Category Archives: Love Out Loud
LOVE AFTER LOVE (Derek Walcott)
“The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life. (emphasis added)“
Hello again my dear friends. I wanted to introduce you to one of my favorite poems, “Love After Love”, by Derek Walcott. It has been a long time since we last communicated and in the last 4 years, I have been busy greeting myself at my own front door, over and over again.
Truly greeting yourself, and deciding to love the deeps depths of your physical being and all the colors of your soul, is not easy. If it were, there wouldn’t be so many self-help books and Instagram quotes about it. A few years ago I was dealing with a lot of personal struggles and when I came across this poem, it inspired me to really love myself, really love my life and somehow obtain a level of happiness that I wasn’t sure even existed. I didn’t know how to even start. I saw this poem as an internal goal that I would probably never come close to achieving but something I still hoped for.
The timing was never “the right time” to fully feast on my life. I thought I needed to grow professionally, build on my life goals, strengthen my close relationships, work on a healthier body, and learn to forgive past pains. Don’t make the same mistake I did, as I have spent years waiting for the right time to fully embrace myself, my life, my love, and my happiness. It took me creating life and finally experiencing unconditional love for another being to realize that it was possible to have that same unconditional love for myself. Me, loving myself unconditionally, is still a project I am working on but the time has come where I can finally greet myself with elation. I feel more beautiful, more vibrant, more alive, more significant than I have ever felt before. After years of always hungering for more, today I am feasting on my life.
If you are waiting for the right time, I challenge you to greet yourself every morning, as sometimes the minutes in-between each sunrise can minimize your strengths, make you question your values, re-examine your relationships…still feast on your life. Know that you can continue to grow professionally, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally while loving yourself without any conditions and limits. Welcome both the changes and constants in your life. Praise yourself like you would your best friend. Forgive yourself like you would a close family member, who would never apologize for any wrongdoing, but you forgive anyways. Little by little, time after time, take back the pieces of your heart, whether you had given them to an unappreciating lover, unapologetic relationship, unfulfilling job, materialism, or a higher presence that left you empty. Return the pieces of your heart to yourself, for you are most deserving of your unconditional love. And one day, I hope you greet yourself with elation and feast on your life until your heart is full.
For some people “will you marry me”
Is not a virgin term that escapes from their lips.
It serves to be only the tip
Of the matter that leads to disaster
And they wonder why, you wonder if
“I love you” is just a script
That seems so easily to drip from their lips.
For some people there is no “one and only”
Forever only you will hold me
Forever and always is just a trick tease
That speeds up your heartbeat
And then passes by
Just like a quick breeze.
And they wonder why, you wonder if
This love for you will also soon cease.
There is that reality that before you
There was her.
There was laughing and kissing
That had his toes curling
And ears ringing
And it was her name he was singing
With praises so high.
Her shadow follows your every move
From the way you cook to the way you clean
To the words you say and
How your actions may seem
To be like hers
Or maybe nothing like hers
If it suits his mood.
This may be a good or bad thing
Depending on memories it may allude
Like the times he missed her so much
He could have cried
Or the way her hair fell in waves
Before it dried into
The strands of joy that would caress his face
In the same bed
That he invites you to share with him.
And in the quiet moments
I get to thinking
And all the ways he used to love her, sinks in
To my brain, my heart
And I can’t stop, once I start.
He used to kiss her lips with a fever
Erased all doubt from her mind
And made her a believer
Of his words, his touches…
And the ring on her finger
A memory that still lingers
In the box that I found near the bed
Leftovers from two people unwed.
And he wonders why, I wonder if
An ending between us could occur
When I don’t have to look far to see
That before me, there was her.
I had a blind date last night and I was praying to God the whole day that I would NOT have a good time. Why?? Because I was crazy about this other guy and I didn’t want any more confusion in my dating life, but at the same time I had to go on the blind date, otherwise I would be thinking “what if” the entire time.
I walked in 10 minutes late and there he was sitting at the bar. Damn, not only was I not stood up, he was there early. I went up gave him a hug and we moved to a table. I looked at him and made a mental scowl and thought, “Damn, I knew God was not going to listen to me.” The dude looked like he walked straight out of a J. Crew catalog, with his blonde hair, blue eyes and perfect straight, white teeth. I never did trust people with perfect straight, white teeth…that is so unnatural.
Right from the beginning the date was a slow disaster waiting to unravel. We sat down and he asked if I was looking forward to this date and I said, “No, I was actually hoping you were going to be ugly and boring…that was my prayer for today.” He just looked at me with that awkward pause playing in the background as the poor guy struggled to find the words to follow up my unexpected comment. In my head I’m like, “Fuck. Ksoranna is on this date and she is going to continue to say crazy things and embarrass me this whole time.” And sure enough, that is exactly what happened. At one point he said that I was being too “negative” and to stop offering him advice on his career path. I told him he had a shitty phone…he didn’t like that I insulted his iPhone very much. I told him that he needs to quit his job…he didn’t like that I insulted his career choice. I told him that he needs to approach women more and not be scared of confrontation…he didn’t like that I called him out for being a pussy.
I actually thought he was going to get up and leave the table because we were going back and forth so much. This is so typically of 2 people who are both stubborn Taurus’. Why do I continue to date people with my horoscope…I don’t know if it’s a coincidence that we never seem to get along. I even warned him about my split personality disorder and he said that I was so weird and that fact was a little “creepy.” Yes, he actually used the word creepy to refer to Ksoranna. She was not too happy about that and was about to really give him a piece of her mind, but I had to calm her down. This was almost as bad as the date where the guy said on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being bat shit crazy, I was probably about a 6 or 7 and where one guy asked me if I was on any medication, to which I confidently responded to with a “yes and I don’t think it’s strong enough for me”. The only thing me and blind date dude agreed upon was religion…yay for the Catholic Church. I am glad he wants to marry in the Church though I feel sorry for whoever agrees to marry him. I have been single for about 3 years. This dude has been single since high school!! That is a definite red flag. He was soo incredible boring, and judgmental, and not funny in a douche bag kind of way. I told him that I wasn’t much of a people person and that I’m not really comfortable on dates and he responded, “yea I can see that.” When the check came he said there was a basketball game he was trying to catch. That is usually my line for why I am running to the door marked exit, so I knew there would definitely not be a 2nd date. Actually I knew it was over when he insulted my love of Jeremy Lin and said my panda bear earmuffs were childish!! How can you insult Jeremy Lin AND my panda bear earmuffs?! Well I missed a Houston Rockets game last night for nothing!!
Despite all that, I was glad I went on this date. As I was driving home, I realized how much I hate dating. It is usually so awkward and uncomfortable and there are only like 5% potentials and the rest of the 95% are made up of “hell no’s”, “probably gay”, “insecure”, or “friend zone material.” So it is really rare that I make a genuine connection with someone…and it is even rarer that the feelings are mutual. And I already had this connection with someone (let’s call him Home Depot) so why was I even entertaining other dates which would probably fall into the 95% category anyways. I feel like God always is testing me to see where my heart is at. For example there was this other guy…he was half Asian, tall, also a lawyer, also Catholic, unfortunately also a Taurus…basically had all the qualities on my list. And funny that God made him available to me after I met Home Depot. I’m not gonna lie, it made me hesitate for a little bit but then I realized who cares about the color of his skin or his height or his religion…I’ve never gotten along with any Asian Catholics anyways!! So I called up Home Depot and told him that I had to see him. Once I got there he asked me how my date went (yes, I am very honest and open with everyone I am dating) and I basically said, “it was uncomfortable and awkward and weird…don’t ever make me go on those dates again…I just want to be yours.” And that’s how the guy who didn’t fit any of my requisites snagged Ksoranna…oh and the fact that I actually like kissing him and he accepts my multiple personalities and Jeremy Lin love and all my guy friends and lizard man voice, doesn’t hurt either.
Dating me is like a roller coaster and not for the faint of heart…or as one of my best friends said “Only the strong survive!” It usually starts out unexpected and ends up being like the ocean…smooth sailing at times, sometimes beautiful and relaxing to be around, and then stormy and tumultuous on some days. I’m sure, this one will be no different.
I can’t promise Home Depot anything. Some days I may be passionate and affectionate, like Ksoranna, other days I may be in love with Jeremy Lin and my korean dramas, like Anna and other days I may be all about work and could care less about men, like Miss Esquire. All I know is that I finally found someone who I WANT to see and can’t get enough of. This feeling may last 2 weeks, 2 years or forever…but I am willing to take that chance. And for me…right now, this brings me happiness and that is enough.
Facebook is like all the headlines of the day’s news…except it’s of people that you actually know. You find out who just had a baby, who got a job promotion, who lost a loved one, who bought a new house, and who is getting married. Well it’s official…he’s engaged…to someone other than me. Although I knew that fact was coming soon, I still felt unprepared for the news.
Our love was before the time of cell phones and txt messages and Facebook and MySpace. Our love blossomed between the lines of notebook papers written after rushed class assignments and passed in between hallways. I still have every letter he wrote me in our 2 and half years…and I still have every email and message he has written me since. Even after our relationship ended, we built a friendship that spanned past college graduations and law school struggles. Yes ironically, he ended up being a lawyer too…a passion he never discovered until after our break up, but one I would like to think that I influenced. I used to call him on holidays and every birthday. I’ve never forgotten his birthday and I wonder if I ever will…February 7th. He will be 29 this year.
I am happy for him…really I am. I am happy for her, since he is probably twice the man that I used to know and the man that I knew was pretty fucking amazing. If our future depends on the foundation of our pasts, then because of him, my foundation has strength, friendship, values, and worth. I am no longer that 16 year old girl but my current 27 year old woman status still adheres to the worth that he saw in me. It is probably for that reason that I have remained single for as long as I have. I know my value and I will not settle for less.
I am numb. Even though we haven’t spoken in a while, it just now hit me that he is no longer mine. I will always be remembered as his high school sweetheart and we will hug and speak pleasantries if we should ever meet again…but he is now officially hers. I wonder if this is how he felt when he heard about my engagement and was he secretly happy when he found out that there would be no marriage for me. I knew this day would come…when we would finally part ways and the memory of our young love quickly fades away…even more so then they already have. I knew from the moment I saw their picture that she would replace me completely and from that day forth, I would linger only on old photos that he no longer looks at. He has finally found “the one” worthy enough to replace me. As for me…I am still searching.
He sat down and I looked at his long blonde hair, blue eyes, tattooed skinny frame and I wanted him. I wanted him because deep down inside, I knew that he would never pick me…that we would never get far and that we would never be…anything more than that moment.
One thing lead to another…another text, another dinner, another kiss, another move that would make me more confused.
I left his place without a kiss, there were no further talks about a future date and I had that feeling that I would never see him again. I had already heard that silent, unspoken farewell before the door to his house had fully closed. That we ended before we really started…this was no surprise. What is surprising is that I actually cared. At the cusp of hello and goodbye, I started to “like” this most unlikely companion. He was “jagged”…the rough edge to my conservative, straight laced figure that I put out to the public. I started to imagine nights filled with mixed drinks, lazy cable watching and whether I could handle this mixture of a man that could leave me at a loss for words. I started to wonder whether his beautiful smile would be enough for me to want to pursue a life of unfamiliarity and whether I would let him lead me to the cliff that I needed to jump off of, to learn more about myself.
He was a man that could make me question where I stood. A man that could make me picture bike riding till the sun went down. A man who knew the exact spot to kiss on my neck until I moaned for more. A man who knew how to hold me without causing the fear of suffocation. A man who knew how to cook me breakfast without pleading for more of my time. A man who was carefree and content and who I wished would teach me how to be the same way.
Unfortunately, he let me go too easily. Unfortunately, I let him.
As I am waiting for my asparagus wrapped in bacon to cook…and as some are relaxing after a big meal…or maybe taking a break from family and friends to read blogs…I figured I would add a little spice to your festivities. 🙂 I am not a parent. I am not even in a relationship…but you should totally ignore the disclaimer “warning” above and practice plenty of thanksgiving innuendos. In fact to make up for the poor folks at home, like me, who won’t be getting anyone to “eat my pie”…you should totally practice thanksgiving sex. Here are some ideas… and no I’m not a sitophilia (someone who derives sexual pleasure from food). I think whatever sitophilia I had, went away after the whole cucumber incident. But if you try any of these out and really enjoy it…then you have me to thank for helping you discover a part of yourself. Enjoy! 🙂
1) “clean the carrot”
I’ve done a lot of things in the name of self love…but I will have to admit cleaning the carrot was not one of them. You can “clean the carrot” a few different ways. Two obvious ones that come to mind are using a carrot as a dildo for vaginal penetration or for anal pleasure. But DON”T use the sharp end of the carrot (especially with anal penetration) because you don’t want to tear or bruise delicate skin. It really helps if you “clean the carrot” first by scrubbing the top layer of skin and then rubbing some lubricant on it. If you are worried about being strange for using a carrot to help you masturbate…just know, you are not alone. A carrot is no stranger to masturbation, see the links here to verify: What else can you masturbate with instead of a dildo, Is it normal to use a carrot to masturbate?, and you are joined by numerous porn stars who love using carrots as dildos, just Google to find out.
Plus no one loves carrots as much as this lady…
And the carrot must be a good lover because this woman has the carrot tattooed 35 times all over her body…she has definitely committed to them for life.
2) “eat the pie”
Damn, I wish someone would just come over and “eat my pie.” Or shit, at least come over and give me pie so I can eat it myself….wait…nevermind… Or how about you can come over with pie and you can eat two things at the same time. But you should probably put cling wrap over the vagina, unless you want to risk a yeast infection. Eating someone’s pie has long been a holiday favorite I’m sure. For some folks, it is the only time they really get their pie eaten. As “defined” by Urban Dictionary, there are a few ways to eat the pie, such as:
performing oral sex on a menstruating female.
Looks like Johnny’s been having a pie-eating contest.
or the usual
And some people also like cream with their pie too 🙂
3) “mash the potatoes”
I’ve never experienced mash potatoes in the bedroom. According to Urban Dictionary, this term means to either…
Of course, you can also refer to this term when potatoes are actually mashing like here… (the fact that someone actually sculpted mash potatoes into a sexual position….makes me feel better about my freaky mind).
4) “butter the corn”
The corn is another favorite replacement dildo. It’s so popular they actually have made corn inspired dildos now.
I swear I never knew people could get turned on by corn…but I guess if you look at corn closely it does resemble a part of the male anatomy. And you would butter the corn the usual way… with your mouth or another pair of lips, of course.
5) “cover with nuts”
Do I really have to explain this one??? “Nuts” are sometimes used to describe testicles, thus “nutting” is another term used to describe when a male ejaculates. Because a male’s ejaculation can be trajectory, the male’s partner can be covered in nuts or it can be directed at a particular part of his partner’s body. This method of showering their partner with nuts, seems to be a main staple in the porn industry, so there is plenty of video documentary on this if you need to do more research.
6) “squeeze the turkey baster”
Wow…I really hope you all have already eaten Thanksgiving dinner…because reading about turkey basting may cause you to never look at a turkey baster the same way again. Just a warning. So I never knew that a turkey baster could have so many sexual uses or there would be so many sexual references to it. (Where do these people come up with this stuff?!…I learn so many new things every day!!) Here are so more Urban Dictionary terms for your educational pleasure.
the act in which you have anal sex with a female whilst she is throwing up in the toilet
last night we got so drunk that i ended up turkey basting my girl friend
When you orgasm multiple times onto a woman’s stomach. Using the pull out method. Then wiping off using a towel or other cloth.
I love turkey basting onto a woman’s stomach.
It also seems that a turkey baster is helpful for self love and maybe even pregnancy…
This is another home made sex toy favorite. The possibilities are almost endless and it is so much cheaper than anything sold at Adam & Eve or Priscilla’s. All the things you can do with this amazing invention via homemade sex toys:
1. Use it to suck your clit
Remove the rubber bulb, place the opening over your clitoris, and squeeze rhythmically. Use some water-based lube for more suction and sensation. Simulate oral sex or just get your clit pumped up and sensitive.
2. Use it to suck your dick
Guys, try the same thing on the head of your cock. It’s like a mouth sucking on just the end. With a soft rubber bulb you probably won’t hurt yourself, but be gentle.
3. Use it as a nipple pump
Use the bulb the same way to “pump” your partner’s nipples. Let suction hold the bulb in place, then pull it, hit it, or let it hang.
4. Hump the baster tube
Rub the plastic baster tube against your clitoris, over it, and on the sides. Raised markings on the tube will give extra stimulation.
5. Water massage
Use it to squirt streams of water onto your clit. Do it fast and you can get a “pulsing” effect going. It’s easiest to do this in the tub.
6. DIY ejaculating dildo
A baster is the easiest DIY ejaculating dildo. Squirt warm water (or something else) into your vagina. Use some real baby gravy if you want to get pregnant. Don’t penetrate too deep or poke too hard with the baster tip
7. Anal douche/ejaculating dildo
This could be either an anal douche in preparation for anal sex, or to simulate an ejaculation into the ass. Use caution when inserting the hard end of the baster into the anus, and make sure there aren’t sharp plastic edges that could cause damage.
8. Air stream
Use it to blow puffs of air on the clit or other sensitive areas. Note: Blow air on and around the outside of the vagina or anus. Blowing air into the vagina or anus could cause an embolism, which can be life-threatening.
9. Pussy thumping
Hold the baster by the tube and rub, thump, and tap your partner’s clit and pussy with the rubber bulb. Nothing like a little pussy spanking to get her warmed up.
10. Water torture
Tie up your partner and use the baster to drip cold water on his or her sensitive areas.
11. Serve a creampie
Otherwise known as “felching”. After coming inside your partner, use the baster to suck out your jizz. What you do with it after that is your business
12. Love Taps
Grab the baster by the tube and whack your partner on the butt or back. The rubber bulb makes a nice “thwack” but doesn’t hurt too much. If they’ve been very naughty, discipline them with the plastic baster tube – it has more sting.
13. Ball gag
Remove the rubber bulb and fill with tissues. Stick the closed end into your partner’s mouth.
14. Lube applicator
To prepare yourself for anal sex or fisting, suction some lube up into the baster and squirt it up into your ass.
15. Rub one out
Masturbate by rubbing the bulb on your clit. Stick the baster in your panties with the bulb between your legs, hold the baster tube like a dick, and pump it up and down like you’re jacking off, Drop some marbles or lead fishing weights into the bulb for vibration as well as friction.
7) “stuff the turkey”
And last but not least on my list….this one is for the more adventurous soul. For committed couples, stuffing the turkey is a self explanatory innuendo. For individuals or couples who like to try something different on the holidays, here is an idea also brought to you by Urban Dictionary.
On a more serious note, despite the confusion on why this holiday was actually started, Thanksgiving does have a meaningful purpose behind it. I am thankful for a lot of things…some big, some small, and some only significant to me. One of the things I am thankful for is having this blog to release some of my more insane/intimate thoughts and for having followers/readers who actually lend me your time by supporting this blog. This means a lot to me. So whether you celebrate this holiday or not, I hope you have a lot to be thankful for this season!!
Peace and love!!
As this summer draws to an end, others will think of bar-b-ques and poolside drinks and sand in between their toes. I will only think of him and the taste of lemon and grape popsicles melted on my tongue. I still remember when my friend first bought them for me. I did not put popsicles on my grocery list, but she told me, “you are gonna be so glad to have them on a hot summer day.” Little did I know how right she would be. Indirectly, I have her to thank for sticky sheets and sweaty thighs and satisfied smiles…as I strolled into work late with my purple tongue as a reminder of what he tasted like.
He was the grounds keeper for the apartment complex. I was the sexy, single female who liked to water the plants on my balcony with nothing but my t-shirt and panties on…and sometimes with a lucky frozen fruit bar in my mouth.
It started with a favor on how to care for my plants. It ended with the taste of lemon and grape intertwined with each breath I took and every moan I released. I sucked on the tip of a frozen treat as he sucked on my nipples…until they stood erect like brown pyramids against the sandy desert of my skin. He used his tongue to taste me from my chest down to my navel, as I used mine to lick the juice dripping down the sides of the popsicle, like it was the sweat rolling down his abs.
He buried his head in between my thighs and proceeded to do a taste test of the pussy that was spread out before him. With the flat part of his tongue he stroked the entire length of my cleft. He sucked on my plump pussy lips till my thighs shook from the pleasure. He licked the juices flowing out of me like nectar from a flower, as I licked the melted sweetness dripping down my hands. He suckled and slurped me as if I tasted like the frozen lemon drop he finished minutes before he undressed me.
I fed him pussy with each thrust of my hip and he took in mouthful after mouthful. I tried to finish my frozen fruit bar before he finished me but I could no longer concentrate on the sticky sweetness which had melted all over my hands and mouth. He stroked my insides with his fingers as he sucked on my clit until I screamed out his name and begged him to stop.
As my pussy continued to pulsate, he kissed me with lips overworked from natural desires. He tasted of my orgasm mixed with a lemon tongue and I tasted of grape soda. His tongue was hot from my heat and I tried to cool it off with a tongue drenched in a frozen treat.
And so my summer began with the taste of lemon and grape. And in this way, it continued on… as I bought lemonade and grape frozen fruit bars, 2 and 3 boxes at a time. This past summer sure was a hot one …thank goodness for frozen popsicle treats.
Hello Dear Readers,
I just wanted to let you know that I have been super busy these past few weeks with Real Life responsibilities…ugh!! So no worries, I haven’t abandoned this blog. 🙂 I have been doing Human Rights’ presentations for universities and working on a website…all with the goal of boosting my resume so that when I apply to these fellowships in NYC, I will trick them into thinking I am a qualified candidate. 🙂 I promise to return soon with more tantalizing erotic tales and more heart warming poetry.
Until then… I will leave you with some pics that always makes me believe in finding love again and with the hope that sometimes love really does last a lifetime.
You are never too old to find the the one!
This story is my favorite!! The man is 104 years old and his wife is 100 years old. They have been married for 81 years. They are very poor and he has never seen his wife in a wedding dress, so when this picture was taken, it was the first time she wore one. They were both so overwhelmed. He hugged her and said that she is still beautiful to him. 🙂
Ok…hopefully no one intentionally aspires to be cling wrap. It’s just one of those things that happens when sometimes the paths in life that we take…lead us to the wrong people. Instead of running the other way once we realize that they are not good for anything but lies, cheap thrills, and wasting our time…we somehow get “caught” or “stuck”…and just like cling wrap, it may take a few tries before we can finally peel ourselves off. If any of these pics apply to you and your “relationship”…then it may be a sign that you need to walk the other way… unless you aspire to be cling wrap.
She picks up her pencil and starts to take notes. She looks around the room at unfamiliar faces…younger faces…and struggles to pay attention as the professor lectures on, in a language that is natively, not her own.
After escaping a war-torn country, adapting to a new culture, raising 5 children into adulthood, and working the last 15 years on the assembly line level of a company that does not realize her worth…she finally decided to pursue her own dreams.
She spent the last 2 years writing a memoir, with only the hopes and dreams that the outside world would value her struggles as much as she did. At the beginning of this year, she sent off numerous manuscripts, with only a simple prayer. Her hopes and dreams became a reality when among the numerous “nos”, one publishing company finally said “yes.” Only in her dreams did she imagine that her memoir would not only be published, but that she would be asked to do a book signing, and that there would already be a pre-order of 1,000 books.
Today she is making another dream a reality. While others were getting teary eyed wishing their kids off to school…I was getting teary eyed wishing my mother “good luck” on her first day back at school…in 39 years!! She is 54 years old and starting Adult Education Classes at the 5th grade level…and I have never been more proud of her.
She has taught me a lot of life lessons, including the fact that…it is never to late to pursue your dreams and sometimes dreams really do come true!
For more on her story: My Mother, My Hero