LOVE AFTER LOVE (Derek Walcott)
“The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life. (emphasis added)“
Hello again my dear friends. I wanted to introduce you to one of my favorite poems, “Love After Love”, by Derek Walcott. It has been a long time since we last communicated and in the last 4 years, I have been busy greeting myself at my own front door, over and over again.
Truly greeting yourself, and deciding to love the deeps depths of your physical being and all the colors of your soul, is not easy. If it were, there wouldn’t be so many self-help books and Instagram quotes about it. A few years ago I was dealing with a lot of personal struggles and when I came across this poem, it inspired me to really love myself, really love my life and somehow obtain a level of happiness that I wasn’t sure even existed. I didn’t know how to even start. I saw this poem as an internal goal that I would probably never come close to achieving but something I still hoped for.
The timing was never “the right time” to fully feast on my life. I thought I needed to grow professionally, build on my life goals, strengthen my close relationships, work on a healthier body, and learn to forgive past pains. Don’t make the same mistake I did, as I have spent years waiting for the right time to fully embrace myself, my life, my love, and my happiness. It took me creating life and finally experiencing unconditional love for another being to realize that it was possible to have that same unconditional love for myself. Me, loving myself unconditionally, is still a project I am working on but the time has come where I can finally greet myself with elation. I feel more beautiful, more vibrant, more alive, more significant than I have ever felt before. After years of always hungering for more, today I am feasting on my life.
If you are waiting for the right time, I challenge you to greet yourself every morning, as sometimes the minutes in-between each sunrise can minimize your strengths, make you question your values, re-examine your relationships…still feast on your life. Know that you can continue to grow professionally, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally while loving yourself without any conditions and limits. Welcome both the changes and constants in your life. Praise yourself like you would your best friend. Forgive yourself like you would a close family member, who would never apologize for any wrongdoing, but you forgive anyways. Little by little, time after time, take back the pieces of your heart, whether you had given them to an unappreciating lover, unapologetic relationship, unfulfilling job, materialism, or a higher presence that left you empty. Return the pieces of your heart to yourself, for you are most deserving of your unconditional love. And one day, I hope you greet yourself with elation and feast on your life until your heart is full.
February 16, 2014: I felt trapped. Suffocating in a relationship that no longer had a future; with a man I had long fallen out of love with. Two days after Valentine’s Day and the only thing I was looking forward to was my move out date in 6 days. There is nothing harder than having a one-sided relationship with a man who won’t meet you halfway; nothing more heartbreaking than kissing a man who won’t kiss back; nothing more pathetic than crying alone on my side of the bed when he was less than an arm’s length away.
April 26, 2014: I turned 29. One year away from the big 30 and even with all that I had accomplished, I still felt dissatisfied with my life. But that was nothing new. Growing up, I always wanted more for myself and more out of the life I was so blessed to have. But that weekend was more than about me feeling like I was stuck in a rut; it was also the weekend I found out my good friend passed away…the day after I saw him for my birthday dinner. Even now, replaying the moment I heard the news still brings tears to my eyes. I still remember for my 26th birthday, he got to work early to blow up balloons and decorate my desk area to surprise me.
That was the kind of friend he was. He sat next to me for almost 2 years and kept me laughing and my spirits high every day that we worked together. When I moved into my first apartment alone, he gave me a really nice glass set. Till this day, it is still the glass set I drink from. It is so hard to explain what it feels like to see someone arriving on their customary motorcycle, to eat and laugh, to hug them good-bye…like you two have done for the last 5 years, only to find out that they got into a fatal motorcycle accident the next morning. As much as his friendship affected my life; his death affected it even more. Now more than before, I understood the meaning of cherishing every moment, appreciating every friendship, and most importantly to truly love living. It was at that moment, I knew I had to worry less about the future, enjoy the present, and pursue my daydreams even harder.
July 10, 2014: For the first time in my life, I stepped onto European soil. After a year of planning, saving, and daydreaming about the moment; it passes by in a blink of an eye. My best friend and I spent the next 2 weeks exploring Rome, Barcelona, and Madrid and it was a life changing experience; as most international travels always are. There is no way I can put into words what it feels like to walk down a cobblestone street listening to beautiful Italian accents, while enjoying an authentic gelato with my best friend, under a beautiful sun, with the iconic Roman Colosseum in sight. There is nothing as refreshing as “summer wine” in Madrid after a long, hot day or as delicious as spicy potato fritters at Bar Nuria (http://http://www.nuria.com/en/#_=_) while people watching in Barcelona. It is every bit as amazing as I had imagined it would be and exactly the break from my real life that I needed. If you are ever presented with the opportunity to travel internationally, do it!! It will bring more value to your life than any designer purse, spa day, or luxury car that will only depreciate over time. Traveling opens your eyes to sights not seen on tv and enlightens your soul, like few other things in this world can.
July 26, 2014: I had fallen in love/in lust with a married man. In life you always say there are certain things you will never do, certain lines you will never cross but the older I’ve gotten, the more I realize that list gets shorter and shorter as I continue to break all the imaginary “rules” I laid out for myself. We spent all day at the beach and it was like a scene from a movie. A wonderful, sweet, sappy, and romantic movie. We laid out on the beach, frolicked among the waves, and kissed on the shoreline as the waves crashed against our laps.
Some people are in your life for a reason and he helped to remind me of what amazing chemistry felt like, what passion and love could be like…with the right person. He wasn’t the “right” person, but when he touched me, it felt like magic. When he kissed me and made love to me, I thought of nothing and no one else. We were both so deprived of intimacy, that we poured all of that need into each other. I had more orgasms in the few months I was with him, then I did in the year before I met him. He looked at me and I felt beautiful. When I had a bad day, he would make a point to send me funny videos. When I got discouraged, he would push and motivate me. He always believed that I would go on to do bigger and better things, sometimes more than I did. In the shortest time, he somehow colored my world more than he will ever know.
October 1, 2014: I found out I didn’t get the promotion at work. I was beyond insulted and thought I was more qualified than some of the others who got the promotion. I didn’t know it at the time, but this event was the main catalyst that would propel me to start looking outside my comfort zone. Looking back, I am so thankful that I didn’t get this promotion because if I did, I would have stayed in the same city I grew up in, surrounded by my family and friends, and my life would have completely taken another path than the journey I am on now.
October 27, 2014: The day that changed my life forever and I hated him. I wished he would get hit by a semi-truck and be forever paralyzed from the neck down. If my life were a reality show; this episode would be the season finale. I became every single crazy woman stereotype and continued breaking all of my “rules”. Catch him in multiple lies and stay with him – check. Catch him cheating and stay with him – check. Allow yourself to be in a love triangle and stay with him – check. Drive over to his house banging on the door and screaming at the top of your lungs at 2 in the morning – check. Try to get your roommate and 4 of his big friends to threaten the guy – check. Ask your pregnant sister if you could please have some of her urine so you can pretend to be pregnant – check. Out of every dark storm, there is a silver lining and my sanity was saved by the most unlikeliest person. “The other woman” made me a stronger person; she became my support group when I felt like I had no one else who could understand me. Despite all the hurt and anger, we became friends as he becomes a distant memory. Some days it is still a struggle to not think of him and as I feel that dark anger and sadness start to engulf me, she reminds me….everything will be ok, everything will get better, and I am beautiful and amazing and loved. We still talk on a regular basis and I know that, even though the bonds that tie us together are dark and ugly, we will be friends for the rest of our lives.
November 17, 2014: I got the job! Everything happened in a whirlwind. Things were so bad at my last job that one day I went home and applied to 6 open positions. My best friend kept talking about the DC area and out of desperation, I just happened to apply to 2 jobs in the DC area that I found through LinkedIn. I got a phone interview that Thursday and an in person interview the following Monday. I walked into the firm and it felt like home; like I belonged there. I came home after the interview and told my roommate that the job was made for me and I don’t know who could have been more of a better candidate. I logged into my email to write out a thank you letter and had an offer waiting for me…4 hours after I had left my interview. Three weeks later, I moved to an unfamiliar city where I barely knew anyone and just prayed that I had made a good decision and that this move was for the best. Two months later, and I am happy to proclaim that this was the best decision I have ever made for myself.
February 14, 2015: I had a great Valentine’s Day. To think that just a year ago, I was dreading Valentine’s Day. I was getting over a cold at the same time that I was getting over my relationship. I woke up to a card, chocolates, and cough drops. Fast forward a year and I am enjoying Spanish tapas and refreshing sangrias, with one of the sweetest and most understanding guys I’ve ever met. We are laughing, he’s speaking Spanish to me, I am watching the snow falling outside, and he’s rubbing my bare feet that fit so comfortably on his lap. He knows parts of me that are dark, sees the tension that these secrets bring to me, and accepts me and my baggage wholeheartedly. He kisses me, touches me, and all the anger of the last 5 months slips away. I am still learning what his purpose in my life is, but he is giving me something to believe in again.
February 16, 2015: I am free. I love my new job. I love my new city. I am starting to love my body again. I have two international trips planned. My writer’s block has finally been lifted and I’m writing again. At this moment, all seems right in my life and I could not ask for anything more. I am happier than I have been in a long time.
For some people “will you marry me”
Is not a virgin term that escapes from their lips.
It serves to be only the tip
Of the matter that leads to disaster
And they wonder why, you wonder if
“I love you” is just a script
That seems so easily to drip from their lips.
For some people there is no “one and only”
Forever only you will hold me
Forever and always is just a trick tease
That speeds up your heartbeat
And then passes by
Just like a quick breeze.
And they wonder why, you wonder if
This love for you will also soon cease.
There is that reality that before you
There was her.
There was laughing and kissing
That had his toes curling
And ears ringing
And it was her name he was singing
With praises so high.
Her shadow follows your every move
From the way you cook to the way you clean
To the words you say and
How your actions may seem
To be like hers
Or maybe nothing like hers
If it suits his mood.
This may be a good or bad thing
Depending on memories it may allude
Like the times he missed her so much
He could have cried
Or the way her hair fell in waves
Before it dried into
The strands of joy that would caress his face
In the same bed
That he invites you to share with him.
And in the quiet moments
I get to thinking
And all the ways he used to love her, sinks in
To my brain, my heart
And I can’t stop, once I start.
He used to kiss her lips with a fever
Erased all doubt from her mind
And made her a believer
Of his words, his touches…
And the ring on her finger
A memory that still lingers
In the box that I found near the bed
Leftovers from two people unwed.
And he wonders why, I wonder if
An ending between us could occur
When I don’t have to look far to see
That before me, there was her.
Where were you when I cried myself to sleep, when I felt the walls caving in and control melt away?
Where were you when memories haunted me and nightmares visited at night?
Where were you when my insomnia refused to give me peace and the whole world abandoned me to simmer in my own thoughts?
Isn’t it ironic, that in a world where everyone has a cell phone, no one is picking up my phone call.
Were you blinded by my surface smile
As I convinced you that I was dancing…and happy…and beautiful?
Were you deafened by my laughter
As I covered my fears…and anxiety…and sadness?
How people are so easily fooled when they see all the glitter and the gloss but never the undercoat colors with which I paint myself.
No matter how many friends I have,
Or how big my family is,
Or who I am dating,
Or how many shoes I buy,
Or how many cookies I eat,
On a Saturday night, I am still the lonely girl.
The girl that used to eat lunch by herself, play with rocks in the sand instead of other people,
I am still the girl that was teased for my big glasses and home-made haircut and hand me down clothes.
I am still the girl that uses words to escape to a place where no one can hurt me, like when they said I was ugly.
There is still a part of me, that no one can touch
There is still a pain that no hug can heal
An ache that no amount of alcohol can ease
And no one will ever know how I really feel.
I feel like I have my head under water and I can’t breath but I refuse to drown.
I feel lost…just so utterly lost and I have no GPS, no map, not even a freaking compass, and I’m driving on this road alone.
I feel like I want to sleep my days away, the type of sleep that numbs your mind and your senses.
I feel like I want to shred every paper and trash every insignificant thing in my life.
I feel like it’s Christmas Day and I am the only one still waiting on my gift, that never comes.
I feel like an orphan and no matter how much you tell me you love me and want me, a part of me will never believe you.
I want to run away…from these walls…from these emotions…from these headaches,
I want to escape my life…and leave myself behind.
Today in a world of instant technology, millions of eyes were glued on a smoke stack, and when white smoke was finally seen at 2:06pm (ET)…millions of eyes were glued to the red curtains. They were not awaiting a politician or a movie star…but a religious figure. In a world where there is a drastic separation between church and state, no one questioned network TV and public radio spending hours and days covering the news of a religious event. In a world where religion often takes a back seat…this was a welcome change.
It is really hard to explain the feelings I have right now. It is just such an overwhelming feeling, I can describe it only as “epic.” This is the first year I was able to watch the beginning of Conclave and the revealing of the new Pope live and the video and pictures from the moment are so ceremonious and so beautiful, it looks likes something out of a movie. The crowd at St. Peter’s Square is filled beyond capacity. Thousands braved the cold and the rain to witness such a momentous moment in history. Once the crowd let out a roar and lights appeared behind the curtain…for those following moments, I did not Facebook, I did not Tweet, I did not text. Like millions of other people, I just took in the essence of the moment and simply watched the red curtains in anticipation for the new leader of the Catholic Church.
This was my first introduction to Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina…a man who will now forever be known as Pope Francis (the 1st). He seemed humble and very personable. It is noted that he is a known for his work with the poor and is supported among liberal cardinals. The new Pope asked the people of the world to pray for him and there was a hush among the crowd and it is hard to fathom the sense of overwhelming prayers that were offered in living rooms, in cars, at work…from people all around the world.
I don’t know how non-Catholics view this moment and I am sure some don’t understand the reason why a man is being revered my millions. But as a Catholic myself, I feel like this is the moment the Church needed. All the reporters kept proclaiming how the Church is at a crossroads, and it is very true. I don’t think it was coincidence that Pope Francis is the first Latin American Pope and I hope the new Pope is able to guide The Church into the modern world and that he will be able to address issues, such as women leaders in the church, homosexuality, and the decline of Catholics around the world. Being Pope is no “dream job.” Pope Francis, from this moment to probably the day he dies will be the spiritual leader for about 1.2 billion Catholics around the world. Everyday for the rest of his life, he will “learn the sorrows of the world”…he will not only have to have a “special depth of faith” that few men can handle, he will also have to govern and appoint necessary leaders to help guide and strengthen The Church. And the Catholic Church is not just “a” church, it is “the” Church which has been established in tradition going back centuries, is the beacon of faith for people from the Americas to Africa to Asia, it leads the rich and the poor, the young and the old. Tonight, regardless of the color of their skin or the language of their land, millions of Catholics will pray in solidarity for the new Pope, and I will be one of them.
NOTE TO READERS: I do NOT usually write religious based posts and will probably not write very many. While I always welcome any new followers, I wanted to put out this disclaimer for anyone who decides to follow this blog, based on this religious content…otherwise you will be a little “shocked” to read what email notifications you will be getting. 🙂
Yes, I actually made those…and yes, I am the photographer also. I have so many skills, sometimes I even amaze myself. So anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a cooking/baking/anything domestic-type woman. I am more the sleep all day/eat at fancy restaurants/wants the man to cook and clean-type woman…BUT today I made an exception…for HIM and he better appreciate it!!! (OMG…I am obviously very pathetic and crazy about this guy…ugh, I hate when I get ridiculous like this!) I know these cupcakes may not look like a big deal, but they are. Why?? Because I don’t even like grocery shopping and I went grocery shopping 2 days in a row, and I spent time mixing and actually baking, and even braved rush hour traffic and the grocery crowd to make these!! If he doesn’t like these, he better fake it and act like they taste professional!!
And if he breaks up with me 2 weeks from now, I will slit his tires and burn all his shit!! LOL…just playing, I’m not that crazy. OK, I am gonna stop rambling now…here is the recipe.
CUPCAKES (This made exactly 22 cupcakes)
- 1 cup all purpose flour
- 3/4 cup self-rising flour (or you can make your own, which is 3/4 cup flour and 1 Tblespoon baking powder and 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
- 1 1/4 cup sugar
- 2 large eggs
- 2 1/2 Tblespoon fresh lime juice
- 1 Tblespoon finely grated lime peel
- 1/4 teaspoon neon-green food coloring
- 3/4 cup buttermilk (or you can make your own, which is 3/4 cup mils and 3/4 Tblespoon lemon juice)
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line standard muffin pan with paper liners. Whisk both flours in medium bowl. Beat butter in large bowl until smooth. Add sugar; beat to blend. Beat in eggs 1 at a time, then next 3 ingredients (batter may look curdled). Beat in flour mixture in 3 additions alternately with buttermilk in 2 additions. Spoon scant 1/3 cup batter in each liner. –> Ok so I basically ignored all of these step by step directions and just put everything in at the same time and mixed it. My cupcakes are still pretty good and fluffy.
2. Bake cupcakes until tester inserted into center comes out clean, 20-25 min. Cool for 10 min. Frost as desired.
- 1 cup butter
- 2 cups sugar (this is an estimate, I basically added sugar until the frosting looked thick enough)
- 3 drops of coconut flavoring
- coconut flakes, if desired (I put in like 2 cups of coconut flakes, and it was WAY too much and my frosting came out very thick and it was heard to pipe)
- food coloring (optional –> I didn’t use food coloring)
1. Soften butter
2. Add sugar and butter. Stir until smooth.
3. Add flavoring and food coloring. Stir.
4. Refrigerate overnight.
As an extra topping, I crushed graham crackers and sprinkled it on top.
Props go to my little sister for doing the actual icing. Hope you enjoy! And Happy Birthday to my boyfriend!! (Gosh, after being single for over 3 years, that word still sounds foreign coming out of my mouth.)
I had a blind date last night and I was praying to God the whole day that I would NOT have a good time. Why?? Because I was crazy about this other guy and I didn’t want any more confusion in my dating life, but at the same time I had to go on the blind date, otherwise I would be thinking “what if” the entire time.
I walked in 10 minutes late and there he was sitting at the bar. Damn, not only was I not stood up, he was there early. I went up gave him a hug and we moved to a table. I looked at him and made a mental scowl and thought, “Damn, I knew God was not going to listen to me.” The dude looked like he walked straight out of a J. Crew catalog, with his blonde hair, blue eyes and perfect straight, white teeth. I never did trust people with perfect straight, white teeth…that is so unnatural.
Right from the beginning the date was a slow disaster waiting to unravel. We sat down and he asked if I was looking forward to this date and I said, “No, I was actually hoping you were going to be ugly and boring…that was my prayer for today.” He just looked at me with that awkward pause playing in the background as the poor guy struggled to find the words to follow up my unexpected comment. In my head I’m like, “Fuck. Ksoranna is on this date and she is going to continue to say crazy things and embarrass me this whole time.” And sure enough, that is exactly what happened. At one point he said that I was being too “negative” and to stop offering him advice on his career path. I told him he had a shitty phone…he didn’t like that I insulted his iPhone very much. I told him that he needs to quit his job…he didn’t like that I insulted his career choice. I told him that he needs to approach women more and not be scared of confrontation…he didn’t like that I called him out for being a pussy.
I actually thought he was going to get up and leave the table because we were going back and forth so much. This is so typically of 2 people who are both stubborn Taurus’. Why do I continue to date people with my horoscope…I don’t know if it’s a coincidence that we never seem to get along. I even warned him about my split personality disorder and he said that I was so weird and that fact was a little “creepy.” Yes, he actually used the word creepy to refer to Ksoranna. She was not too happy about that and was about to really give him a piece of her mind, but I had to calm her down. This was almost as bad as the date where the guy said on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being bat shit crazy, I was probably about a 6 or 7 and where one guy asked me if I was on any medication, to which I confidently responded to with a “yes and I don’t think it’s strong enough for me”. The only thing me and blind date dude agreed upon was religion…yay for the Catholic Church. I am glad he wants to marry in the Church though I feel sorry for whoever agrees to marry him. I have been single for about 3 years. This dude has been single since high school!! That is a definite red flag. He was soo incredible boring, and judgmental, and not funny in a douche bag kind of way. I told him that I wasn’t much of a people person and that I’m not really comfortable on dates and he responded, “yea I can see that.” When the check came he said there was a basketball game he was trying to catch. That is usually my line for why I am running to the door marked exit, so I knew there would definitely not be a 2nd date. Actually I knew it was over when he insulted my love of Jeremy Lin and said my panda bear earmuffs were childish!! How can you insult Jeremy Lin AND my panda bear earmuffs?! Well I missed a Houston Rockets game last night for nothing!!
Despite all that, I was glad I went on this date. As I was driving home, I realized how much I hate dating. It is usually so awkward and uncomfortable and there are only like 5% potentials and the rest of the 95% are made up of “hell no’s”, “probably gay”, “insecure”, or “friend zone material.” So it is really rare that I make a genuine connection with someone…and it is even rarer that the feelings are mutual. And I already had this connection with someone (let’s call him Home Depot) so why was I even entertaining other dates which would probably fall into the 95% category anyways. I feel like God always is testing me to see where my heart is at. For example there was this other guy…he was half Asian, tall, also a lawyer, also Catholic, unfortunately also a Taurus…basically had all the qualities on my list. And funny that God made him available to me after I met Home Depot. I’m not gonna lie, it made me hesitate for a little bit but then I realized who cares about the color of his skin or his height or his religion…I’ve never gotten along with any Asian Catholics anyways!! So I called up Home Depot and told him that I had to see him. Once I got there he asked me how my date went (yes, I am very honest and open with everyone I am dating) and I basically said, “it was uncomfortable and awkward and weird…don’t ever make me go on those dates again…I just want to be yours.” And that’s how the guy who didn’t fit any of my requisites snagged Ksoranna…oh and the fact that I actually like kissing him and he accepts my multiple personalities and Jeremy Lin love and all my guy friends and lizard man voice, doesn’t hurt either.
Dating me is like a roller coaster and not for the faint of heart…or as one of my best friends said “Only the strong survive!” It usually starts out unexpected and ends up being like the ocean…smooth sailing at times, sometimes beautiful and relaxing to be around, and then stormy and tumultuous on some days. I’m sure, this one will be no different.
I can’t promise Home Depot anything. Some days I may be passionate and affectionate, like Ksoranna, other days I may be in love with Jeremy Lin and my korean dramas, like Anna and other days I may be all about work and could care less about men, like Miss Esquire. All I know is that I finally found someone who I WANT to see and can’t get enough of. This feeling may last 2 weeks, 2 years or forever…but I am willing to take that chance. And for me…right now, this brings me happiness and that is enough.
Facebook is like all the headlines of the day’s news…except it’s of people that you actually know. You find out who just had a baby, who got a job promotion, who lost a loved one, who bought a new house, and who is getting married. Well it’s official…he’s engaged…to someone other than me. Although I knew that fact was coming soon, I still felt unprepared for the news.
Our love was before the time of cell phones and txt messages and Facebook and MySpace. Our love blossomed between the lines of notebook papers written after rushed class assignments and passed in between hallways. I still have every letter he wrote me in our 2 and half years…and I still have every email and message he has written me since. Even after our relationship ended, we built a friendship that spanned past college graduations and law school struggles. Yes ironically, he ended up being a lawyer too…a passion he never discovered until after our break up, but one I would like to think that I influenced. I used to call him on holidays and every birthday. I’ve never forgotten his birthday and I wonder if I ever will…February 7th. He will be 29 this year.
I am happy for him…really I am. I am happy for her, since he is probably twice the man that I used to know and the man that I knew was pretty fucking amazing. If our future depends on the foundation of our pasts, then because of him, my foundation has strength, friendship, values, and worth. I am no longer that 16 year old girl but my current 27 year old woman status still adheres to the worth that he saw in me. It is probably for that reason that I have remained single for as long as I have. I know my value and I will not settle for less.
I am numb. Even though we haven’t spoken in a while, it just now hit me that he is no longer mine. I will always be remembered as his high school sweetheart and we will hug and speak pleasantries if we should ever meet again…but he is now officially hers. I wonder if this is how he felt when he heard about my engagement and was he secretly happy when he found out that there would be no marriage for me. I knew this day would come…when we would finally part ways and the memory of our young love quickly fades away…even more so then they already have. I knew from the moment I saw their picture that she would replace me completely and from that day forth, I would linger only on old photos that he no longer looks at. He has finally found “the one” worthy enough to replace me. As for me…I am still searching.
To say that January has not been my month, would be an understatement. I have not been blogging because I’ve been in such angry, sad, and lonely moods that I didn’t want to unload all my negativity onto this blog…but I guess if I can’t rant here, then where else do I have to go. While my New Year’s Eve has been great…the rest of January quickly unraveled around me. My youngest sister had to be hospitalized in a mental health clinic for a week so that she wouldn’t commit suicide, I lost my job for about a week and it made me question where I was going with my life, my mother quit her job and now my family’s financial situation has been really stressful…and this is just the big stuff.
My fuse has been really, really short and unfortunately my closest friends and family had to deal with my wrath. I have been walking around like a ticking time bomb, ready to explode at everyone and everything. During tough times, you realize who your friends are, who is there for you…and who is not. I absolutely do not tolerate gay jokes. There are so many people out here who suffer because of their sexual orientation, who are told their love is wrong or that they are going to hell or are constantly bullied. The idea of losing my youngest sister to such senseless hate…the feeling of anger that it caused inside of me is indescribable. You also realize how selfish some people are and unfortunately sometimes those people are family. My sister’s medical bills are in the THOUSANDS of dollars and of course health insurance doesn’t cover 100%. You think my other siblings would come together to help, especially with my mother not working and my father being forced to work overtime, in his frail state. But NO…it is “not her responsibility” were her exact words to me. What do you mean it’s not your responsibility?! They are your parents!! I swear she is the most selfish person I know!! Did I mention she lives at home for FREE!!! So of course, me being the oldest…the one who is already more than $100,000 in debt, the one who lost the job, the one who has expenses out the ass…I will be the one to shoulder everyone’s burden. Well I don’t get angry often and I have a habit of holding my emotions inside…but the dam has been broken. It seems like everyone, from friends to family, have had something they want to say to me. I am fucking stressed and holding my tongue in cheek is now a thing of the past. Unfortunately, my anger has been unleashed on some of the people that I love. My apologies for that. I value the friendships that I have and I love my siblings…they know my true heart and hopefully all will be forgiven.
Now on top of all of this…I am dealing with relationship type issues. I love my friends who have known me for 20+ years…I will push my pride and stubbornness aside for them. I love my siblings and they know despite my angry words, I would do anything for them. Now what I won’t fucking tolerate is a man…I don’t give a shit who you are or how long I’ve known you. If things between me and you don’t work out…it sucks, but get the fuck over it. Don’t go around Facebook, posting shit on your wall about me and think that I am going to let it slide.
Wow…really?! I am like a “genocide“….women like me “will ruin your fuckin’ life” and I “shit inside of your heart“?! Seriously…I didn’t know that I had the power to do all of that. If that was the case, I would have tried to take over the world by now…one man at a time!! And I don’t care if you didn’t put my name on that post or link it to my wall…all of our friends know it was a personal attack at me!! What the hell did I do to you?! You make it seem like we were together for 2 years and I cheated on you or I killed your unborn baby or I shot your mother. The reality is, I told you I liked you…it lasted a WEEK…and then I said we were better off as friends because little did I know that you were a freaking psycho!! You didn’t even take me out on ONE freaking date!! Nothing happened between us…it was only a freaking week!! I asked for an apology because that is the least you could say to me after I had to put up with all your hateful emails and drunken messages about how you blame me for all the sorrows in your life.
Now I hate to put you on blast…but you are just ridiculous!! Now that was just the first paragraph to like a 2 page letter, where he proceeds to tell me what a horrible person I am and how much pain I caused him. And this is not the first time. I’ve had to deal with his constant blame game for almost 2 weeks now!! So being the immature, angry adult that I am right now…I decided to respond by a Facebook wall status, because that is how angry people in this Facebook era, communicate with each other.
And this fool had the nerve to write on my wall and then proceeded to call me an asshole!! Has this man lost his fucking mind?! Does he not know the meaning of “don’t talk to me anymore”….does he really want a piece of my wrath right now?! To make matters worse…this fucking fool works with me. The only good thing about being out of work was the fact that I didn’t have to look at his face all day. I am trying to remind myself that I am an obedient law-abiding citizen. That I don’t want to fuck up my career by driving to his house and breaking his shit and fucking up his car and really showing him how much of an asshole I can be. I swear he better not say one fucking word to me tomorrow at work…he better not even look in my direction…if he sees me walk to his side of the room, he better walk the other way. I may need to call in sick tomorrow. I know my position at work is already in jeopardy because I can’t seem to make it into the office till noon everyday…but I don’t think a cuss out war between me and another attorney will look good on my resume.
Tomorrow is a new day and thankfully a new month. I really hope that February treats me better than January did. In the meantime, I hope no one else says anything crazy to me. I hope I can control my temper. I don’t know what’s wrong with me…maybe I need to eat more chocolate or get a massage or go on vacation or get a really big dildo or something. I’ll stop my ranting for now…thanks for listening to me. And don’t worry, soon I will return with some erotic poetry or funny stories. Maybe I’ll go on some dates and write about my dating chronicles…but for some reason men are scared of me. I have no idea why…it’s so obvious that I am completely stable and perfectly normal. I don’t know why they would think that I am a bit crazy or have like a slight personality disorder…hmmm…
He sat down and I looked at his long blonde hair, blue eyes, tattooed skinny frame and I wanted him. I wanted him because deep down inside, I knew that he would never pick me…that we would never get far and that we would never be…anything more than that moment.
One thing lead to another…another text, another dinner, another kiss, another move that would make me more confused.
I left his place without a kiss, there were no further talks about a future date and I had that feeling that I would never see him again. I had already heard that silent, unspoken farewell before the door to his house had fully closed. That we ended before we really started…this was no surprise. What is surprising is that I actually cared. At the cusp of hello and goodbye, I started to “like” this most unlikely companion. He was “jagged”…the rough edge to my conservative, straight laced figure that I put out to the public. I started to imagine nights filled with mixed drinks, lazy cable watching and whether I could handle this mixture of a man that could leave me at a loss for words. I started to wonder whether his beautiful smile would be enough for me to want to pursue a life of unfamiliarity and whether I would let him lead me to the cliff that I needed to jump off of, to learn more about myself.
He was a man that could make me question where I stood. A man that could make me picture bike riding till the sun went down. A man who knew the exact spot to kiss on my neck until I moaned for more. A man who knew how to hold me without causing the fear of suffocation. A man who knew how to cook me breakfast without pleading for more of my time. A man who was carefree and content and who I wished would teach me how to be the same way.
Unfortunately, he let me go too easily. Unfortunately, I let him.