To say that January has not been my month, would be an understatement. I have not been blogging because I’ve been in such angry, sad, and lonely moods that I didn’t want to unload all my negativity onto this blog…but I guess if I can’t rant here, then where else do I have to go. While my New Year’s Eve has been great…the rest of January quickly unraveled around me. My youngest sister had to be hospitalized in a mental health clinic for a week so that she wouldn’t commit suicide, I lost my job for about a week and it made me question where I was going with my life, my mother quit her job and now my family’s financial situation has been really stressful…and this is just the big stuff.
My fuse has been really, really short and unfortunately my closest friends and family had to deal with my wrath. I have been walking around like a ticking time bomb, ready to explode at everyone and everything. During tough times, you realize who your friends are, who is there for you…and who is not. I absolutely do not tolerate gay jokes. There are so many people out here who suffer because of their sexual orientation, who are told their love is wrong or that they are going to hell or are constantly bullied. The idea of losing my youngest sister to such senseless hate…the feeling of anger that it caused inside of me is indescribable. You also realize how selfish some people are and unfortunately sometimes those people are family. My sister’s medical bills are in the THOUSANDS of dollars and of course health insurance doesn’t cover 100%. You think my other siblings would come together to help, especially with my mother not working and my father being forced to work overtime, in his frail state. But NO…it is “not her responsibility” were her exact words to me. What do you mean it’s not your responsibility?! They are your parents!! I swear she is the most selfish person I know!! Did I mention she lives at home for FREE!!! So of course, me being the oldest…the one who is already more than $100,000 in debt, the one who lost the job, the one who has expenses out the ass…I will be the one to shoulder everyone’s burden. Well I don’t get angry often and I have a habit of holding my emotions inside…but the dam has been broken. It seems like everyone, from friends to family, have had something they want to say to me. I am fucking stressed and holding my tongue in cheek is now a thing of the past. Unfortunately, my anger has been unleashed on some of the people that I love. My apologies for that. I value the friendships that I have and I love my siblings…they know my true heart and hopefully all will be forgiven.
Now on top of all of this…I am dealing with relationship type issues. I love my friends who have known me for 20+ years…I will push my pride and stubbornness aside for them. I love my siblings and they know despite my angry words, I would do anything for them. Now what I won’t fucking tolerate is a man…I don’t give a shit who you are or how long I’ve known you. If things between me and you don’t work out…it sucks, but get the fuck over it. Don’t go around Facebook, posting shit on your wall about me and think that I am going to let it slide.
Wow…really?! I am like a “genocide“….women like me “will ruin your fuckin’ life” and I “shit inside of your heart“?! Seriously…I didn’t know that I had the power to do all of that. If that was the case, I would have tried to take over the world by now…one man at a time!! And I don’t care if you didn’t put my name on that post or link it to my wall…all of our friends know it was a personal attack at me!! What the hell did I do to you?! You make it seem like we were together for 2 years and I cheated on you or I killed your unborn baby or I shot your mother. The reality is, I told you I liked you…it lasted a WEEK…and then I said we were better off as friends because little did I know that you were a freaking psycho!! You didn’t even take me out on ONE freaking date!! Nothing happened between us…it was only a freaking week!! I asked for an apology because that is the least you could say to me after I had to put up with all your hateful emails and drunken messages about how you blame me for all the sorrows in your life.
Now I hate to put you on blast…but you are just ridiculous!! Now that was just the first paragraph to like a 2 page letter, where he proceeds to tell me what a horrible person I am and how much pain I caused him. And this is not the first time. I’ve had to deal with his constant blame game for almost 2 weeks now!! So being the immature, angry adult that I am right now…I decided to respond by a Facebook wall status, because that is how angry people in this Facebook era, communicate with each other.
And this fool had the nerve to write on my wall and then proceeded to call me an asshole!! Has this man lost his fucking mind?! Does he not know the meaning of “don’t talk to me anymore”….does he really want a piece of my wrath right now?! To make matters worse…this fucking fool works with me. The only good thing about being out of work was the fact that I didn’t have to look at his face all day. I am trying to remind myself that I am an obedient law-abiding citizen. That I don’t want to fuck up my career by driving to his house and breaking his shit and fucking up his car and really showing him how much of an asshole I can be. I swear he better not say one fucking word to me tomorrow at work…he better not even look in my direction…if he sees me walk to his side of the room, he better walk the other way. I may need to call in sick tomorrow. I know my position at work is already in jeopardy because I can’t seem to make it into the office till noon everyday…but I don’t think a cuss out war between me and another attorney will look good on my resume.
Tomorrow is a new day and thankfully a new month. I really hope that February treats me better than January did. In the meantime, I hope no one else says anything crazy to me. I hope I can control my temper. I don’t know what’s wrong with me…maybe I need to eat more chocolate or get a massage or go on vacation or get a really big dildo or something. I’ll stop my ranting for now…thanks for listening to me. And don’t worry, soon I will return with some erotic poetry or funny stories. Maybe I’ll go on some dates and write about my dating chronicles…but for some reason men are scared of me. I have no idea why…it’s so obvious that I am completely stable and perfectly normal. I don’t know why they would think that I am a bit crazy or have like a slight personality disorder…hmmm…