Evaluation of Self: The Lonely Girl


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Where were you when I cried myself to sleep, when I felt the walls caving in and control melt away?

Where were you when memories haunted me and nightmares visited at night?

Where were you when my insomnia refused to give me peace and the whole world abandoned me to simmer in my own thoughts?

Isn’t it ironic, that in a world where everyone has a cell phone, no one is picking up my phone call.

Were you blinded by my surface smile

As I convinced you that I was dancing…and happy…and beautiful?

Were you deafened by my laughter

As I covered my fears…and anxiety…and sadness?

How people are so easily fooled when they see all the glitter and the gloss but never the undercoat colors with which I paint myself.

No matter how many friends I have,  

Or how big my family is,

Or who I am dating,

Or how many shoes I buy,

Or how many cookies I eat,

On a Saturday night, I am still the lonely girl.

The girl that used to eat lunch by herself, play with rocks in the sand instead of other people,

I am still the girl that was teased for my big glasses and home-made haircut and hand me down clothes.

I am still the girl that uses words to escape to a place where no one can hurt me, like when they said I was ugly.

There is still a part of me, that no one can touch

There is still a pain that no hug can heal

An ache that no amount of alcohol can ease

And no one will ever know how I really feel.

I feel like I have my head under water and I can’t breath but I refuse to drown.

I feel lost…just so utterly lost and I have no GPS, no map, not even a freaking compass, and I’m driving on this road alone.

I feel like I want to sleep my days away, the type of sleep that numbs your mind and your senses.

I feel like I want to shred every paper and trash every insignificant thing in my life.

I feel like it’s Christmas Day and I am the only one still waiting on my gift, that never comes.

I feel like an orphan and no matter how much you tell me you love me and want me, a part of me will never believe you.

I want to run away…from these walls…from these emotions…from these headaches,

I want to escape my life…and leave myself behind.

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About ksoranna

Ksoranna is the ideal version of myself. She is me...but better...smarter...funnier...sexier...

Posted on March 16, 2013, in A Penny for my Thoughts and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Hi ksoranna, normally I just read your posts and wonder/fantasize about what it would be like to really know you. This post however gives me the … courage to post a comment. Is this just a poem? Is this really how you feel? I want to say it can’t be based on other posts but then again you said just because it looks one way didn’t mean it isn’t… if this is how you really feel I’d love to help you not be a lonely girl. I’m also confused at the ending pic about people I sometimes feel this way myself. Reading a lot of your post I to feel the same way about people. I wonder if your like that in person? Moreso to the point of my reason for posting… how are you feeling currently? I’d give more than a penny for your thoughts daily!

    • @blogman8…thank you for taking the time to read this post and to really appreciate it. I wrote this post over a year ago but yes, sometimes I still revert back to the “lonely girl”. It’s a part of me that most people will never know…a feeling that I have…that I can never truly escape. In my personal and professional life I always have to put on a brave exterior and I spend so much energy into making sure everyone else is ok, but because I look so put together, no one questions my facade. And as to how I feel about people…I’m the introvert that could spend all day hiding behind a computer. I have really bad anxiety and I don’t care for most people and I hate big crowds…but that is where my alter ego “ksoranna” comes in. She is the reason I can make a speech or stand in front of a crowd, after spending the morning throwing up from anxiety….she is the reason I can go on dates and smile and flirt, after spending an hour second guessing my confidence as every outfit seems to highlight my insecurities…etc.

      I had no idea that people were still reading this blog. I’ve still been writing but have been keeping my thoughts more private, but I’m working on finding the courage to blog again. So hopefully soon, I’ll be posting again.

      • Wow you do not seem that way at all I bet your the life of party everywhere you go…. I wish I could help keep you pepped up. Like someone you could share your true feelings with… without the weird aspects a person expects… just someone you wouldn’t have to put the facade up with or who you disnt jave to do that with.

        I’m not trying to make a move on you or anything true me, just dnt like to know there’s someone out there that’s depressed… depression can kill you know…..
        Thanks for responding to me! I may respond to some of your other posts. Which should I respond to next?!

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