Category Archives: A Penny for my Thoughts
February 16, 2014: I felt trapped. Suffocating in a relationship that no longer had a future; with a man I had long fallen out of love with. Two days after Valentine’s Day and the only thing I was looking forward to was my move out date in 6 days. There is nothing harder than having a one-sided relationship with a man who won’t meet you halfway; nothing more heartbreaking than kissing a man who won’t kiss back; nothing more pathetic than crying alone on my side of the bed when he was less than an arm’s length away.
April 26, 2014: I turned 29. One year away from the big 30 and even with all that I had accomplished, I still felt dissatisfied with my life. But that was nothing new. Growing up, I always wanted more for myself and more out of the life I was so blessed to have. But that weekend was more than about me feeling like I was stuck in a rut; it was also the weekend I found out my good friend passed away…the day after I saw him for my birthday dinner. Even now, replaying the moment I heard the news still brings tears to my eyes. I still remember for my 26th birthday, he got to work early to blow up balloons and decorate my desk area to surprise me.
That was the kind of friend he was. He sat next to me for almost 2 years and kept me laughing and my spirits high every day that we worked together. When I moved into my first apartment alone, he gave me a really nice glass set. Till this day, it is still the glass set I drink from. It is so hard to explain what it feels like to see someone arriving on their customary motorcycle, to eat and laugh, to hug them good-bye…like you two have done for the last 5 years, only to find out that they got into a fatal motorcycle accident the next morning. As much as his friendship affected my life; his death affected it even more. Now more than before, I understood the meaning of cherishing every moment, appreciating every friendship, and most importantly to truly love living. It was at that moment, I knew I had to worry less about the future, enjoy the present, and pursue my daydreams even harder.
July 10, 2014: For the first time in my life, I stepped onto European soil. After a year of planning, saving, and daydreaming about the moment; it passes by in a blink of an eye. My best friend and I spent the next 2 weeks exploring Rome, Barcelona, and Madrid and it was a life changing experience; as most international travels always are. There is no way I can put into words what it feels like to walk down a cobblestone street listening to beautiful Italian accents, while enjoying an authentic gelato with my best friend, under a beautiful sun, with the iconic Roman Colosseum in sight. There is nothing as refreshing as “summer wine” in Madrid after a long, hot day or as delicious as spicy potato fritters at Bar Nuria (http://http://www.nuria.com/en/#_=_) while people watching in Barcelona. It is every bit as amazing as I had imagined it would be and exactly the break from my real life that I needed. If you are ever presented with the opportunity to travel internationally, do it!! It will bring more value to your life than any designer purse, spa day, or luxury car that will only depreciate over time. Traveling opens your eyes to sights not seen on tv and enlightens your soul, like few other things in this world can.
July 26, 2014: I had fallen in love/in lust with a married man. In life you always say there are certain things you will never do, certain lines you will never cross but the older I’ve gotten, the more I realize that list gets shorter and shorter as I continue to break all the imaginary “rules” I laid out for myself. We spent all day at the beach and it was like a scene from a movie. A wonderful, sweet, sappy, and romantic movie. We laid out on the beach, frolicked among the waves, and kissed on the shoreline as the waves crashed against our laps.
Some people are in your life for a reason and he helped to remind me of what amazing chemistry felt like, what passion and love could be like…with the right person. He wasn’t the “right” person, but when he touched me, it felt like magic. When he kissed me and made love to me, I thought of nothing and no one else. We were both so deprived of intimacy, that we poured all of that need into each other. I had more orgasms in the few months I was with him, then I did in the year before I met him. He looked at me and I felt beautiful. When I had a bad day, he would make a point to send me funny videos. When I got discouraged, he would push and motivate me. He always believed that I would go on to do bigger and better things, sometimes more than I did. In the shortest time, he somehow colored my world more than he will ever know.
October 1, 2014: I found out I didn’t get the promotion at work. I was beyond insulted and thought I was more qualified than some of the others who got the promotion. I didn’t know it at the time, but this event was the main catalyst that would propel me to start looking outside my comfort zone. Looking back, I am so thankful that I didn’t get this promotion because if I did, I would have stayed in the same city I grew up in, surrounded by my family and friends, and my life would have completely taken another path than the journey I am on now.
October 27, 2014: The day that changed my life forever and I hated him. I wished he would get hit by a semi-truck and be forever paralyzed from the neck down. If my life were a reality show; this episode would be the season finale. I became every single crazy woman stereotype and continued breaking all of my “rules”. Catch him in multiple lies and stay with him – check. Catch him cheating and stay with him – check. Allow yourself to be in a love triangle and stay with him – check. Drive over to his house banging on the door and screaming at the top of your lungs at 2 in the morning – check. Try to get your roommate and 4 of his big friends to threaten the guy – check. Ask your pregnant sister if you could please have some of her urine so you can pretend to be pregnant – check. Out of every dark storm, there is a silver lining and my sanity was saved by the most unlikeliest person. “The other woman” made me a stronger person; she became my support group when I felt like I had no one else who could understand me. Despite all the hurt and anger, we became friends as he becomes a distant memory. Some days it is still a struggle to not think of him and as I feel that dark anger and sadness start to engulf me, she reminds me….everything will be ok, everything will get better, and I am beautiful and amazing and loved. We still talk on a regular basis and I know that, even though the bonds that tie us together are dark and ugly, we will be friends for the rest of our lives.
November 17, 2014: I got the job! Everything happened in a whirlwind. Things were so bad at my last job that one day I went home and applied to 6 open positions. My best friend kept talking about the DC area and out of desperation, I just happened to apply to 2 jobs in the DC area that I found through LinkedIn. I got a phone interview that Thursday and an in person interview the following Monday. I walked into the firm and it felt like home; like I belonged there. I came home after the interview and told my roommate that the job was made for me and I don’t know who could have been more of a better candidate. I logged into my email to write out a thank you letter and had an offer waiting for me…4 hours after I had left my interview. Three weeks later, I moved to an unfamiliar city where I barely knew anyone and just prayed that I had made a good decision and that this move was for the best. Two months later, and I am happy to proclaim that this was the best decision I have ever made for myself.
February 14, 2015: I had a great Valentine’s Day. To think that just a year ago, I was dreading Valentine’s Day. I was getting over a cold at the same time that I was getting over my relationship. I woke up to a card, chocolates, and cough drops. Fast forward a year and I am enjoying Spanish tapas and refreshing sangrias, with one of the sweetest and most understanding guys I’ve ever met. We are laughing, he’s speaking Spanish to me, I am watching the snow falling outside, and he’s rubbing my bare feet that fit so comfortably on his lap. He knows parts of me that are dark, sees the tension that these secrets bring to me, and accepts me and my baggage wholeheartedly. He kisses me, touches me, and all the anger of the last 5 months slips away. I am still learning what his purpose in my life is, but he is giving me something to believe in again.
February 16, 2015: I am free. I love my new job. I love my new city. I am starting to love my body again. I have two international trips planned. My writer’s block has finally been lifted and I’m writing again. At this moment, all seems right in my life and I could not ask for anything more. I am happier than I have been in a long time.
Where were you when I cried myself to sleep, when I felt the walls caving in and control melt away?
Where were you when memories haunted me and nightmares visited at night?
Where were you when my insomnia refused to give me peace and the whole world abandoned me to simmer in my own thoughts?
Isn’t it ironic, that in a world where everyone has a cell phone, no one is picking up my phone call.
Were you blinded by my surface smile
As I convinced you that I was dancing…and happy…and beautiful?
Were you deafened by my laughter
As I covered my fears…and anxiety…and sadness?
How people are so easily fooled when they see all the glitter and the gloss but never the undercoat colors with which I paint myself.
No matter how many friends I have,
Or how big my family is,
Or who I am dating,
Or how many shoes I buy,
Or how many cookies I eat,
On a Saturday night, I am still the lonely girl.
The girl that used to eat lunch by herself, play with rocks in the sand instead of other people,
I am still the girl that was teased for my big glasses and home-made haircut and hand me down clothes.
I am still the girl that uses words to escape to a place where no one can hurt me, like when they said I was ugly.
There is still a part of me, that no one can touch
There is still a pain that no hug can heal
An ache that no amount of alcohol can ease
And no one will ever know how I really feel.
I feel like I have my head under water and I can’t breath but I refuse to drown.
I feel lost…just so utterly lost and I have no GPS, no map, not even a freaking compass, and I’m driving on this road alone.
I feel like I want to sleep my days away, the type of sleep that numbs your mind and your senses.
I feel like I want to shred every paper and trash every insignificant thing in my life.
I feel like it’s Christmas Day and I am the only one still waiting on my gift, that never comes.
I feel like an orphan and no matter how much you tell me you love me and want me, a part of me will never believe you.
I want to run away…from these walls…from these emotions…from these headaches,
I want to escape my life…and leave myself behind.
Today in a world of instant technology, millions of eyes were glued on a smoke stack, and when white smoke was finally seen at 2:06pm (ET)…millions of eyes were glued to the red curtains. They were not awaiting a politician or a movie star…but a religious figure. In a world where there is a drastic separation between church and state, no one questioned network TV and public radio spending hours and days covering the news of a religious event. In a world where religion often takes a back seat…this was a welcome change.
It is really hard to explain the feelings I have right now. It is just such an overwhelming feeling, I can describe it only as “epic.” This is the first year I was able to watch the beginning of Conclave and the revealing of the new Pope live and the video and pictures from the moment are so ceremonious and so beautiful, it looks likes something out of a movie. The crowd at St. Peter’s Square is filled beyond capacity. Thousands braved the cold and the rain to witness such a momentous moment in history. Once the crowd let out a roar and lights appeared behind the curtain…for those following moments, I did not Facebook, I did not Tweet, I did not text. Like millions of other people, I just took in the essence of the moment and simply watched the red curtains in anticipation for the new leader of the Catholic Church.
This was my first introduction to Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina…a man who will now forever be known as Pope Francis (the 1st). He seemed humble and very personable. It is noted that he is a known for his work with the poor and is supported among liberal cardinals. The new Pope asked the people of the world to pray for him and there was a hush among the crowd and it is hard to fathom the sense of overwhelming prayers that were offered in living rooms, in cars, at work…from people all around the world.
I don’t know how non-Catholics view this moment and I am sure some don’t understand the reason why a man is being revered my millions. But as a Catholic myself, I feel like this is the moment the Church needed. All the reporters kept proclaiming how the Church is at a crossroads, and it is very true. I don’t think it was coincidence that Pope Francis is the first Latin American Pope and I hope the new Pope is able to guide The Church into the modern world and that he will be able to address issues, such as women leaders in the church, homosexuality, and the decline of Catholics around the world. Being Pope is no “dream job.” Pope Francis, from this moment to probably the day he dies will be the spiritual leader for about 1.2 billion Catholics around the world. Everyday for the rest of his life, he will “learn the sorrows of the world”…he will not only have to have a “special depth of faith” that few men can handle, he will also have to govern and appoint necessary leaders to help guide and strengthen The Church. And the Catholic Church is not just “a” church, it is “the” Church which has been established in tradition going back centuries, is the beacon of faith for people from the Americas to Africa to Asia, it leads the rich and the poor, the young and the old. Tonight, regardless of the color of their skin or the language of their land, millions of Catholics will pray in solidarity for the new Pope, and I will be one of them.
NOTE TO READERS: I do NOT usually write religious based posts and will probably not write very many. While I always welcome any new followers, I wanted to put out this disclaimer for anyone who decides to follow this blog, based on this religious content…otherwise you will be a little “shocked” to read what email notifications you will be getting. 🙂
Yes, I actually made those…and yes, I am the photographer also. I have so many skills, sometimes I even amaze myself. So anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a cooking/baking/anything domestic-type woman. I am more the sleep all day/eat at fancy restaurants/wants the man to cook and clean-type woman…BUT today I made an exception…for HIM and he better appreciate it!!! (OMG…I am obviously very pathetic and crazy about this guy…ugh, I hate when I get ridiculous like this!) I know these cupcakes may not look like a big deal, but they are. Why?? Because I don’t even like grocery shopping and I went grocery shopping 2 days in a row, and I spent time mixing and actually baking, and even braved rush hour traffic and the grocery crowd to make these!! If he doesn’t like these, he better fake it and act like they taste professional!!
And if he breaks up with me 2 weeks from now, I will slit his tires and burn all his shit!! LOL…just playing, I’m not that crazy. OK, I am gonna stop rambling now…here is the recipe.
CUPCAKES (This made exactly 22 cupcakes)
- 1 cup all purpose flour
- 3/4 cup self-rising flour (or you can make your own, which is 3/4 cup flour and 1 Tblespoon baking powder and 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
- 1 1/4 cup sugar
- 2 large eggs
- 2 1/2 Tblespoon fresh lime juice
- 1 Tblespoon finely grated lime peel
- 1/4 teaspoon neon-green food coloring
- 3/4 cup buttermilk (or you can make your own, which is 3/4 cup mils and 3/4 Tblespoon lemon juice)
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line standard muffin pan with paper liners. Whisk both flours in medium bowl. Beat butter in large bowl until smooth. Add sugar; beat to blend. Beat in eggs 1 at a time, then next 3 ingredients (batter may look curdled). Beat in flour mixture in 3 additions alternately with buttermilk in 2 additions. Spoon scant 1/3 cup batter in each liner. –> Ok so I basically ignored all of these step by step directions and just put everything in at the same time and mixed it. My cupcakes are still pretty good and fluffy.
2. Bake cupcakes until tester inserted into center comes out clean, 20-25 min. Cool for 10 min. Frost as desired.
- 1 cup butter
- 2 cups sugar (this is an estimate, I basically added sugar until the frosting looked thick enough)
- 3 drops of coconut flavoring
- coconut flakes, if desired (I put in like 2 cups of coconut flakes, and it was WAY too much and my frosting came out very thick and it was heard to pipe)
- food coloring (optional –> I didn’t use food coloring)
1. Soften butter
2. Add sugar and butter. Stir until smooth.
3. Add flavoring and food coloring. Stir.
4. Refrigerate overnight.
As an extra topping, I crushed graham crackers and sprinkled it on top.
Props go to my little sister for doing the actual icing. Hope you enjoy! And Happy Birthday to my boyfriend!! (Gosh, after being single for over 3 years, that word still sounds foreign coming out of my mouth.)
I had a blind date last night and I was praying to God the whole day that I would NOT have a good time. Why?? Because I was crazy about this other guy and I didn’t want any more confusion in my dating life, but at the same time I had to go on the blind date, otherwise I would be thinking “what if” the entire time.
I walked in 10 minutes late and there he was sitting at the bar. Damn, not only was I not stood up, he was there early. I went up gave him a hug and we moved to a table. I looked at him and made a mental scowl and thought, “Damn, I knew God was not going to listen to me.” The dude looked like he walked straight out of a J. Crew catalog, with his blonde hair, blue eyes and perfect straight, white teeth. I never did trust people with perfect straight, white teeth…that is so unnatural.
Right from the beginning the date was a slow disaster waiting to unravel. We sat down and he asked if I was looking forward to this date and I said, “No, I was actually hoping you were going to be ugly and boring…that was my prayer for today.” He just looked at me with that awkward pause playing in the background as the poor guy struggled to find the words to follow up my unexpected comment. In my head I’m like, “Fuck. Ksoranna is on this date and she is going to continue to say crazy things and embarrass me this whole time.” And sure enough, that is exactly what happened. At one point he said that I was being too “negative” and to stop offering him advice on his career path. I told him he had a shitty phone…he didn’t like that I insulted his iPhone very much. I told him that he needs to quit his job…he didn’t like that I insulted his career choice. I told him that he needs to approach women more and not be scared of confrontation…he didn’t like that I called him out for being a pussy.
I actually thought he was going to get up and leave the table because we were going back and forth so much. This is so typically of 2 people who are both stubborn Taurus’. Why do I continue to date people with my horoscope…I don’t know if it’s a coincidence that we never seem to get along. I even warned him about my split personality disorder and he said that I was so weird and that fact was a little “creepy.” Yes, he actually used the word creepy to refer to Ksoranna. She was not too happy about that and was about to really give him a piece of her mind, but I had to calm her down. This was almost as bad as the date where the guy said on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being bat shit crazy, I was probably about a 6 or 7 and where one guy asked me if I was on any medication, to which I confidently responded to with a “yes and I don’t think it’s strong enough for me”. The only thing me and blind date dude agreed upon was religion…yay for the Catholic Church. I am glad he wants to marry in the Church though I feel sorry for whoever agrees to marry him. I have been single for about 3 years. This dude has been single since high school!! That is a definite red flag. He was soo incredible boring, and judgmental, and not funny in a douche bag kind of way. I told him that I wasn’t much of a people person and that I’m not really comfortable on dates and he responded, “yea I can see that.” When the check came he said there was a basketball game he was trying to catch. That is usually my line for why I am running to the door marked exit, so I knew there would definitely not be a 2nd date. Actually I knew it was over when he insulted my love of Jeremy Lin and said my panda bear earmuffs were childish!! How can you insult Jeremy Lin AND my panda bear earmuffs?! Well I missed a Houston Rockets game last night for nothing!!
Despite all that, I was glad I went on this date. As I was driving home, I realized how much I hate dating. It is usually so awkward and uncomfortable and there are only like 5% potentials and the rest of the 95% are made up of “hell no’s”, “probably gay”, “insecure”, or “friend zone material.” So it is really rare that I make a genuine connection with someone…and it is even rarer that the feelings are mutual. And I already had this connection with someone (let’s call him Home Depot) so why was I even entertaining other dates which would probably fall into the 95% category anyways. I feel like God always is testing me to see where my heart is at. For example there was this other guy…he was half Asian, tall, also a lawyer, also Catholic, unfortunately also a Taurus…basically had all the qualities on my list. And funny that God made him available to me after I met Home Depot. I’m not gonna lie, it made me hesitate for a little bit but then I realized who cares about the color of his skin or his height or his religion…I’ve never gotten along with any Asian Catholics anyways!! So I called up Home Depot and told him that I had to see him. Once I got there he asked me how my date went (yes, I am very honest and open with everyone I am dating) and I basically said, “it was uncomfortable and awkward and weird…don’t ever make me go on those dates again…I just want to be yours.” And that’s how the guy who didn’t fit any of my requisites snagged Ksoranna…oh and the fact that I actually like kissing him and he accepts my multiple personalities and Jeremy Lin love and all my guy friends and lizard man voice, doesn’t hurt either.
Dating me is like a roller coaster and not for the faint of heart…or as one of my best friends said “Only the strong survive!” It usually starts out unexpected and ends up being like the ocean…smooth sailing at times, sometimes beautiful and relaxing to be around, and then stormy and tumultuous on some days. I’m sure, this one will be no different.
I can’t promise Home Depot anything. Some days I may be passionate and affectionate, like Ksoranna, other days I may be in love with Jeremy Lin and my korean dramas, like Anna and other days I may be all about work and could care less about men, like Miss Esquire. All I know is that I finally found someone who I WANT to see and can’t get enough of. This feeling may last 2 weeks, 2 years or forever…but I am willing to take that chance. And for me…right now, this brings me happiness and that is enough.
Facebook is like all the headlines of the day’s news…except it’s of people that you actually know. You find out who just had a baby, who got a job promotion, who lost a loved one, who bought a new house, and who is getting married. Well it’s official…he’s engaged…to someone other than me. Although I knew that fact was coming soon, I still felt unprepared for the news.
Our love was before the time of cell phones and txt messages and Facebook and MySpace. Our love blossomed between the lines of notebook papers written after rushed class assignments and passed in between hallways. I still have every letter he wrote me in our 2 and half years…and I still have every email and message he has written me since. Even after our relationship ended, we built a friendship that spanned past college graduations and law school struggles. Yes ironically, he ended up being a lawyer too…a passion he never discovered until after our break up, but one I would like to think that I influenced. I used to call him on holidays and every birthday. I’ve never forgotten his birthday and I wonder if I ever will…February 7th. He will be 29 this year.
I am happy for him…really I am. I am happy for her, since he is probably twice the man that I used to know and the man that I knew was pretty fucking amazing. If our future depends on the foundation of our pasts, then because of him, my foundation has strength, friendship, values, and worth. I am no longer that 16 year old girl but my current 27 year old woman status still adheres to the worth that he saw in me. It is probably for that reason that I have remained single for as long as I have. I know my value and I will not settle for less.
I am numb. Even though we haven’t spoken in a while, it just now hit me that he is no longer mine. I will always be remembered as his high school sweetheart and we will hug and speak pleasantries if we should ever meet again…but he is now officially hers. I wonder if this is how he felt when he heard about my engagement and was he secretly happy when he found out that there would be no marriage for me. I knew this day would come…when we would finally part ways and the memory of our young love quickly fades away…even more so then they already have. I knew from the moment I saw their picture that she would replace me completely and from that day forth, I would linger only on old photos that he no longer looks at. He has finally found “the one” worthy enough to replace me. As for me…I am still searching.
To say that January has not been my month, would be an understatement. I have not been blogging because I’ve been in such angry, sad, and lonely moods that I didn’t want to unload all my negativity onto this blog…but I guess if I can’t rant here, then where else do I have to go. While my New Year’s Eve has been great…the rest of January quickly unraveled around me. My youngest sister had to be hospitalized in a mental health clinic for a week so that she wouldn’t commit suicide, I lost my job for about a week and it made me question where I was going with my life, my mother quit her job and now my family’s financial situation has been really stressful…and this is just the big stuff.
My fuse has been really, really short and unfortunately my closest friends and family had to deal with my wrath. I have been walking around like a ticking time bomb, ready to explode at everyone and everything. During tough times, you realize who your friends are, who is there for you…and who is not. I absolutely do not tolerate gay jokes. There are so many people out here who suffer because of their sexual orientation, who are told their love is wrong or that they are going to hell or are constantly bullied. The idea of losing my youngest sister to such senseless hate…the feeling of anger that it caused inside of me is indescribable. You also realize how selfish some people are and unfortunately sometimes those people are family. My sister’s medical bills are in the THOUSANDS of dollars and of course health insurance doesn’t cover 100%. You think my other siblings would come together to help, especially with my mother not working and my father being forced to work overtime, in his frail state. But NO…it is “not her responsibility” were her exact words to me. What do you mean it’s not your responsibility?! They are your parents!! I swear she is the most selfish person I know!! Did I mention she lives at home for FREE!!! So of course, me being the oldest…the one who is already more than $100,000 in debt, the one who lost the job, the one who has expenses out the ass…I will be the one to shoulder everyone’s burden. Well I don’t get angry often and I have a habit of holding my emotions inside…but the dam has been broken. It seems like everyone, from friends to family, have had something they want to say to me. I am fucking stressed and holding my tongue in cheek is now a thing of the past. Unfortunately, my anger has been unleashed on some of the people that I love. My apologies for that. I value the friendships that I have and I love my siblings…they know my true heart and hopefully all will be forgiven.
Now on top of all of this…I am dealing with relationship type issues. I love my friends who have known me for 20+ years…I will push my pride and stubbornness aside for them. I love my siblings and they know despite my angry words, I would do anything for them. Now what I won’t fucking tolerate is a man…I don’t give a shit who you are or how long I’ve known you. If things between me and you don’t work out…it sucks, but get the fuck over it. Don’t go around Facebook, posting shit on your wall about me and think that I am going to let it slide.
Wow…really?! I am like a “genocide“….women like me “will ruin your fuckin’ life” and I “shit inside of your heart“?! Seriously…I didn’t know that I had the power to do all of that. If that was the case, I would have tried to take over the world by now…one man at a time!! And I don’t care if you didn’t put my name on that post or link it to my wall…all of our friends know it was a personal attack at me!! What the hell did I do to you?! You make it seem like we were together for 2 years and I cheated on you or I killed your unborn baby or I shot your mother. The reality is, I told you I liked you…it lasted a WEEK…and then I said we were better off as friends because little did I know that you were a freaking psycho!! You didn’t even take me out on ONE freaking date!! Nothing happened between us…it was only a freaking week!! I asked for an apology because that is the least you could say to me after I had to put up with all your hateful emails and drunken messages about how you blame me for all the sorrows in your life.
Now I hate to put you on blast…but you are just ridiculous!! Now that was just the first paragraph to like a 2 page letter, where he proceeds to tell me what a horrible person I am and how much pain I caused him. And this is not the first time. I’ve had to deal with his constant blame game for almost 2 weeks now!! So being the immature, angry adult that I am right now…I decided to respond by a Facebook wall status, because that is how angry people in this Facebook era, communicate with each other.
And this fool had the nerve to write on my wall and then proceeded to call me an asshole!! Has this man lost his fucking mind?! Does he not know the meaning of “don’t talk to me anymore”….does he really want a piece of my wrath right now?! To make matters worse…this fucking fool works with me. The only good thing about being out of work was the fact that I didn’t have to look at his face all day. I am trying to remind myself that I am an obedient law-abiding citizen. That I don’t want to fuck up my career by driving to his house and breaking his shit and fucking up his car and really showing him how much of an asshole I can be. I swear he better not say one fucking word to me tomorrow at work…he better not even look in my direction…if he sees me walk to his side of the room, he better walk the other way. I may need to call in sick tomorrow. I know my position at work is already in jeopardy because I can’t seem to make it into the office till noon everyday…but I don’t think a cuss out war between me and another attorney will look good on my resume.
Tomorrow is a new day and thankfully a new month. I really hope that February treats me better than January did. In the meantime, I hope no one else says anything crazy to me. I hope I can control my temper. I don’t know what’s wrong with me…maybe I need to eat more chocolate or get a massage or go on vacation or get a really big dildo or something. I’ll stop my ranting for now…thanks for listening to me. And don’t worry, soon I will return with some erotic poetry or funny stories. Maybe I’ll go on some dates and write about my dating chronicles…but for some reason men are scared of me. I have no idea why…it’s so obvious that I am completely stable and perfectly normal. I don’t know why they would think that I am a bit crazy or have like a slight personality disorder…hmmm…
As I am waiting for my asparagus wrapped in bacon to cook…and as some are relaxing after a big meal…or maybe taking a break from family and friends to read blogs…I figured I would add a little spice to your festivities. 🙂 I am not a parent. I am not even in a relationship…but you should totally ignore the disclaimer “warning” above and practice plenty of thanksgiving innuendos. In fact to make up for the poor folks at home, like me, who won’t be getting anyone to “eat my pie”…you should totally practice thanksgiving sex. Here are some ideas… and no I’m not a sitophilia (someone who derives sexual pleasure from food). I think whatever sitophilia I had, went away after the whole cucumber incident. But if you try any of these out and really enjoy it…then you have me to thank for helping you discover a part of yourself. Enjoy! 🙂
1) “clean the carrot”
I’ve done a lot of things in the name of self love…but I will have to admit cleaning the carrot was not one of them. You can “clean the carrot” a few different ways. Two obvious ones that come to mind are using a carrot as a dildo for vaginal penetration or for anal pleasure. But DON”T use the sharp end of the carrot (especially with anal penetration) because you don’t want to tear or bruise delicate skin. It really helps if you “clean the carrot” first by scrubbing the top layer of skin and then rubbing some lubricant on it. If you are worried about being strange for using a carrot to help you masturbate…just know, you are not alone. A carrot is no stranger to masturbation, see the links here to verify: What else can you masturbate with instead of a dildo, Is it normal to use a carrot to masturbate?, and you are joined by numerous porn stars who love using carrots as dildos, just Google to find out.
Plus no one loves carrots as much as this lady…
And the carrot must be a good lover because this woman has the carrot tattooed 35 times all over her body…she has definitely committed to them for life.
2) “eat the pie”
Damn, I wish someone would just come over and “eat my pie.” Or shit, at least come over and give me pie so I can eat it myself….wait…nevermind… Or how about you can come over with pie and you can eat two things at the same time. But you should probably put cling wrap over the vagina, unless you want to risk a yeast infection. Eating someone’s pie has long been a holiday favorite I’m sure. For some folks, it is the only time they really get their pie eaten. As “defined” by Urban Dictionary, there are a few ways to eat the pie, such as:
performing oral sex on a menstruating female.
Looks like Johnny’s been having a pie-eating contest.
or the usual
And some people also like cream with their pie too 🙂
3) “mash the potatoes”
I’ve never experienced mash potatoes in the bedroom. According to Urban Dictionary, this term means to either…
Of course, you can also refer to this term when potatoes are actually mashing like here… (the fact that someone actually sculpted mash potatoes into a sexual position….makes me feel better about my freaky mind).
4) “butter the corn”
The corn is another favorite replacement dildo. It’s so popular they actually have made corn inspired dildos now.
I swear I never knew people could get turned on by corn…but I guess if you look at corn closely it does resemble a part of the male anatomy. And you would butter the corn the usual way… with your mouth or another pair of lips, of course.
5) “cover with nuts”
Do I really have to explain this one??? “Nuts” are sometimes used to describe testicles, thus “nutting” is another term used to describe when a male ejaculates. Because a male’s ejaculation can be trajectory, the male’s partner can be covered in nuts or it can be directed at a particular part of his partner’s body. This method of showering their partner with nuts, seems to be a main staple in the porn industry, so there is plenty of video documentary on this if you need to do more research.
6) “squeeze the turkey baster”
Wow…I really hope you all have already eaten Thanksgiving dinner…because reading about turkey basting may cause you to never look at a turkey baster the same way again. Just a warning. So I never knew that a turkey baster could have so many sexual uses or there would be so many sexual references to it. (Where do these people come up with this stuff?!…I learn so many new things every day!!) Here are so more Urban Dictionary terms for your educational pleasure.
the act in which you have anal sex with a female whilst she is throwing up in the toilet
last night we got so drunk that i ended up turkey basting my girl friend
When you orgasm multiple times onto a woman’s stomach. Using the pull out method. Then wiping off using a towel or other cloth.
I love turkey basting onto a woman’s stomach.
It also seems that a turkey baster is helpful for self love and maybe even pregnancy…
This is another home made sex toy favorite. The possibilities are almost endless and it is so much cheaper than anything sold at Adam & Eve or Priscilla’s. All the things you can do with this amazing invention via homemade sex toys:
1. Use it to suck your clit
Remove the rubber bulb, place the opening over your clitoris, and squeeze rhythmically. Use some water-based lube for more suction and sensation. Simulate oral sex or just get your clit pumped up and sensitive.
2. Use it to suck your dick
Guys, try the same thing on the head of your cock. It’s like a mouth sucking on just the end. With a soft rubber bulb you probably won’t hurt yourself, but be gentle.
3. Use it as a nipple pump
Use the bulb the same way to “pump” your partner’s nipples. Let suction hold the bulb in place, then pull it, hit it, or let it hang.
4. Hump the baster tube
Rub the plastic baster tube against your clitoris, over it, and on the sides. Raised markings on the tube will give extra stimulation.
5. Water massage
Use it to squirt streams of water onto your clit. Do it fast and you can get a “pulsing” effect going. It’s easiest to do this in the tub.
6. DIY ejaculating dildo
A baster is the easiest DIY ejaculating dildo. Squirt warm water (or something else) into your vagina. Use some real baby gravy if you want to get pregnant. Don’t penetrate too deep or poke too hard with the baster tip
7. Anal douche/ejaculating dildo
This could be either an anal douche in preparation for anal sex, or to simulate an ejaculation into the ass. Use caution when inserting the hard end of the baster into the anus, and make sure there aren’t sharp plastic edges that could cause damage.
8. Air stream
Use it to blow puffs of air on the clit or other sensitive areas. Note: Blow air on and around the outside of the vagina or anus. Blowing air into the vagina or anus could cause an embolism, which can be life-threatening.
9. Pussy thumping
Hold the baster by the tube and rub, thump, and tap your partner’s clit and pussy with the rubber bulb. Nothing like a little pussy spanking to get her warmed up.
10. Water torture
Tie up your partner and use the baster to drip cold water on his or her sensitive areas.
11. Serve a creampie
Otherwise known as “felching”. After coming inside your partner, use the baster to suck out your jizz. What you do with it after that is your business
12. Love Taps
Grab the baster by the tube and whack your partner on the butt or back. The rubber bulb makes a nice “thwack” but doesn’t hurt too much. If they’ve been very naughty, discipline them with the plastic baster tube – it has more sting.
13. Ball gag
Remove the rubber bulb and fill with tissues. Stick the closed end into your partner’s mouth.
14. Lube applicator
To prepare yourself for anal sex or fisting, suction some lube up into the baster and squirt it up into your ass.
15. Rub one out
Masturbate by rubbing the bulb on your clit. Stick the baster in your panties with the bulb between your legs, hold the baster tube like a dick, and pump it up and down like you’re jacking off, Drop some marbles or lead fishing weights into the bulb for vibration as well as friction.
7) “stuff the turkey”
And last but not least on my list….this one is for the more adventurous soul. For committed couples, stuffing the turkey is a self explanatory innuendo. For individuals or couples who like to try something different on the holidays, here is an idea also brought to you by Urban Dictionary.
On a more serious note, despite the confusion on why this holiday was actually started, Thanksgiving does have a meaningful purpose behind it. I am thankful for a lot of things…some big, some small, and some only significant to me. One of the things I am thankful for is having this blog to release some of my more insane/intimate thoughts and for having followers/readers who actually lend me your time by supporting this blog. This means a lot to me. So whether you celebrate this holiday or not, I hope you have a lot to be thankful for this season!!
Peace and love!!
It has just been announced…President Obama will serve his second term in the White House. He has just won the swing state of Ohio…giving him 275 electoral votes vs. Romney’s 203 electoral votes. All around the nation people are holding election viewing parties and they are either full of happy cheers right now or sullen faces trying to hold back tears and anger. And then there are houses like mine, which are filled with mix emotions…with some upset for Romney and others happy for Obama.
Looking back on this election season…one thing I can say is, that this election struck a personal nerve with so many people. I’ve seen family members and friends attacking each other over policies and political views. So glad that is now over. Whoever you vote for is your own prerogative and you can’t decide what is the best choice for another person. This election also had a sense of urgency…that whoever won this election would really decide the economic welfare of a nation. I voted early on Saturday and waited in line for an hour…others reported 2 hr waits…and 3 hour waits…but guess what…we all still waited. This election really showed how much every vote really counts. As a person who had to earn my right to vote, I was honored to be able to take part in such a historic election. This election, I didn’t really vote for myself because I feel like I would have been ok under either administration. As a registered Independent and as person who does not vote along party lines…I went back and forth this whole election season torn between who I would cast my vote for. As a self-employed person with 3 jobs, decent healthcare, a law degree, and secure financial standing…I realized how blessed I am. While I am not rich, I am also not poor, I don’t have kids who need to be fed, I am not affected by abortion laws or gun control or military cut backs or gay marriage…so I decided to vote on behalf of all those who had the most to lose in this election.
I honestly liked the Romney and Ryan team, so I would have welcomed him as President with no hard feelings, but I am also happy to say that I don’t have to. After tonight…my life will continue as usual. I will wake up at whatever time I want to and go in to work whenever I feel like it…I will continue to advocate in D.C. for people who don’t have a voice…I will continue to watch kdramas and blog till all hours of the night…and no matter who leads this great country, I will continue to be free to do so. Keep in mind that whether you are happy or sad regarding the election results, you still live in a great country…and unlike so many other people around this world, you will get to show your approval or criticism for the government when you get the opportunity to cast your vote again in the next 4 years.
I love men in suits. I love good looking older men in suits. I love to hear intelligent men debate back and forth on what they are passionate about. So of course I eagerly awaited the debates. Tonight was the first of 3 Presidential Debates. I took notes during the debate so excuse my shorthand and if I may have left out some of what was said. I assure you, I tried to take notes as unbiased as possible. Tonight’s debate was moderated by Jim Lehrer, the host of NewsHour on PBS, and it was hosted by the Univ. of Denver in Denver, Colorado.
My Notes on tonight’s debate:
1) What are the major differences between the two of you, in how you will create jobs?
Obama: invest in education and training, change tax codes, reduce deficits in balanced way, build up middle class
Romney: 5 basic parts -> 1) get US energy independent, 2) open S. America for trading and crack down on China, 3) work on education, 4) balance the budget, 5) champion small business and will not cut taxes for the wealthy
O: improve education system, keep tuition low, 2) lower corporate tax code, 3) look at energy sources like wind, solar, for the future
R: adamantly denies a $5 trillion tax cut and denies helping wealthy; claims gas, food, health care, etc. has gone up under Pres. Obama; wants to use clean coal, wants to open up gas lines in Alaska and bring in gas from Canada
O: Claims Romney can’t identify how he’s going to close loopholes and deductions from wealthy
R: will not reduce taxes paid by high income and will not increase taxes on middle class income; wants to bring down rates b/c small businesses are hurting b/c they are taxed at individual tax rates
O: wants to go back to Clinton’s tax cuts
2) What are the differences between the 2 of you, in how you are going to go about taking the deficit in the country?
R: 1) raise taxes, 2) cut spending, 3) lower spending
i. Will eliminate all programs that require borrowing money from China
ii. Will make gov’t run more efficient by combining agencies
iii. Claims President Obama has raised the deficit more than any other President in history
O: Said he came into the office which was already struggling from 2 wars being paid by credit card. Wants the wealthy to contribute more by raising taxes.
R: when you are in a recession, you shouldn’t raise taxes on anyone. When you raise taxes, you kill jobs. Raise revenue by providing more jobs.
O: Wants to take a balanced responsible approach. Oil industry gets $4 billion deductions…want to eliminate tax breaks for corporations. Don’t give tax cuts to companies who move production overseas. Help young people so they can afford to go to college.
R: Would like for states to manage Medicaid themselves, instead of the federal gov’t telling the states what to do with the money.
3) Do you see a major difference between the 2 of you on Social Security?
O: The basic structure of SS is sound. Don’t overpay insurance companies and providers, which lowered prescription cost.
R: Neither President or himself, are proposing any changes to current retirees. Claims Pres. Obama is reducing the program by $760 million.
O: Claims Romney will turn Medicare into a voucher program for future retirees. Which would give a voucher to seniors who can go out in marketplace and buy their own insurance, but problem is that voucher won’t keep up with inflation. Private insurance will also only recruit healthy seniors, while the others will be limited to Medicare and in the end, the Medicare system will collapse.
R: Doesn’t want to change Medicare for retirees but wants to give people in the future to have a choice between Medicare and a private insurance company. This provides competition into the Medicare world.
O: Seniors are generally happy with Medicare and private insurance has higher administrative costs and also needs to be paid. AARP claims that Romney’s plan weakens Medicare.
4) What is the view on federal regulations?
R: Regulations is essential for free economy. Thinks regulations should be changed in some areas and kept the same in others. Wants to replace some parts of Dodd Frank
O: The reason we are in such an enormous economy crisis is because of banks making money and churning out things, even they didn’t understand, so he regulated banks. Banks now how to repay all the help they received with interest.
R: Dodd Frank is killing small banks.
5) Romney wants the affordable health care act repealed, why?
R: The cost of health care needs to be dealt with and said that Obama care is increasing the cost of health care and insurance. Cuts $760 million from Medicare. Doesn’t like the idea of an elective board which tells people what procedures they can get. Also doesn’t like how it kills jobs. Wants to craft a plan at the state level that best benefits the state.
O: Group plans lower costs. Agrees that Mass. Had a successful group plan under Gov. Romney.
R: Claims Pres. pushed through a plan without a single Republican vote. Elaborated on the successes of his health care system in Mass. Some studies have shown that Obama care will cause people to lose jobs. Something this big has to be down on a bi-partisan basis.
O: This plan was a bipartisan affair and in fact was a Republican idea. The elective board is a group of doctors, health care experts, etc. who will try to determine how to tackle health care crisis and make costs of health care more effective. Healthcare premiums have gone up in the past 2 years but this is the slowest they have gone up in the last 15 years. Romney hasn’t described what he will replace Obama care with.
R: That he will be keeping certain aspects of Obama care such as, 1) preexisting conditions covered 2) young people can stay on family plan.
O: Calls Romney out for not detailing what he will replace Obama care with. He claims that the reason why Romney is keeping his “plans” secret is not because they are good.
R: Wants to lay out principles he wants to foster instead of coming in and telling people it’s “his way or the highway.” The fed’l gov’t coming in and taking care of health care for the entire nation should not be the way we go with health care.
6) Do you believe there is a fundamental difference in how you see the role of the federal gov’t?
O: 1) keep the citizens safe 2) create frameworks where citizens can succeed with free market but also thinks that if all Americans get opportunities the we will all benefit, 3) reform schools that are struggling and need more teachers
R: Mass. Is ranked #1 in schools. Role gov’t is promote and protect the constitution and declaration of independent…1) will not cut military 2) right for elders to be cared for 3)right to pursue individual dreams
7) Does fed gov’t play a role in education?
R: Wants fed’l funds to follow children
O: Completing training programs for jobs. Making college affordable
R: not making any changes to college tuitions. Questions why Pres put $90 billion in green jobs where a lot of failed, instead of putting the money into teachers and schools. Thinks we should grade schools so parents see which schools are failing.
8) Many of the legislative functions of fed’l gov’t are gridlocked. What would you do about that?
R: Sit down on day 1 and sit with both democrats and rep leaders to work together and find common ground.
O: will take ideas from anybody who will advance middle class families. That’s how we ended up war on Iraq and closing war in Afghanistan. Initiated 3 trade deals around the world to help promote USA goods. Being a leader is about having a plan.
O: Has faith in the American public. Wants everyone to play by the same rules and gets a fair shot at everything. Promised to fight every single day for the middle class like he has been doing in the last 4 years.
R: What kind of American do you want for you and your children…but 2 paths lead in very different directions. Thinks middle class will be squeezed under Pres, there will be chronic unemployment, Obama care will change health care, there will be a $716 million cut to health care, there will be dramatic cuts to military.
My Personal Thoughts:
Overall, I thought the presidential debates went very well tonight. I also found it interesting that Romney wore a red tie, which happened to match his crisp and strong demeanor tonight…while President Obama wore a blue tie, which also seemed to match his calm and collected attitude. The economy is a hot topic right now and both candidates know how important it is to win the middle class and they both reiterated over and over again what they would do to help out the middle class. Most Democrats love President Obama with a passion and while I can’t say that most Republicans love Romney…it seems clear that most Democrats will vote for President Obama and most Republicans will vote for whoever is running against the President.
So those are not the people who the President and Governor Romney are trying to sway. They are trying to sway and reach out to people like me, the Independents who could vote either way and who really make the difference in who wins the elections. I am 90% sure that I will be voting for President Obama this coming November….but with that being said I was extremely impressed by Romney tonight. He came out strong, confident, and made sure to get his point across…even to the point of talking over the moderator. Even though the President called him out for not having a plan or strategy on health care and improving job growth, I disagree….Romney did lay out the skeletons of his plan and I think Romney defended himself very well by repeating his successes in Massachusetts and by stating that he wants to work with everyone instead of making it “his way or the highway.” On the other hand, I don’t think the President came out as strong and he did not do a good job in explaining how he would get the economy back on track or even what he would do different in the next 4 years. The polls show that Romney is trailing behind the President, but I think that this debate has slowly closed that gap. The President was counting on making Romney seem less credible but I think the President under estimated Romney tonight. From news commentary, it seems that the Republicans were very pleased with Romney and the substance of his debate. He has also restored their confidences in him. If Romney continues to fire at the President just as strongly in the next 2 upcoming debates, as he did tonight, he will definitely win over a lot of indecisive Democrats and quite a few Independent voters and this upcoming election will be a very, very close one.
Oct. 11th: Vice Presidential Debates
Topic: Foreign and domestic policy
Air Time: 9:00-10:30 p.m. Eastern Time
Location: Centre College in Danville, Kentucky (Tickets )
Sponsor: Commission on Presidential Debates
Participants: Vice President Joe Biden and Congressman Paul Ryan
Moderator: Martha Raddatz (ABC News Chief Foreign Correspondent)