the back of his head. The shower is hitting my back…this feels like a dream…a wet dream. His hands slowly move from my butt to my hips. Then he slightly parts my legs with one of his hands and slides it in between my thighs. He places his thumb on my happy bump and uses his other four fingers to lightly trace the outside of my pussy lips. He has barely touched my pleasure zone and I am already gasping for air. I start panting and moaning as his fingers continues to search me. It feels so good I can barely keep my knees from collapsing. I don’t want him to stop…but he does.

“K, let’s finish showering so we can go to the bedroom. I want to lay you down.”

So typical of J…his favorite place to have sex is in bed. I was actually hoping he would try something different tonight, but I guess not.

“Wait J, I haven’t finished cleaning you up. Stand up, so I can get your legs.”

When he stands up, I can barely concentrate. I am scrubbing him down…moving the bath sponge up and down his long legs…my pussy is throbbing…and his beautiful dick is in my face. I can’t take it anymore…I want that thing in my mouth! He feels me reach for it and he tries to push my hands away.

“Baby, not here. I really want to get out of here. The water is getting cold anyways.”

I ignore him. He’s a man…he doesn’t know what he wants half the time anyways. But I know what I want. I want to taste him with the cool water hitting my back. I want him to just lose control, relax and release himself onto me. ..and then let the water clean us off. So I ignore what his mouth is saying …and listen to his dick. Because his dick clearly wants me to suck it. It has grown hard in my hands again.

Before he can protest again, I grab the base of his dick and guide the rest of it into my mouth. A moan escapes his lips. He gives in to me…finally. He braces himself against the wall and leans his head back…eyes closed. I take my tongue and trace from the base of his dick to the tip…slowly. Then I use my tongue to draw circles around the head…over and over again. He can barely contain himself…with all types of moans and half spoken profanity coming out of his mouth. My lips form a tight grip around the head of his dick and I slowly suck…moving my head back and forth…and taking him deeper and deeper with each head nod. His hands are tangled in my hair…he starts controlling my head…causing me to take him even deeper…even faster.  I have to use my hands to slow his movements. His dick is so big, it keeps hitting the back of my throat and I am trying to fight my gag reflex. My eyes are starting to water. Gosh…K, keep it together. Just breathe in through your nose. I don’t want him to stop….I can’t tell him to slow down…otherwise he may never let himself lose control like this again. I attempt to maintain it…to regain control of the stroke. I start moaning as I continue to work my mouth and lips up and down his shaft.

“Oh shit, I’m starting to feel it. Oh shit…don’t stop. Go crazy on the top of my dick. Baby I’m about to cum…”

I can feel his legs start to shake and his dick starting to tense up. I lean my head back, with my mouth open and tongue out. He knows what to do. He takes over where my hands used to be and aims for my mouth. I hear him say “fuck” before I feel his seeds spill all over me. He seeds are showering down on my tongue, my chin, dripping down my neck…while the cool water is plastering my back. He’s been holding it for weeks and the buildup is evident all over me. He finally finishes unloading himself and sighs with relief.

He looks down at me and says, “Baby, are you ok? I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“No, of course not, I love sucking you off and I love the way you taste,” I say, as I gently clean his tender and now shrunken dick. I then finish rinsing myself, along with what remains of J, off of my skin. Finally I turn the water off.

He hugs me tenderly. “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” he says, in between pecks all over my checks. “That was awesome. You are awesome.”

I smile to myself. I love pleasing him. I love the warm afterglow I get when I see him so satisfied…and so happy. After every time he cums, he gets this cheesy smile…you know, the ones where his dimples show…and I love knowing that I am the reason behind it.

He grabs a towel and wraps it around his waist. Then he grabs a towel for me and slowly dries me off. I look into his face…and he is still smiling…hard, like a camel…LOL.

“Wait, are you laughing at me?”

“Hahahaha, yes. Don’t ask me why…”

“Why are you laughing at me?! I’m not doing anything but drying you off.”

I laugh even harder, barely able to contain myself. “Hahahaha….omg…sorry. I was imagining you looking like a camel.”

At that comment, he picks me up off the floor and carries me out of the bathroom…with me still squealing and laughing in his arms.

TO BE CONTINUED…

 

That Thin Line


Damn it, he saw me. I’ve been avoiding his gaze for at least 2 weeks now…and I think he knows it. He somehow senses that my absence from his evening cigarette reveries… is not by accident. He invites me over and I decline and he does not push it, like he usually would. My conversation is less revealing and my body language steers me towards my own front door…instead of his. There has been a change and he wants to say something…to justify it…to correct it, but he has not done anything wrong to begin with. And I know this…and he knows this. He will not be able to bring me back to a state of openness, late night laughter, and secret whispers…and this permanence slightly dents my heart.

There are things he wants to tell me but there are questions that I refuse to ask…so for the first time in our short acquaintance, there is that awkward silence. My eyes gaze into his and I choke on my own thoughts of wondering who she was. All it took was a glance, to see that the skinny, pale, blond girl, was everything I am not…and that secretly makes me glad. As she shakes my hand, I glance down at her barely there breasts and I wonder if she knows how his eyes water and mouth begs for a glimpse of mine. I see how her pale skin has not been kissed by the sun and I wonder if she knows how he marvels at my golden tone, whether it’s under the night sky…by candlelight…or being lit by television sitcom rays. And her hair…her thin, stringy, blonde hair…it will never do, for he likes to entwine his hands in my thick, dark locks and bury his face in its scent until it lulls him to sleep.

I haven’t seen her again…but I know she will be one of many. Just like he has seen male visitors, though they are few and far between, and noted that their skin was darker than his, their girth twice his size, and their voice missing that country twang that distinguishes his. Sometimes the line between what we want right now and what we usually prefer, is as different as night and day.

He misses me, I can tell because his words give him away. He notices my early mornings, my late nights, my flowers blooming and even my wind chime, that does not chime. Its silence reflects my heart when I decided that we can no longer cross that thin line between mine and his. No more sunburn ointments, no more stormy night reassurances, no more grocery bag favors, no more bottle opener borrowings…no more going that extra mile for no other reason except for the pleasure of seeing the other pleased. The fact that I have reduced us to two pleasant strangers passing within an arm’s length away…saddens me. But this is how it must be.

Tonight, he asked if I had any more groceries and if I needed help carrying them up. Some lies have a purpose, so I lied and said no. He somehow senses that my absence from his evening cigarette reveries… is not by accident…and I just confirmed it.

When the Past Calls…Send it to Voicemail


They say, when the past calls, send it to voicemail…and I did. I really did. But that did not stop the jolt of emotion that ran from my phone through my hands, up my arms and into my heart.

They say, some people come into your life for a season…or for a reason. You were a lesson… like a hope for more, that never happened.

I went to salsa night to dance my cares away…and tried to dance you out of my system in hopes that you would seep out of me like the sweat that collected on my forehead. I tried to lose myself in the drums in hopes that they would drown out the sound of my pounding heart…but they didn’t.

I met men who made love to me with their eyes and with mouths…that formed words which made the English language sound more beautiful than it was ever meant to sound. But still…it did not erase the sound of yours. That voicemail lingered in the back of my head. Your voiced called to me like a flower searching for a ray of sun on a cloudy day. So I finally listened. You still sound as sexy as ever. I should delete your voicemail so I can erase the chains that I have allowed you to construct around me. I tried. I really tried, but I could not bring myself to do it…just yet. Maybe tomorrow…or next week…I will be ready to erase the sound of deep, rich caramel dripping into my ear.

But at least I didn’t call you back…hooray for small victories. I tell myself I am saving your voice for a rainy day…because I know there will be plenty of those to come. And on lonely nights when my fingers are itching to dial your number…I will just call my voicemail instead. And one day…I don’t know when…but I know it will be soon…your calls will no longer be like gravity pulling me into the past.