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When the Past Calls…Send it to Voicemail


They say, when the past calls, send it to voicemail…and I did. I really did. But that did not stop the jolt of emotion that ran from my phone through my hands, up my arms and into my heart.

They say, some people come into your life for a season…or for a reason. You were a lesson… like a hope for more, that never happened.

I went to salsa night to dance my cares away…and tried to dance you out of my system in hopes that you would seep out of me like the sweat that collected on my forehead. I tried to lose myself in the drums in hopes that they would drown out the sound of my pounding heart…but they didn’t.

I met men who made love to me with their eyes and with mouths…that formed words which made the English language sound more beautiful than it was ever meant to sound. But still…it did not erase the sound of yours. That voicemail lingered in the back of my head. Your voiced called to me like a flower searching for a ray of sun on a cloudy day. So I finally listened. You still sound as sexy as ever. I should delete your voicemail so I can erase the chains that I have allowed you to construct around me. I tried. I really tried, but I could not bring myself to do it…just yet. Maybe tomorrow…or next week…I will be ready to erase the sound of deep, rich caramel dripping into my ear.

But at least I didn’t call you back…hooray for small victories. I tell myself I am saving your voice for a rainy day…because I know there will be plenty of those to come. And on lonely nights when my fingers are itching to dial your number…I will just call my voicemail instead. And one day…I don’t know when…but I know it will be soon…your calls will no longer be like gravity pulling me into the past.

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11 Signs He is NOT the One!!


Ok…it’s no secret I have the worst luck in love. I am not qualified to tell you how to find “the one”…and even if I was qualified, you probably would not want to take my advice because I am slightly “unconventional”. But what I am qualified to help you out with, is to find out if the guy is NOT the one. Unfortunately, I have dated enough “no” men to make up my own rule book. And yes, believe it or not, all of these situations personally happened to me. So learn from my mistakes!!! If the guy you are dating or is interested in dating exhibits any of these characteristics….RUN THE OTHER WAY!!

Here are 11 signs that he is NOT the one for you (these are not in particular order of importance):

#1 He is not the one…if he “borrows” your lip gloss (but he actually has the intent of never returning it back to you). I know you are thinking…it’s just lip gloss…and I don’t want my man to walk around with chapped and cracked lips (this is what chapstick is for…or butter…or chicken grease). Well that’s what I used to think too…until one day he was standing next to me at Wal-Mart with glossy, glittery lips and I was really praying (and yes, sometimes I pray about superficial things like this) that no one I knew would recognize us. And after the lip gloss…he will start to borrow your Bath and Body Works, highly scented body lotion and body wash. And your feminine powder. And then you finally break up with him and next thing you know, you find out that he stole half of your lip glosses, used up half your bath products and stole replaced your favorite Jillian Micheals workout DVD with a Snoop Dog CD.

So don’t let him borrow your lip gloss or buy him any as a gift…unless you find this attractive…and if you do, more power to you and just ignore Rule #1.

#2 He is not the one…if he calls you by another woman’s name…unless you told him your name was Delicious or Cinnamon and he was dumb enough to believe you. Once I had breakfast with a man, after a romantic night spent together, and he looked me right in the eyes and called me “Amber.” That’s really a beautiful name, but it’s not mine. He apologized right away and said he had no idea where that came from, because he doesn’t even know anyone named Amber and besides Amber sounds kind of like my name…right. The next time we had sex, I “accidently” called him Dale.

#3 He is not the one…if he calls you 20 times a day “to check up on you” or follows you around town or comes over to your place UNINVITED all hours of the night/early morning. That is not cute…or sweet. Trust your gut…those are the habits of a stalker/psycho/paranoid freak…and none of those characteristics are ones that you want in your boyfriend/husband. Next thing you know, he will have your body chopped up in his freezer. And if you don’t trust your gut and continue to date him because, oh I don’t know, maybe you think he’s cute (most killers don’t look like Freddy Krueger by the way)…at least tell your friends or a trusted family member. That way if you come up missing, the police will know to check his basement first.

#4 He is not the one…if you cannot sleep with him. And NO, I don’t mean sexually. I mean if you literally, cannot sleep with him…because he snores like a bear in hibernation, or he talks in his sleep like a possessed demon, or his breath in your face smells like your dog passed gas, after you feed him beans…

 

Once I spent the night with a man who literally scared me half to death in his sleep. He spent half the night talking in his sleep. At one point he rolled over, rubbed my butt and said “Yo, Nicole has a nice ass.” Well, my name is not Nicole and I don’t know whether I was more upset that he was dreaming about some girl named Nicole or whether she was getting credit for how nice my ass felt. To make matters worse, he had a nightmare which caused his arms to flail around like he was the inflatable tube man. ..but worse…

I thought he was going to hit me in the head with his flailing arms and I was so afraid his eyes were going to turn red at any moment. I was as far away from him as I could be without falling off of the bed. Thankfully, the whole date was a nightmare, but his sleeping habits made it even easier for me to never see him again.

#5 He is not the one…if he goes down on you and you start thinking about all the dishes you have to wash in the sink, or how you have to clean up the bathroom, or all the groceries you have to buy. This also applies to kissing, cuddling, sex, etc. Those experiences should be so mind-blowing that your brain cannot find the mental capacity to think about anything else besides pleasure. Of course, you could always tell him that he needs to move slower/faster, be more gently/rough, etc. but if he is still not getting the picture after you let him “practice” some more on you…then you just have to accept the fact that he will never be able to please you sexually and you need to move on to another man who can.

#6 He is not the one…if he wakes up in the middle of the night to have sex with you and you have a dream that you are inserting a tampon into your vagina. Or you are giving him a hand job and it’s reminding you that you need to stop smoking cigarettes. You shouldn’t look at your tampon and think of your man’s dick and your period at the same time.

Besides why fuck a tampon when there are so many other options out there…like a banana.

#7 He is not the one…if he disrespects your family and/or friends. A man who wants to be a part of your life should know that your friends and family are important to you. It doesn’t mean that he has to like all of your friends or family (I mean not even you like all of them, all the time) but he has to have enough common sense to be civil and should not talk bad about them to you because this puts you in an uncomfortable position. Now unless a situation comes up where your friends or family really are in the wrong…I suggest that you re-evaluate your man to see whether or not he can really fit into your social circle. And if he doesn’t then you know what I say…”chicks before dicks.”

#8 He is not the one…if he lies to you. This applies to cheating too. And yes…lying about what and who he had dinner with is still a lie…and they only get bigger over time. Or if he thinks you are lying and cheating on him and constantly accuses you of this…it’s still NOT acceptable.  This shows that there is no trust in the relationship. And if you really are lying and cheating on him, then why are you in the relationship anyways.  Oh…it’s because he has some good dick?? Well honey, then he’s really just a fuck buddy that you disguised as a boyfriend. If that’s what you really want then go for it. Otherwise, stop wasting your time because in the end, those guys are usually just good for one thing…and that’s fucking…not just your body, but also good at fucking with your head, your heart, your time, etc.

#9 He is not the one…if he asks you what it feels like to be penetrated by a penis. And don’t even try to explain it to him…because it will never make sense, unless he’s had prior experience with men. And if he had prior experience with a man…he wouldn’t be asking you this question anyways. And then next thing you know…he is asking you to demonstrate the experience on him…with a cucumber (I guess it was the only thing that resembled a dick in the refrigerator at the time). And that just makes for a very awkward moment that you will want to forget about the rest of your life.

 

#10 He is not the one…if he calls you “stupid”, “fat”, “ugly”, “bitch”, “whore” or any other words that are meant to insult and hurt you (now if these words turn you on and he’s using them in a sexual situation, then this might be ok). A real man who truly cares about you will NEVER do this…no matter how angry you make him!! Actually he will be saying so many other positive things, so you don’t feel fat, ugly or stupid. Plus once he tells you that you are stupid, then you have to tell him what a dumbass he is as well…then he says you are fat, and then you have to tell him his breath smells like onions covered in mustard, left out in the hot sun for a week…then he says you are ugly, so you have to tell him what a small dick he really has …then he says you are a bitch, so you have to tell him that he was the worst experience you had in bed…then he  says it’s because you are a whore, so then you confess to sleeping with his brother, who has a big dick and is amazing in bed. So you see…to avoid awkward conversations like this…that eventually end up very, very bad…and no amount of apologizing will fix it…just don’t tolerate it when a man calls you inappropriate names.

#11.  And finally…he is not the one…if he throws a shoe at you. Or almost hits you but accidentally on purpose misses your face because he meant to scare you. Nothing funny to say about this situation. Walk away and never look back. Believe me, if you stay in this situation, the pain will only get worse and he will not change. And it isn’t your fault that he is a deranged, violent, unstable  man with low self-esteem, who uses your heart as a punching bag because he really hates himself.

On that final note, remember…

NOW GO OUT AND DATE!!! WISHING YOU GOOD LUCK AND GOOD LOVING!!