As I am waiting for my asparagus wrapped in bacon to cook…and as some are relaxing after a big meal…or maybe taking a break from family and friends to read blogs…I figured I would add a little spice to your festivities. 🙂 I am not a parent. I am not even in a relationship…but you should totally ignore the disclaimer “warning” above and practice plenty of thanksgiving innuendos. In fact to make up for the poor folks at home, like me, who won’t be getting anyone to “eat my pie”…you should totally practice thanksgiving sex. Here are some ideas… and no I’m not a sitophilia (someone who derives sexual pleasure from food). I think whatever sitophilia I had, went away after the whole cucumber incident. But if you try any of these out and really enjoy it…then you have me to thank for helping you discover a part of yourself. Enjoy! 🙂
1) “clean the carrot”
I’ve done a lot of things in the name of self love…but I will have to admit cleaning the carrot was not one of them. You can “clean the carrot” a few different ways. Two obvious ones that come to mind are using a carrot as a dildo for vaginal penetration or for anal pleasure. But DON”T use the sharp end of the carrot (especially with anal penetration) because you don’t want to tear or bruise delicate skin. It really helps if you “clean the carrot” first by scrubbing the top layer of skin and then rubbing some lubricant on it. If you are worried about being strange for using a carrot to help you masturbate…just know, you are not alone. A carrot is no stranger to masturbation, see the links here to verify: What else can you masturbate with instead of a dildo, Is it normal to use a carrot to masturbate?, and you are joined by numerous porn stars who love using carrots as dildos, just Google to find out.
Plus no one loves carrots as much as this lady…
And the carrot must be a good lover because this woman has the carrot tattooed 35 times all over her body…she has definitely committed to them for life.
2) “eat the pie”
Damn, I wish someone would just come over and “eat my pie.” Or shit, at least come over and give me pie so I can eat it myself….wait…nevermind… Or how about you can come over with pie and you can eat two things at the same time. But you should probably put cling wrap over the vagina, unless you want to risk a yeast infection. Eating someone’s pie has long been a holiday favorite I’m sure. For some folks, it is the only time they really get their pie eaten. As “defined” by Urban Dictionary, there are a few ways to eat the pie, such as:
performing oral sex on a menstruating female.
Looks like Johnny’s been having a pie-eating contest.
or the usual
And some people also like cream with their pie too 🙂
3) “mash the potatoes”
I’ve never experienced mash potatoes in the bedroom. According to Urban Dictionary, this term means to either…
Of course, you can also refer to this term when potatoes are actually mashing like here… (the fact that someone actually sculpted mash potatoes into a sexual position….makes me feel better about my freaky mind).
4) “butter the corn”
The corn is another favorite replacement dildo. It’s so popular they actually have made corn inspired dildos now.
I swear I never knew people could get turned on by corn…but I guess if you look at corn closely it does resemble a part of the male anatomy. And you would butter the corn the usual way… with your mouth or another pair of lips, of course.
5) “cover with nuts”
Do I really have to explain this one??? “Nuts” are sometimes used to describe testicles, thus “nutting” is another term used to describe when a male ejaculates. Because a male’s ejaculation can be trajectory, the male’s partner can be covered in nuts or it can be directed at a particular part of his partner’s body. This method of showering their partner with nuts, seems to be a main staple in the porn industry, so there is plenty of video documentary on this if you need to do more research.
6) “squeeze the turkey baster”
Wow…I really hope you all have already eaten Thanksgiving dinner…because reading about turkey basting may cause you to never look at a turkey baster the same way again. Just a warning. So I never knew that a turkey baster could have so many sexual uses or there would be so many sexual references to it. (Where do these people come up with this stuff?!…I learn so many new things every day!!) Here are so more Urban Dictionary terms for your educational pleasure.
the act in which you have anal sex with a female whilst she is throwing up in the toilet
last night we got so drunk that i ended up turkey basting my girl friend
When you orgasm multiple times onto a woman’s stomach. Using the pull out method. Then wiping off using a towel or other cloth.
I love turkey basting onto a woman’s stomach.
It also seems that a turkey baster is helpful for self love and maybe even pregnancy…
This is another home made sex toy favorite. The possibilities are almost endless and it is so much cheaper than anything sold at Adam & Eve or Priscilla’s. All the things you can do with this amazing invention via homemade sex toys:
1. Use it to suck your clit
Remove the rubber bulb, place the opening over your clitoris, and squeeze rhythmically. Use some water-based lube for more suction and sensation. Simulate oral sex or just get your clit pumped up and sensitive.
2. Use it to suck your dick
Guys, try the same thing on the head of your cock. It’s like a mouth sucking on just the end. With a soft rubber bulb you probably won’t hurt yourself, but be gentle.
3. Use it as a nipple pump
Use the bulb the same way to “pump” your partner’s nipples. Let suction hold the bulb in place, then pull it, hit it, or let it hang.
4. Hump the baster tube
Rub the plastic baster tube against your clitoris, over it, and on the sides. Raised markings on the tube will give extra stimulation.
5. Water massage
Use it to squirt streams of water onto your clit. Do it fast and you can get a “pulsing” effect going. It’s easiest to do this in the tub.
6. DIY ejaculating dildo
A baster is the easiest DIY ejaculating dildo. Squirt warm water (or something else) into your vagina. Use some real baby gravy if you want to get pregnant. Don’t penetrate too deep or poke too hard with the baster tip
7. Anal douche/ejaculating dildo
This could be either an anal douche in preparation for anal sex, or to simulate an ejaculation into the ass. Use caution when inserting the hard end of the baster into the anus, and make sure there aren’t sharp plastic edges that could cause damage.
8. Air stream
Use it to blow puffs of air on the clit or other sensitive areas. Note: Blow air on and around the outside of the vagina or anus. Blowing air into the vagina or anus could cause an embolism, which can be life-threatening.
9. Pussy thumping
Hold the baster by the tube and rub, thump, and tap your partner’s clit and pussy with the rubber bulb. Nothing like a little pussy spanking to get her warmed up.
10. Water torture
Tie up your partner and use the baster to drip cold water on his or her sensitive areas.
11. Serve a creampie
Otherwise known as “felching”. After coming inside your partner, use the baster to suck out your jizz. What you do with it after that is your business
12. Love Taps
Grab the baster by the tube and whack your partner on the butt or back. The rubber bulb makes a nice “thwack” but doesn’t hurt too much. If they’ve been very naughty, discipline them with the plastic baster tube – it has more sting.
13. Ball gag
Remove the rubber bulb and fill with tissues. Stick the closed end into your partner’s mouth.
14. Lube applicator
To prepare yourself for anal sex or fisting, suction some lube up into the baster and squirt it up into your ass.
15. Rub one out
Masturbate by rubbing the bulb on your clit. Stick the baster in your panties with the bulb between your legs, hold the baster tube like a dick, and pump it up and down like you’re jacking off, Drop some marbles or lead fishing weights into the bulb for vibration as well as friction.
7) “stuff the turkey”
And last but not least on my list….this one is for the more adventurous soul. For committed couples, stuffing the turkey is a self explanatory innuendo. For individuals or couples who like to try something different on the holidays, here is an idea also brought to you by Urban Dictionary.
On a more serious note, despite the confusion on why this holiday was actually started, Thanksgiving does have a meaningful purpose behind it. I am thankful for a lot of things…some big, some small, and some only significant to me. One of the things I am thankful for is having this blog to release some of my more insane/intimate thoughts and for having followers/readers who actually lend me your time by supporting this blog. This means a lot to me. So whether you celebrate this holiday or not, I hope you have a lot to be thankful for this season!!
Peace and love!!
Posted on November 22, 2012, in A Penny for my Thoughts, Love Out Loud, Mind Fuck and tagged Erotica, Fetishes, Sex, Sexual Ideas, Sexual Innuendos, sitophilia, Thanksgiving, Urban Dictionary. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.